i might be afraid

i have come here to blog today because very few people have the link to this blog, or even know about it, and i just feel the need to blog without everyone i know reading it. especially my family. they don't need to know how i feel....yet.
truthfully, i don't know how i feel.
about a week ago, i went to have my wonderful mammogram done. i was not going to do it, but my nipple has been unusually sore, so i decided to go ahead and do the boob squish thing. now i wonder, was it a good thing or not? of course, everyone will say it was a good thing, because that is what a woman is supposed to do.
it was discovered that i have minicalcifications.
now, this does not have to mean anything really, because minicalcifications are rarely cancer, but......
yes, there is a but. but my minicalcifications are in a cluster, and that is usually a sign of cancer.
now there is my "how i feel" part. am i scared? i don't think so, but again, i don't know. how do you feel when you are afraid you might have breast cancer? how do you feel when you are faking you are strong, but you are really scared?
yesterday, i went for what they call a stereotactic biopsy. that is where they make you lay face down on the table, and your boob hangs through a hole. they do another mammogram to find the cluster, and then they numb your breast, sticking a needle into this cluster and sucking up some of the microcalcifications. my problem, the area they want to get to is next to the chest wall, and they were not able to get a good enough view to do this biopsy.
so, after squishing my boob, and resquishing my boob, the radiologist tells me i am now going to have to go have a lumpectomy.
great.
all this hurry up and wait.
i will have a consultation next wednesday. then it is only to tell me if the surgeon is willing to do the lumpectomy, and give me a date for it, but we will have to get a precertification from the insurance company!
this so sucks.
i hate the waiting. just cut it open, look at it and tell me if i have cancer or not!! please!
i am not patient enough to wait through all of this. make an appointment, then make another appointment. see one doctor, then the other.
they do say that nurses make horrible patients. and that is me. i do not want to be a patient, ever.
so now i must go on wondering if i am afraid, or if i feel it is just another stone to stumble over in life. let's get on with it. i truly think i am afraid, but i think telling myself that i am not afraid is almost believable.
hugggggggssssssss