it seems to have been a week since i have last written here. i don't want this to be a general blog, so i have been avoiding to come here to write. i guess i shouldn't do that, as i may not blog here at all sometimes.
today was to be the day for me to leave to california. i was to begin my "new job" next monday, but the plans have been changed. when you work for the government, you have to be what they tagged as "VetPro". it is a certification that you are who you are and your license is really yours. it is to certify that you are not a terrorist.
when i had worked at the Miami Veterans hospital, i did this. or so i thought i did. each and every paper they requested, all the questions asked and answered, i did that. every form filled out, every picture supplied. diplomas, birth certificates, etc, etc, etc. they gave me access to the hospital, so i do believe i was vetproed. what it turned out to be, is that the person who was responsible for all this paper work and turning it all in to the right department, never filed my papers. therefore, i was never vetproed. for nine months, i worked at the Miami VA medical center, ILLEGALLY!
now, because there was some man in Miami, who is no longer there, who did not complete his job, it is preventing me from starting my job.
now, because some man in Miami, didn't complete his job, the new man in California has to complete it so that i can start my new job.
now, because of some man in Miami, i am sitting at my home in illinois, instead of in the seat of my van, on my way to omaha, nebraska, to spend the night with my friend before i continue on the road to utah or idaho to stay a night, before i go onto california to stay for two months.
well, that gives me a week now to complete things i had not gotten done before i left. they were menial little things, that would have done fine not being completed, but now my only excuse to not complete them would be procrastination, lol
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
i know who my ghost is now
a ghost lives in my house.
http://inmydreamsicanwrite.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-you-have-death-you-have-ghosts.html
well, two actually. i know i have mentioned them before, but i could not figure out who the one gentleman was, but now i think i know who he is. a friend of mine has come to live in the house while i go to california. of course i told her about my ghost friends, so she would not be afraid when one "showed" up. and her first night here, he did. she went to bed before i did, as she has had a rough few days, so was exhausted. i was sitting here at the trusty ol' computer, when i heard her yelling out, "tommie, tommie, help me!" i ran to check on her, and she was fast asleep, or so it seemed. when i turned on the light, she stirred a bit and told me she was having sleep paralysis, then she returned to sleep. about half an hour later, i hear her again. "tommie, help me! tommie!" so i run into her room again, and she tells me this time, "someone climbed into bed with me, and tickled my tummy. he crawled right across the foot of my bed and behind me, then tickled me! i know i sound crazy, but that is what happened!"truthfully, i thought maybe it was the meds she took to help her sleep, and the power of suggestion by my telling her of my ghosts, but today i realized something.my father has passed away too many years ago to count. when i do something new, he always shows up. he takes care of me, even after death. his sign that he is here is usually the plastic tips of those muriel cigars or canadian pennies. sometimes, but rarely, you can smell old spice after shave. he used to always give me canadian coins when i was a child and he smoked the cigars for years before his death, because the doctor told him to quit smoking cigarettes. i think that is why he chooses to leave those items behind, as i do remember him by them. when i was in florida a hundred years ago, my ex and the family were preparing to come back to illinois. we were packing the vehicles, walking all around them, tying ropes, etc. right next to a tree at the back end of the station wagon, were several cigar tips. when i moved into a house back in illinois, his ghost brushed me as he walked past. he checked every house i moved into after that. when mom passed, daddy actually showed himself to me. he was sitting on my sofa when i came from the bedroom. over the years, i have accepted that he will be there. he is my protector. now, why do i think this ghost that climbed into bed with my friend was daddy? well, daddy was a womanizer, and my friend looks like one of my dad's lady friends from the past. my ghost never went into my bedroom. or that of my daughter. my ghost has not been hanging around lately, and i think that is because i have been fairly well happy, so "daddy" would not need to be here. but now there is a change in my life, and my ghost is back. i texted my friend this morning and let her know of my discovery. i have mom and daddy's ashes in my living room. i called my daughter mykal and to let her know grampapoppy and grandma would be coming to live with her. i really don't think that is necessary, as daddy will go to california with me, but it will make my friend feel better.
http://inmydreamsicanwrite.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-you-have-death-you-have-ghosts.html
well, two actually. i know i have mentioned them before, but i could not figure out who the one gentleman was, but now i think i know who he is. a friend of mine has come to live in the house while i go to california. of course i told her about my ghost friends, so she would not be afraid when one "showed" up. and her first night here, he did. she went to bed before i did, as she has had a rough few days, so was exhausted. i was sitting here at the trusty ol' computer, when i heard her yelling out, "tommie, tommie, help me!" i ran to check on her, and she was fast asleep, or so it seemed. when i turned on the light, she stirred a bit and told me she was having sleep paralysis, then she returned to sleep. about half an hour later, i hear her again. "tommie, help me! tommie!" so i run into her room again, and she tells me this time, "someone climbed into bed with me, and tickled my tummy. he crawled right across the foot of my bed and behind me, then tickled me! i know i sound crazy, but that is what happened!"truthfully, i thought maybe it was the meds she took to help her sleep, and the power of suggestion by my telling her of my ghosts, but today i realized something.my father has passed away too many years ago to count. when i do something new, he always shows up. he takes care of me, even after death. his sign that he is here is usually the plastic tips of those muriel cigars or canadian pennies. sometimes, but rarely, you can smell old spice after shave. he used to always give me canadian coins when i was a child and he smoked the cigars for years before his death, because the doctor told him to quit smoking cigarettes. i think that is why he chooses to leave those items behind, as i do remember him by them. when i was in florida a hundred years ago, my ex and the family were preparing to come back to illinois. we were packing the vehicles, walking all around them, tying ropes, etc. right next to a tree at the back end of the station wagon, were several cigar tips. when i moved into a house back in illinois, his ghost brushed me as he walked past. he checked every house i moved into after that. when mom passed, daddy actually showed himself to me. he was sitting on my sofa when i came from the bedroom. over the years, i have accepted that he will be there. he is my protector. now, why do i think this ghost that climbed into bed with my friend was daddy? well, daddy was a womanizer, and my friend looks like one of my dad's lady friends from the past. my ghost never went into my bedroom. or that of my daughter. my ghost has not been hanging around lately, and i think that is because i have been fairly well happy, so "daddy" would not need to be here. but now there is a change in my life, and my ghost is back. i texted my friend this morning and let her know of my discovery. i have mom and daddy's ashes in my living room. i called my daughter mykal and to let her know grampapoppy and grandma would be coming to live with her. i really don't think that is necessary, as daddy will go to california with me, but it will make my friend feel better.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
let's eat!
today, i ran over to taylorville (20 miles)to get my tb injection. life in a small town. you can do nothing without driving somewhere else. :).
tomorrow, i will drive to decatur to get the brakes on the van changed and the belts looked at. (35 miles).
if you want to go out to eat, you go to vandalia, decatur, springfield, litchfield, or somewhere else even. you can plan on driving for an hour before you get to a decent restaurant. there are some restaurants in pana, don't get me wrong, but they are just "edible" food.
we have mickey d's. real name: mc donalds. um hmmm. even little pana has a mc donalds. we also have dairy queen. a little diner place that is only open until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. and the greasy spoon truck stop, the rosebud. it has been there forever. some days their food is quite palatable. others...well, be glad they serve beer too. lol. pana bowl serves some fairly good sandwiches, but the buns always fall apart. they are too dry or something. but they have breaded ravioli. i don't know if it is baked or fried, but i really like it.
a wanna be buffet bar is out there next to the pana bowl. dang, i am old. i cannot remember the name. it has a bar in the back. they tried to be a family restaurant once before, but did not do too well. if you get there when the food is set out, it is an all right meal, but then it sits there for a bit and isn't so all right.
pana family restaurant is owned by a guy from somewhere else. not india, or iraq. palestinian?? i don't think so. but he is foreign. the food used to be REALLY good, but it certainly has changed.
they serve food at the bars uptown, but i have not eaten it. bob's steak house just changed hands, but i have never eaten there. and the chinese restaurant used to be pretty good until they went buffet. the flavor of the food went totally downhill.
when a restaurant opens here, and the food is really good, for some reason they don't get the business they need to stay open. and it can't be the cost, because most of them have been fairly reasonable.
oh, i forgot the mexican restaurant. their food is on the pretty good list, but if you go to decatur for theirs, it is much better.
we used to have a taco bell, in the gas station, but they closed a long time ago. we don't have a chicken or a fish place. we do have three pizza parlors. pizza hut, pizza man and maustell"s. they have some fairly decent pizza too. especially maustells crispy crust. yum.
life in a small town. if you want to go out to eat, don't wait until you are hungry to decide. it's going to be at least an hour if you want something good.
tomorrow, i will drive to decatur to get the brakes on the van changed and the belts looked at. (35 miles).
if you want to go out to eat, you go to vandalia, decatur, springfield, litchfield, or somewhere else even. you can plan on driving for an hour before you get to a decent restaurant. there are some restaurants in pana, don't get me wrong, but they are just "edible" food.
we have mickey d's. real name: mc donalds. um hmmm. even little pana has a mc donalds. we also have dairy queen. a little diner place that is only open until around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. and the greasy spoon truck stop, the rosebud. it has been there forever. some days their food is quite palatable. others...well, be glad they serve beer too. lol. pana bowl serves some fairly good sandwiches, but the buns always fall apart. they are too dry or something. but they have breaded ravioli. i don't know if it is baked or fried, but i really like it.
a wanna be buffet bar is out there next to the pana bowl. dang, i am old. i cannot remember the name. it has a bar in the back. they tried to be a family restaurant once before, but did not do too well. if you get there when the food is set out, it is an all right meal, but then it sits there for a bit and isn't so all right.
pana family restaurant is owned by a guy from somewhere else. not india, or iraq. palestinian?? i don't think so. but he is foreign. the food used to be REALLY good, but it certainly has changed.
they serve food at the bars uptown, but i have not eaten it. bob's steak house just changed hands, but i have never eaten there. and the chinese restaurant used to be pretty good until they went buffet. the flavor of the food went totally downhill.
when a restaurant opens here, and the food is really good, for some reason they don't get the business they need to stay open. and it can't be the cost, because most of them have been fairly reasonable.
oh, i forgot the mexican restaurant. their food is on the pretty good list, but if you go to decatur for theirs, it is much better.
we used to have a taco bell, in the gas station, but they closed a long time ago. we don't have a chicken or a fish place. we do have three pizza parlors. pizza hut, pizza man and maustell"s. they have some fairly decent pizza too. especially maustells crispy crust. yum.
life in a small town. if you want to go out to eat, don't wait until you are hungry to decide. it's going to be at least an hour if you want something good.
Monday, September 21, 2009
just crazy
why is this happening?
i am beginning to wonder if God really wants me to go to California, or what. no new vehicle. have to get new hose on the van. have to get new tires on the van. will probably need new brakes on the van. so, i have a sick van.
that is not it.
i have to get tb skin test. they tried to have me get a mmr shot. then they said i had to go to danville (almost three hours from me) to get fingerprinted. paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork. at least today i got the call that i can pass on the fingerprints because they "found" mine on file where ever they keep them on file for the VA.
so NOW, i am coming down with a major sinus infection!!
i think Illinois is just trying to kill me.
maybe the hospital where i suffered all day? at least the physicians assistant gave me an antibiotic (so i can get thrush and a yeast infection). wish i could have something to clear my nose and make me breathe! a touch of vicks vaporub helped for like 5 minutes. i swear i smell something but i really don't know. it is not a normal smell of my house. thing about it is that i cannot tell if that smell is really there, or just some odor trapped in my nose, because i think it is the same smell i smelled at work today.
i take that back. Illinois and the hospital is not trying to kill me. just make me believe i am crazy.
i am beginning to wonder if God really wants me to go to California, or what. no new vehicle. have to get new hose on the van. have to get new tires on the van. will probably need new brakes on the van. so, i have a sick van.
that is not it.
i have to get tb skin test. they tried to have me get a mmr shot. then they said i had to go to danville (almost three hours from me) to get fingerprinted. paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork. at least today i got the call that i can pass on the fingerprints because they "found" mine on file where ever they keep them on file for the VA.
so NOW, i am coming down with a major sinus infection!!
i think Illinois is just trying to kill me.
maybe the hospital where i suffered all day? at least the physicians assistant gave me an antibiotic (so i can get thrush and a yeast infection). wish i could have something to clear my nose and make me breathe! a touch of vicks vaporub helped for like 5 minutes. i swear i smell something but i really don't know. it is not a normal smell of my house. thing about it is that i cannot tell if that smell is really there, or just some odor trapped in my nose, because i think it is the same smell i smelled at work today.
i take that back. Illinois and the hospital is not trying to kill me. just make me believe i am crazy.
Friday, September 18, 2009
life goes on in california
life is going on. my life that is. i have pulled out of the depression it seems, as i usually do. is it bad that when i get depressed anymore, i don't worry about it? hmmm. i know, i am a strange cookie.
i have been working hard on getting ready for my trip to california. i am excited that i am going to meet people i have spoken with in some way or another, on the internet. armymoms who have shared the fears of this war that continues on.
my daughter is now a civilian, as many of the other moms i have "met". also, children of many of these moms are still soldiers. still deploying to iraq or afghanistan. their fears continuing. i am thankful that my daughter chose to "opt out" after she had her first son. to opt out is to just go home when your time is up. you did your job for however long you promised to do it, and then went home. unfortunately for many of my friends, their children did not opt out. they instead reupped. signed up for 4 more years. signed up for more time away from their families. not only their parents, but their wives and children too.
one of the moms that i have contact with, her son is leaving for his 5th tour overseas.
children are so unfair to us mothers.
in my job, i will get to deal with veterans. i do not know if it is the older guys, younger guys or a mixture of them. i just know i will be "shooting" the vets. the flu shot i will be giving is the general yearly one. the N1H1 is not available as of yet, but it will be soon. i do not know if i will be giving any of those though. never know.
well, this is not really the type of writing i wanted to do in this blog area, but i wanted to stop by and let people who are reading me to know that i am ok. i knew i would be.
huggssss
i have been working hard on getting ready for my trip to california. i am excited that i am going to meet people i have spoken with in some way or another, on the internet. armymoms who have shared the fears of this war that continues on.
my daughter is now a civilian, as many of the other moms i have "met". also, children of many of these moms are still soldiers. still deploying to iraq or afghanistan. their fears continuing. i am thankful that my daughter chose to "opt out" after she had her first son. to opt out is to just go home when your time is up. you did your job for however long you promised to do it, and then went home. unfortunately for many of my friends, their children did not opt out. they instead reupped. signed up for 4 more years. signed up for more time away from their families. not only their parents, but their wives and children too.
one of the moms that i have contact with, her son is leaving for his 5th tour overseas.
children are so unfair to us mothers.
in my job, i will get to deal with veterans. i do not know if it is the older guys, younger guys or a mixture of them. i just know i will be "shooting" the vets. the flu shot i will be giving is the general yearly one. the N1H1 is not available as of yet, but it will be soon. i do not know if i will be giving any of those though. never know.
well, this is not really the type of writing i wanted to do in this blog area, but i wanted to stop by and let people who are reading me to know that i am ok. i knew i would be.
huggssss
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Depressed?
Depression. Everyone has it at one time or another in their life. Everyone will not experience it in the same extent. Not everyone will realize it is happening or has happened to them.
Yes, I am depressed. No one knows that I am except for myself.
I know I am because I have been here before, and it is not a fun world to be in. It does not happen to me in the extent that I need medicated to come out of it, but I have to do things to bring myself out, or I will need medications. That is one of the factors that put me here. Not medications, well, maybe that is one too, but why I do not look into getting medications while I am in this state of life.
Money. It is due to the fact that I am so broke, I am depressed. It is due to the fact that every pay day, I have to decide what bills I am going to jostle around and pay this time. It is a fear to get behind in payments of these bills. The realization that when the bills are paid, there is no money left for food or medications. It starts out as stress, then you eventually get depressed. And you realize the government is taking over $600 a month from your pay checks for taxes. Those taxes are paying the salaries of those people who are making attempts to tax you more even. Though you cannot pay your bills because half your pay check already goes to taxes to pay these politicians who don't have to pay for their medical treatment, and you cannot even afford to go to the doctor or buy your medicines because you are already paying for theirs.
Politics. I do not understand them, and what I do understand, angers me greatly. Therefore, I try to avoid politics because I do not need that anger in my life, so I will not become more depressed because I am paying the politicians to take more of my money.
Health. Even though I really try to not be ill, it happens. Hypertension is a part of my life, so I need to take medication to lower my blood pressure. My medication costs me $50 a month. Hypothyroidism is a part of my life. Without my medication I cannot function on a day to day basis even. (and depression is a wonderful effect of hypothyroidism). At least I can get by with getting that for $4 a month. (thank-you wal mart). Edema is a part of my life. That is when you get that swelling in your feet. In this past year, mine has worsened, so an increase in the medication dosage has happened, at least not an increase in the cost. Again, thank you wal mart, cost is $4 a month.
Now those are only my PRESCRIBED medications. There are others that are called "over the counter medicines", that many people probably think i can live without, but there are reasons I have to take things, like Vitamin E and C and Fish Oil, Oat Bran Tabs and Prilosec. There are health issues, and these medications are needed to get me past them. These medications are needed for me to be able to get out of bed every morning and make it through the day.
There are days that I do not take my medications. Sometimes I actually forget, and sometimes I intentionally pass them by so that it makes them last longer. Yes, I occasionally skip a day of medications to avoid having to buy more sooner, but I know if I skip too many days of medications, it is a big mistake.
So now why would I want to add an anti-depressant to my already growing list of medications? It would only cost me money, and it probably would not come in generic so gracious wal mart could sell it to me for $4 a month. It would be like my blood pressure medicine, and cost me $50 or greater a month.
Family. Yes, my family depresses me at times. Doesn't yours? Some people have no family, so they are saying "at least you have a family". Even some people that have families are saying that. When I am not going down into my depression periods, I love my family dearly.
My oldest son is not my oldest child. He is the second one I gave birth too, but if we are going to discuss family who depresses me the most, he has to be at the top of the list. One day, he will read this and not understand what he has done, or say "I didn't know" or "I didn't mean to", but whatever. Tim is still at the top of the list. In my words, he forgot where he came from. But if you look at my family history, it repeats itself. My father did it, my brother did it, and now my son is doing it. So is my son to blame? Or is it just something in his genes and he had no control over it?
What I tried to do with my children, is to raise them to be close to each other. To give them all the love I could to keep them together as a family should be. Tim grew up, joined the Navy, got married and forgot where he came from. He has little or no contact with the family. Well, his father calls him and pesters him, but that is so he can talk to Joe the grandson.
authors' note :*If you read this before, you will take note a large portion of it is missing. Right from here. I changed my mind and felt it did not belong here. One day I will share it with Tim, maybe. One day the hurt just might not matter anymore either.*
Mykal does not want me to leave, and she does try to make my life easier except for the guilt trips she throws on me when I make plans for my travel nurse tours. It depresses me because I have to leave my grandchildren behind, but that is something I have to do because my depression for my general life will swallow me up, and even my little mans' smile will not be enough. Mykal has a very busy life, but she tries to include me in most of it to keep me happy. She tries to take away some of my financial problems by paying me to babysit my boys.
Sarah has life's problems. She has difficulty with depression at times, so I think she would understand, but she cannot see others down times, for all the things happening in her life. When she is depressed, no one has a more terrible life than she does. When she is "up" she does not want to see others "downs" for fear it will grab her foot and pull her back in. She speaks out in anger and hurts those who love her while she is having her down time, then she is in her up periods, and has difficulty trying to understand why people just can't be happy for her. Sounds bipolar almost, doesn't it?
Curtis is a problem. He has never been able to do anything with his life. His father enabled him to stay in his psychological prison. There are times when I see Curtis peeking out the "door" of his "cage", and he has even found ability to step out of it a time or two, but he always gets sucked back in by the great winds of depression.
Relationships. I have none. With men at least. I tell people my life would be better if I had a man in it. To tell the truth, I do not know if it would be better, or if it would be worse, but there are times I would so like to have another adult in the house. The house is so quiet, and I get lonely. I eat alone. I watch tv alone. I play on the internet alone. I look outside the door, feel the nice breeze of the day, and I have no one to tell how nice it is. There is no one to hug me when I feel a little bit blue. There is no one to cook for but myself. No one to run to the store because I don't feel like it, so whatever I need from the store, I do without. In the morning when I leave for work, I leave a darkened house. At night when I come home, I come home to an even darker house. The answer is not to leave a light on. I tried that. The house was just empty then.
Yet, I so enjoy the quiet a lot of the time. I don't have to listen to the TV when I want it off. I only have my laundry to do. (which would be 8 loads today if i had someone else) I can eat when I want, what I want. I can come and go as I please, no one to answer to of where I am going. I don't have to argue that I want this here when he wants that there.
Then there is Randy. My ex husband. I even worry about how it will affect him if I were to get a "boyfriend" even. He is acting strange at times. Like he is still my husband, or it is his responsibility to take care of me. Of course, he did promise my father that he would. Maybe that is it?
My House. Even though I am proud to be able to own my own home, at least say I do, as the bank actually owns it, it is a big part of my depression. Due to health issues and just plain working, I am too tired to keep it how I would want it to be. Besides, my craft room cannot be downstairs because I had to "give" that room to the grandkids for when they are here. My upstairs will never be cleaned out. The downstairs will always be cluttered. My bedroom makes me happy because it is big and bright and as long as i keep the clutter out, spacious. But it caused me more debt, and the kitchen also caused me more debt. So though I now have a nice bedroom and a usable kitchen, I have more debt.
There are 4 rooms upstairs. I don't even like an upstairs. I do not feel comfortable being up there. When the house has no other people in it, the upstairs is another world to me, that is to far up? I cannot hear if someone comes into the house downstairs when I am upstairs. Multiple trips on the stairs takes the wind out of me, and I have to stop to make my heart stop pounding the wall of my chest, and that is only two or three trips, making them count as multiple. The upstairs is trashed out, and cluttered. It seems the more I try to clean it, the worse it gets. And the mess in the hallway downstairs, I don't even know what to do with any more.
There is curtains hanging over the door leading into the hall, or foyer. If i do not look beyond these curtains, I can forget that those messes are there even. Every time I try to work on the messes, it takes me down. Therefore, I choose to not work on the messes that often.
But I know my depression is deepening. The messes have spread into the living room and other rooms of the house. Mykal does not see this as depression. I do not know what she sees it as. That I am just procrastinating? Putting if off because I don't want to do it? She does not see that I really try.
The table is covered with things that have places they should be put, or just tossed out. My desk is getting deeper in papers and pictures, envelopes and non important things too. Baskets of clean laundry setting in the middle of the floor. One has been there for three weeks, one has been there for two. Her solution for that was to put it all in one basket. It is only towels and washcloths. Such a simple chore to fold them and place them in the closet, yet, they still sit there in the basket, and now I have washed more to add to the basket.
My own laundry, instead of in a basket, lays in a pile against the wall in my bedroom. What I normally watch and wash when a load builds up, now has probably three or four loads waiting for me. Clean uniform pants and capri pants lay folded on the foot of the bed. They had sat in a basket for over a week before that. Now they are waiting to be placed on hangers and hung in the closet. And the bed is not made.
The empty swimming pool in the back yard. The beginning of projects and leaving them unfinished. No desire to go finish them.
The Signs. These are all signs that my depression has returned to me. What people think are my lazy days are the days I cannot do anything. Days I can barely get out of bed, let alone get off the sofa once I light there. And if I know that all of this is my depression, why don't I do something to get out of it? Why don't I go to the doctor and get medication? I know it would probably help me, and put a stop to some of it, but I also know I have reactions to new medications I introduce to my body. How many "new pills" would I have to try before I found one that I could take and would be effective? Of course, how would I pay for all of the office visits and trial and error medications? Whose to say that I even really need that?
I am in a rut. That rut is called depression. It is hard to deal with because I know I am depressed, but I have no way to fix it. Self analyzation is a bitch ya know.
I was offered a travel position in California. It is 8 weeks giving flu shots to the veterans. Knowing I do not have the money to make the trip, takes me down even further, but I am going to do it anyways. Though I will be terribly homesick and miss my "babies", I know I need to get away from here. You might say I am running from my life. You can, because that is what I feel like I am doing. If I focus on my trip, I might be able to get my laundry done, because I have to. The dishes washed and put away. The cabinets/counters cleaned off. No, I will not be able to clean the hall and upstairs. That will just be there when I return.
I have to do this or I will have difficulty to bring myself out of the depression. Getting away from the "problems" will help. Meeting new people will help. I do hope I still have the job at the hospital when I return, but if not, then I will go somewhere else to work.
Depression. It is a terrible thing to have in your life. I know it is. I have it right now. Don't worry though, it will all be OK.
Yes, I am depressed. No one knows that I am except for myself.
I know I am because I have been here before, and it is not a fun world to be in. It does not happen to me in the extent that I need medicated to come out of it, but I have to do things to bring myself out, or I will need medications. That is one of the factors that put me here. Not medications, well, maybe that is one too, but why I do not look into getting medications while I am in this state of life.
Money. It is due to the fact that I am so broke, I am depressed. It is due to the fact that every pay day, I have to decide what bills I am going to jostle around and pay this time. It is a fear to get behind in payments of these bills. The realization that when the bills are paid, there is no money left for food or medications. It starts out as stress, then you eventually get depressed. And you realize the government is taking over $600 a month from your pay checks for taxes. Those taxes are paying the salaries of those people who are making attempts to tax you more even. Though you cannot pay your bills because half your pay check already goes to taxes to pay these politicians who don't have to pay for their medical treatment, and you cannot even afford to go to the doctor or buy your medicines because you are already paying for theirs.
Politics. I do not understand them, and what I do understand, angers me greatly. Therefore, I try to avoid politics because I do not need that anger in my life, so I will not become more depressed because I am paying the politicians to take more of my money.
Health. Even though I really try to not be ill, it happens. Hypertension is a part of my life, so I need to take medication to lower my blood pressure. My medication costs me $50 a month. Hypothyroidism is a part of my life. Without my medication I cannot function on a day to day basis even. (and depression is a wonderful effect of hypothyroidism). At least I can get by with getting that for $4 a month. (thank-you wal mart). Edema is a part of my life. That is when you get that swelling in your feet. In this past year, mine has worsened, so an increase in the medication dosage has happened, at least not an increase in the cost. Again, thank you wal mart, cost is $4 a month.
Now those are only my PRESCRIBED medications. There are others that are called "over the counter medicines", that many people probably think i can live without, but there are reasons I have to take things, like Vitamin E and C and Fish Oil, Oat Bran Tabs and Prilosec. There are health issues, and these medications are needed to get me past them. These medications are needed for me to be able to get out of bed every morning and make it through the day.
There are days that I do not take my medications. Sometimes I actually forget, and sometimes I intentionally pass them by so that it makes them last longer. Yes, I occasionally skip a day of medications to avoid having to buy more sooner, but I know if I skip too many days of medications, it is a big mistake.
So now why would I want to add an anti-depressant to my already growing list of medications? It would only cost me money, and it probably would not come in generic so gracious wal mart could sell it to me for $4 a month. It would be like my blood pressure medicine, and cost me $50 or greater a month.
Family. Yes, my family depresses me at times. Doesn't yours? Some people have no family, so they are saying "at least you have a family". Even some people that have families are saying that. When I am not going down into my depression periods, I love my family dearly.
My oldest son is not my oldest child. He is the second one I gave birth too, but if we are going to discuss family who depresses me the most, he has to be at the top of the list. One day, he will read this and not understand what he has done, or say "I didn't know" or "I didn't mean to", but whatever. Tim is still at the top of the list. In my words, he forgot where he came from. But if you look at my family history, it repeats itself. My father did it, my brother did it, and now my son is doing it. So is my son to blame? Or is it just something in his genes and he had no control over it?
What I tried to do with my children, is to raise them to be close to each other. To give them all the love I could to keep them together as a family should be. Tim grew up, joined the Navy, got married and forgot where he came from. He has little or no contact with the family. Well, his father calls him and pesters him, but that is so he can talk to Joe the grandson.
authors' note :*If you read this before, you will take note a large portion of it is missing. Right from here. I changed my mind and felt it did not belong here. One day I will share it with Tim, maybe. One day the hurt just might not matter anymore either.*
Mykal does not want me to leave, and she does try to make my life easier except for the guilt trips she throws on me when I make plans for my travel nurse tours. It depresses me because I have to leave my grandchildren behind, but that is something I have to do because my depression for my general life will swallow me up, and even my little mans' smile will not be enough. Mykal has a very busy life, but she tries to include me in most of it to keep me happy. She tries to take away some of my financial problems by paying me to babysit my boys.
Sarah has life's problems. She has difficulty with depression at times, so I think she would understand, but she cannot see others down times, for all the things happening in her life. When she is depressed, no one has a more terrible life than she does. When she is "up" she does not want to see others "downs" for fear it will grab her foot and pull her back in. She speaks out in anger and hurts those who love her while she is having her down time, then she is in her up periods, and has difficulty trying to understand why people just can't be happy for her. Sounds bipolar almost, doesn't it?
Curtis is a problem. He has never been able to do anything with his life. His father enabled him to stay in his psychological prison. There are times when I see Curtis peeking out the "door" of his "cage", and he has even found ability to step out of it a time or two, but he always gets sucked back in by the great winds of depression.
Relationships. I have none. With men at least. I tell people my life would be better if I had a man in it. To tell the truth, I do not know if it would be better, or if it would be worse, but there are times I would so like to have another adult in the house. The house is so quiet, and I get lonely. I eat alone. I watch tv alone. I play on the internet alone. I look outside the door, feel the nice breeze of the day, and I have no one to tell how nice it is. There is no one to hug me when I feel a little bit blue. There is no one to cook for but myself. No one to run to the store because I don't feel like it, so whatever I need from the store, I do without. In the morning when I leave for work, I leave a darkened house. At night when I come home, I come home to an even darker house. The answer is not to leave a light on. I tried that. The house was just empty then.
Yet, I so enjoy the quiet a lot of the time. I don't have to listen to the TV when I want it off. I only have my laundry to do. (which would be 8 loads today if i had someone else) I can eat when I want, what I want. I can come and go as I please, no one to answer to of where I am going. I don't have to argue that I want this here when he wants that there.
Then there is Randy. My ex husband. I even worry about how it will affect him if I were to get a "boyfriend" even. He is acting strange at times. Like he is still my husband, or it is his responsibility to take care of me. Of course, he did promise my father that he would. Maybe that is it?
My House. Even though I am proud to be able to own my own home, at least say I do, as the bank actually owns it, it is a big part of my depression. Due to health issues and just plain working, I am too tired to keep it how I would want it to be. Besides, my craft room cannot be downstairs because I had to "give" that room to the grandkids for when they are here. My upstairs will never be cleaned out. The downstairs will always be cluttered. My bedroom makes me happy because it is big and bright and as long as i keep the clutter out, spacious. But it caused me more debt, and the kitchen also caused me more debt. So though I now have a nice bedroom and a usable kitchen, I have more debt.
There are 4 rooms upstairs. I don't even like an upstairs. I do not feel comfortable being up there. When the house has no other people in it, the upstairs is another world to me, that is to far up? I cannot hear if someone comes into the house downstairs when I am upstairs. Multiple trips on the stairs takes the wind out of me, and I have to stop to make my heart stop pounding the wall of my chest, and that is only two or three trips, making them count as multiple. The upstairs is trashed out, and cluttered. It seems the more I try to clean it, the worse it gets. And the mess in the hallway downstairs, I don't even know what to do with any more.
There is curtains hanging over the door leading into the hall, or foyer. If i do not look beyond these curtains, I can forget that those messes are there even. Every time I try to work on the messes, it takes me down. Therefore, I choose to not work on the messes that often.
But I know my depression is deepening. The messes have spread into the living room and other rooms of the house. Mykal does not see this as depression. I do not know what she sees it as. That I am just procrastinating? Putting if off because I don't want to do it? She does not see that I really try.
The table is covered with things that have places they should be put, or just tossed out. My desk is getting deeper in papers and pictures, envelopes and non important things too. Baskets of clean laundry setting in the middle of the floor. One has been there for three weeks, one has been there for two. Her solution for that was to put it all in one basket. It is only towels and washcloths. Such a simple chore to fold them and place them in the closet, yet, they still sit there in the basket, and now I have washed more to add to the basket.
My own laundry, instead of in a basket, lays in a pile against the wall in my bedroom. What I normally watch and wash when a load builds up, now has probably three or four loads waiting for me. Clean uniform pants and capri pants lay folded on the foot of the bed. They had sat in a basket for over a week before that. Now they are waiting to be placed on hangers and hung in the closet. And the bed is not made.
The empty swimming pool in the back yard. The beginning of projects and leaving them unfinished. No desire to go finish them.
The Signs. These are all signs that my depression has returned to me. What people think are my lazy days are the days I cannot do anything. Days I can barely get out of bed, let alone get off the sofa once I light there. And if I know that all of this is my depression, why don't I do something to get out of it? Why don't I go to the doctor and get medication? I know it would probably help me, and put a stop to some of it, but I also know I have reactions to new medications I introduce to my body. How many "new pills" would I have to try before I found one that I could take and would be effective? Of course, how would I pay for all of the office visits and trial and error medications? Whose to say that I even really need that?
I am in a rut. That rut is called depression. It is hard to deal with because I know I am depressed, but I have no way to fix it. Self analyzation is a bitch ya know.
I was offered a travel position in California. It is 8 weeks giving flu shots to the veterans. Knowing I do not have the money to make the trip, takes me down even further, but I am going to do it anyways. Though I will be terribly homesick and miss my "babies", I know I need to get away from here. You might say I am running from my life. You can, because that is what I feel like I am doing. If I focus on my trip, I might be able to get my laundry done, because I have to. The dishes washed and put away. The cabinets/counters cleaned off. No, I will not be able to clean the hall and upstairs. That will just be there when I return.
I have to do this or I will have difficulty to bring myself out of the depression. Getting away from the "problems" will help. Meeting new people will help. I do hope I still have the job at the hospital when I return, but if not, then I will go somewhere else to work.
Depression. It is a terrible thing to have in your life. I know it is. I have it right now. Don't worry though, it will all be OK.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
can i travel again?
i guess i have not been writing in my dreams lately, as i have not been writing here. not even to finish my sister story. of course, i never mentioned earlier how much of a procrastinator that i am. such a procrastinator, it is a wonder i was on time for my birth!
today i got a phone call from a travel nurse agency. maybe it is the one i have been waiting for? they say that there is several positions in california at this time for the flu clinics at the veterans administration.
how cool is that?
i am not as excited as i normally would have been.
it seems i have been away from the travel nursing long enough, that i don't care if i travel again or not. but i do feel that "i really want to go" sneaking up in there. it will only be two months away from home. i will receive 2 dollars an hour more than i am currently making. i will get to drive across the states and maybe see something. i will get to see the ocean on that side of the world again. i will get away from this job i am wanting to get away from. i will miss the boys. i will worry if they are ok without me. i will have no family to visit me.
eight weeks
plus 2 weeks travel.
ten weeks, or close to that.
but, it is california. maybe i will get to see my friend micki, or get to meet dan the man?
it will be a day or so, probably the so, before i find out if i was accepted for one of the positions or not. if i am accepted, i will have to worry about getting out there. just a general look, 32 hours of driving. by myself. which i am ok with most times, but since i did have a slight problem with it just recently, i wonder if it is in good enough condition now to go that far? it is driving much smoother right now, so i think so.
it may seem as if i am trying to talk myself out of it, but that is not it. what it is, is that i do want to go so bad, i am afraid it can't happen. are the tires ok? will the belts need changed? will have to pack my "traveling home". where will i get the money to leave? (i will get reimbursement after i get there and file for it).
when i did the travel nurse thing awhile back, i was doing ok financially and did not have to worry about where the money was going to come from. being home, the wages were lower and the bills higher. on this trip, i will make just a bit more than at home, but i will not get the extras which i had gotten on my last trip. which was really great as i was able to stash $500 a month into my savings account.
that will not happen this "tour".
especially since it is only an 8 week tour.
most others are 12 weeks with the option later to re-up for another 12 weeks. then, you can make friends, rent a room from them, and take the housing stipend to put into your savings account. that is how i managed it before. won't happen with only an 8 week stint.
then, i will have to come back home. unless i am offered something else somewhere else. which, i will not hold my breath waiting for an assignment. there is NOTHING out there. well, a bit of an exaggeration. (wow, i did spell check because i thought i spelled exaggeration wrong, but i was wrong, i spelled it right!!) if there are any positions out there that i am eligible for, there are also 500 more lpns eligible for them.
the economy has even hit nurses.
i look at low census days each week. i lose vacation time every time they call me to take a census day. oh, i could take the day off unpaid, but then, which bill collector would allow me to pass on this months' payment?
that is another reason i am ready to do the traveling thing again. at least it is guarenteed work, because a contract is signed.
not a story, but at least i wrote.
good night all.
today i got a phone call from a travel nurse agency. maybe it is the one i have been waiting for? they say that there is several positions in california at this time for the flu clinics at the veterans administration.
how cool is that?
i am not as excited as i normally would have been.
it seems i have been away from the travel nursing long enough, that i don't care if i travel again or not. but i do feel that "i really want to go" sneaking up in there. it will only be two months away from home. i will receive 2 dollars an hour more than i am currently making. i will get to drive across the states and maybe see something. i will get to see the ocean on that side of the world again. i will get away from this job i am wanting to get away from. i will miss the boys. i will worry if they are ok without me. i will have no family to visit me.
eight weeks
plus 2 weeks travel.
ten weeks, or close to that.
but, it is california. maybe i will get to see my friend micki, or get to meet dan the man?
it will be a day or so, probably the so, before i find out if i was accepted for one of the positions or not. if i am accepted, i will have to worry about getting out there. just a general look, 32 hours of driving. by myself. which i am ok with most times, but since i did have a slight problem with it just recently, i wonder if it is in good enough condition now to go that far? it is driving much smoother right now, so i think so.
it may seem as if i am trying to talk myself out of it, but that is not it. what it is, is that i do want to go so bad, i am afraid it can't happen. are the tires ok? will the belts need changed? will have to pack my "traveling home". where will i get the money to leave? (i will get reimbursement after i get there and file for it).
when i did the travel nurse thing awhile back, i was doing ok financially and did not have to worry about where the money was going to come from. being home, the wages were lower and the bills higher. on this trip, i will make just a bit more than at home, but i will not get the extras which i had gotten on my last trip. which was really great as i was able to stash $500 a month into my savings account.
that will not happen this "tour".
especially since it is only an 8 week tour.
most others are 12 weeks with the option later to re-up for another 12 weeks. then, you can make friends, rent a room from them, and take the housing stipend to put into your savings account. that is how i managed it before. won't happen with only an 8 week stint.
then, i will have to come back home. unless i am offered something else somewhere else. which, i will not hold my breath waiting for an assignment. there is NOTHING out there. well, a bit of an exaggeration. (wow, i did spell check because i thought i spelled exaggeration wrong, but i was wrong, i spelled it right!!) if there are any positions out there that i am eligible for, there are also 500 more lpns eligible for them.
the economy has even hit nurses.
i look at low census days each week. i lose vacation time every time they call me to take a census day. oh, i could take the day off unpaid, but then, which bill collector would allow me to pass on this months' payment?
that is another reason i am ready to do the traveling thing again. at least it is guarenteed work, because a contract is signed.
not a story, but at least i wrote.
good night all.
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