this really sucks

i have just blogged on my other site, but i cannot bring myself to blog about what is on my mind. it is late sunday night, and i must wait until wednesday to go to the consult with the surgeon. it aggravates me so that i cannot do it al NOW. i hate the wait.
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss