i called the dr and asked for a helping hand. i cannot make it to next Thursday without something to assist me. he did prescribe me some xanax. it is one of my miracle drugs. i rarely use it, but i have needed it before. it got me out of the mountains when i could not do it.
i find myself looking down at my breast and just wondering sometimes. is there some mean disease growing inside me? or is it just a harmless little weed that needs the surgeon to pull it?
i am doing fairly well for having to play this waiting game. i am not a waiter. even though people tell me that i am a very patient person, i don't believe them because i know myself. i am the type of person that wants things done yesterday. i am just capable of hiding that in me.
i do not want my breast to be cut open and a small chunk of it removed. that is what i dwell on. not if i have cancer or not. yes, i know i am strange. i have done the crying before, many years ago when there was something odd and i had to go for a mri test. same breast. didn't have cancer then.
i don't want my family to have to take me to this surgery and wait for me. i just want to take myself, but i am sure i will be glad for someone to be there when the day gets here. i will sleep on the way home because i will still be groggy from the sedative.
then i will wait again.
i will wait until probably Monday when the results should be in. why is it that they cannot test it right there and give me an answer? i am sure that someone knows i am not a person who waits well.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
don't give me that look
the stress is beginning. the stress of waiting, of not knowing. the stress that it is going to be a week before i can have the biopsy done. then more days to wait for the results. my chest hurts and i feel my mind just sort of going numb.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.
just amputate the nipple
it was a sucky day at work. for quite awhile though, it kept my mind off of the fact of what might possibly be growing inside my breast. in the morning, i go to the surgeon to discuss what type of biopsy he might do. the radiologist suggested it might be a lumpectomy.
tell me, if the radiologist could not locate teh little boogers, how is a surgeon going to locate them any easier?
truthfully, i do not want to go through with this. i just want to forget that i even had that mammogram that showed these tiny little spots they called microwhats? i want to go on living like there is nothing that could possibly be wrong.
yes, my boob is sore, but that has come to be a normal for me. i am old. other than my nipple occasionally being sore, it hurts no more or no less than the other boob. how can a sore nipple be a sign that there might be cancer on the chest wall? let's just amputate the nipple and all will be well.
tell me, if the radiologist could not locate teh little boogers, how is a surgeon going to locate them any easier?
truthfully, i do not want to go through with this. i just want to forget that i even had that mammogram that showed these tiny little spots they called microwhats? i want to go on living like there is nothing that could possibly be wrong.
yes, my boob is sore, but that has come to be a normal for me. i am old. other than my nipple occasionally being sore, it hurts no more or no less than the other boob. how can a sore nipple be a sign that there might be cancer on the chest wall? let's just amputate the nipple and all will be well.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
this really sucks
i have just blogged on my other site, but i cannot bring myself to blog about what is on my mind. it is late sunday night, and i must wait until wednesday to go to the consult with the surgeon. it aggravates me so that i cannot do it al NOW. i hate the wait.
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss
Saturday, April 30, 2011
i might be afraid
i have come here to blog today because very few people have the link to this blog, or even know about it, and i just feel the need to blog without everyone i know reading it. especially my family. they don't need to know how i feel....yet.
truthfully, i don't know how i feel.
about a week ago, i went to have my wonderful mammogram done. i was not going to do it, but my nipple has been unusually sore, so i decided to go ahead and do the boob squish thing. now i wonder, was it a good thing or not? of course, everyone will say it was a good thing, because that is what a woman is supposed to do.
it was discovered that i have minicalcifications.
now, this does not have to mean anything really, because minicalcifications are rarely cancer, but......
yes, there is a but. but my minicalcifications are in a cluster, and that is usually a sign of cancer.
now there is my "how i feel" part. am i scared? i don't think so, but again, i don't know. how do you feel when you are afraid you might have breast cancer? how do you feel when you are faking you are strong, but you are really scared?
yesterday, i went for what they call a stereotactic biopsy. that is where they make you lay face down on the table, and your boob hangs through a hole. they do another mammogram to find the cluster, and then they numb your breast, sticking a needle into this cluster and sucking up some of the microcalcifications. my problem, the area they want to get to is next to the chest wall, and they were not able to get a good enough view to do this biopsy.
so, after squishing my boob, and resquishing my boob, the radiologist tells me i am now going to have to go have a lumpectomy.
great.
all this hurry up and wait.
i will have a consultation next wednesday. then it is only to tell me if the surgeon is willing to do the lumpectomy, and give me a date for it, but we will have to get a precertification from the insurance company!
this so sucks.
i hate the waiting. just cut it open, look at it and tell me if i have cancer or not!! please!
i am not patient enough to wait through all of this. make an appointment, then make another appointment. see one doctor, then the other.
they do say that nurses make horrible patients. and that is me. i do not want to be a patient, ever.
so now i must go on wondering if i am afraid, or if i feel it is just another stone to stumble over in life. let's get on with it. i truly think i am afraid, but i think telling myself that i am not afraid is almost believable.
hugggggggssssssss
truthfully, i don't know how i feel.
about a week ago, i went to have my wonderful mammogram done. i was not going to do it, but my nipple has been unusually sore, so i decided to go ahead and do the boob squish thing. now i wonder, was it a good thing or not? of course, everyone will say it was a good thing, because that is what a woman is supposed to do.
it was discovered that i have minicalcifications.
now, this does not have to mean anything really, because minicalcifications are rarely cancer, but......
yes, there is a but. but my minicalcifications are in a cluster, and that is usually a sign of cancer.
now there is my "how i feel" part. am i scared? i don't think so, but again, i don't know. how do you feel when you are afraid you might have breast cancer? how do you feel when you are faking you are strong, but you are really scared?
yesterday, i went for what they call a stereotactic biopsy. that is where they make you lay face down on the table, and your boob hangs through a hole. they do another mammogram to find the cluster, and then they numb your breast, sticking a needle into this cluster and sucking up some of the microcalcifications. my problem, the area they want to get to is next to the chest wall, and they were not able to get a good enough view to do this biopsy.
so, after squishing my boob, and resquishing my boob, the radiologist tells me i am now going to have to go have a lumpectomy.
great.
all this hurry up and wait.
i will have a consultation next wednesday. then it is only to tell me if the surgeon is willing to do the lumpectomy, and give me a date for it, but we will have to get a precertification from the insurance company!
this so sucks.
i hate the waiting. just cut it open, look at it and tell me if i have cancer or not!! please!
i am not patient enough to wait through all of this. make an appointment, then make another appointment. see one doctor, then the other.
they do say that nurses make horrible patients. and that is me. i do not want to be a patient, ever.
so now i must go on wondering if i am afraid, or if i feel it is just another stone to stumble over in life. let's get on with it. i truly think i am afraid, but i think telling myself that i am not afraid is almost believable.
hugggggggssssssss
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Spirits of the Clinic
Shadows walk about the halls of the building where I work. It once was a hospital for the veterans of our military. Now it is only a clinic, but the spirits remain on the premises.
I feel their presence. They walk around me and through me. They touch my shoulder as I stand in the hall and speak with other veterans. I do not know if anyone else can see or feel them. Dark shadows pass me by. None of them seem to be angry or upset. They are just solemn. Shuffling through out the building, from one place to another.
Is there meaning that one shadow is darker than the other? That some of the shadows are barely visible unless I am looking for them?
Though I have walked with the spirits before, this is really the first time that I have actually seen shadows. I sense that they are all men. I have not felt the spirit of a woman here yet. They are all thin gentlemen. Some walking quickly past me, while others just shuffle by. They are of different heights, maybe some of them being in wheel chairs as they are not tall at all.
Yes, I know that these men are soldiers who have fought in wars, and came back wounded. Sailors and airmen who had families waiting for them to heal and come home. Did any of these spirits return home? Did they leave here to only return to pass, or did they pass before they had the chance to spend time in their own beds, beside their wives. Were they ever able to sit on their porches, in their yards, and watch their children play?
The spirit who is the darkest shadow, appears near the front entrance almost daily. He comes behind my left shoulder, and I can feel him there. He is taller than I am. He appears to have on a sweat shirt jacket, with the hood up over his head, hands in his pockets and head hanging down.
Is he in deep thought? Or is he depressed? Is he in pain or even anxious about something?
He is with me for about three foot of this hall, and then he is gone. If I am standing in this area, he stands behind my left shoulder. It is always on my left.
I do not know the history of this building. Above the front entrance, it says 1949 (i think, it could be 45), but the building was erected before that I am told.
Well, nothing interesting to write of my spirits, only in that they are there.
huggsss
I feel their presence. They walk around me and through me. They touch my shoulder as I stand in the hall and speak with other veterans. I do not know if anyone else can see or feel them. Dark shadows pass me by. None of them seem to be angry or upset. They are just solemn. Shuffling through out the building, from one place to another.
Is there meaning that one shadow is darker than the other? That some of the shadows are barely visible unless I am looking for them?
Though I have walked with the spirits before, this is really the first time that I have actually seen shadows. I sense that they are all men. I have not felt the spirit of a woman here yet. They are all thin gentlemen. Some walking quickly past me, while others just shuffle by. They are of different heights, maybe some of them being in wheel chairs as they are not tall at all.
Yes, I know that these men are soldiers who have fought in wars, and came back wounded. Sailors and airmen who had families waiting for them to heal and come home. Did any of these spirits return home? Did they leave here to only return to pass, or did they pass before they had the chance to spend time in their own beds, beside their wives. Were they ever able to sit on their porches, in their yards, and watch their children play?
The spirit who is the darkest shadow, appears near the front entrance almost daily. He comes behind my left shoulder, and I can feel him there. He is taller than I am. He appears to have on a sweat shirt jacket, with the hood up over his head, hands in his pockets and head hanging down.
Is he in deep thought? Or is he depressed? Is he in pain or even anxious about something?
He is with me for about three foot of this hall, and then he is gone. If I am standing in this area, he stands behind my left shoulder. It is always on my left.
I do not know the history of this building. Above the front entrance, it says 1949 (i think, it could be 45), but the building was erected before that I am told.
Well, nothing interesting to write of my spirits, only in that they are there.
huggsss
Monday, November 2, 2009
friends
when you least expect it, people in your life pop up unexpectedly. i don't mean physically, i just mean they are "there" with you. most of my friends collect things. something different. my sister in law collects pigs, and at the flea market, i saw the ugliest pig. i didn't take a photo, but i wish i had. my son in law collects tigers and a girlfriend collects lions and chases clouds. music boxes, angels, sunflowers. myself, i collect turtles.
the above photo is of items collected by another friend of mine. jean, these were only the first miss kitty's that popped up sunday at the flea market. seems every corner i turned, there you were!! did you have as much fun as i did?
huggsssss
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