It is hard to believe that it has been forever since I last posted a blog, but I do not feel bad about it, as I can see that not many other people in my list are posting blogs either.
If I had remembered this is my secret blog, where I can come and post my secret thoughts and feelings, I might have come and posted more often. But I forgot.
This is my venting blog. Not too many people know about it, so not too many people I know read it. Therefore, I can come here and write anything I desire because then I do not have to worry about anyone reading it and becoming pissed at me because of what I write.
Last time I blogged, I was going through the "I might have cancer" time. Today, it is "my sister does have cancer" time.
Daryl, has been diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time in her life. Last year she had a mastectomy. She is unable to do radiation or chemotherapy due to her medical history of seizures. They even tried a hormone on her to help with cancer prevention, and she had a grand mal seizure. She almost died.
About a week ago, I took my sister to the office for her biopsy. Three days later was the call stating it was positive. Now, we are awaiting the appointment with the surgeon.
The anger flows through me with this new diagnosis.
When she had the first mastectomy, she had asked them to remove both breasts due to the fact of her history of cancer in the one they did not take. She went through blood tests they do to see if your cancer is familial. The inherited gene.
It is not, therefore, insurance would not pay for a bilateral mastectomy.
Now she has to go through this surgery again, just on the opposite side of what was already done. Don't you think money could have been saved if they had done it in the first place?
Who am I to yell at? Who is it that I stand before and scream that they are idiots?
My sister is already on disability because the radiologist failed to see a brain bleed that she had, due to a leaking aneurysm that ruptured, causing seizures and a heart attack. She died on the table of the surgeon who stopped the bleed. She was never quite right after that.
Now she has to go back under the knife due to a medical system that is failing us.
Dear Lord, please give us the strength we need to make it through this, again.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
don't give me that look
the stress is beginning. the stress of waiting, of not knowing. the stress that it is going to be a week before i can have the biopsy done. then more days to wait for the results. my chest hurts and i feel my mind just sort of going numb.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
this really sucks
i have just blogged on my other site, but i cannot bring myself to blog about what is on my mind. it is late sunday night, and i must wait until wednesday to go to the consult with the surgeon. it aggravates me so that i cannot do it al NOW. i hate the wait.
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss
Friday, October 16, 2009
home away from home
in livermore, my home is a hotel room. in it i have a bed of course. a not so comfortable queen size bed. beside it sits an also not so comfortable lounge chair with a large foot stool in front of it. a bedside table where i placed my cpap machine. it helps me to breathe at night. i sleep on the right side of the bed.
a desk is to the left of the bed. my computer sits on top, with a lamp beside the monitor. a straight back chair is what i sit on as i type. i think i will have hemorrhoids before i leave here. i know, too much information there.
behind me, on the other wall is an open closet where my clothes are hanging, and empty boxes on the above shelf. a low dresser with the television on it. like all hotels. beside this dresser sits the clothes hamper that my youngest daughter bought for me when i went on my first travel nurse position. it is tubular steel with a brown "sack" hanging from them. three sections to sort laundry. it has come in handy.
a square table, which i am sure is for eating at, and another straight backed chair. miscellaneous items sit upon this table. they have no where to be put away, so there they sit.
surprisingly, in the kitchen, i have a full sized refrigerator. two electric burners. i hate electric burners. one itty bitty square sink that nothing fits in. not enough cabinets or counter top space. they supplied a toaster and a tiny coffee maker, but i placed that under the sink, as i drink tea, so i brought my own tea pot, which is actually a coffee maker. all the items they supplied in the kitchen are under the sink, except the toaster. i didn't carry mine clear across the united states to keep in boxes. besides, i have full sets, nicer pans. and i would rather use my pans that i am familiar with if i have to use electricity to cook. there is no oven so i cannot bake, but there is a microwave. not the same.
a nice size bathroom with alot of space under the sink which was nice so i could store my empty boxes. i will need them to pack things back into when i return home.
home. yes, i miss it. probably more so as i have not been to work yet. they had things they needed to get straightened out before they would let me start working. now things are straight and i will start work in the morning.
when i am not working on the computer, the screen saver comes on, with pictures of my grandkids looking out at me. most of them are happy, laughing children, but i have no shame and i will snap a picture of a child who is crying too. when i look at the pictures, i think of what we were doing when they were taken, and how sweet they look. they are not sweet children though. most times they are mean to each other and fight. disrespectful to adults. something that is normal in this world today. my not so perfect grandchildren that they are, i miss them.
time for bed. should not stay up too late when i am in a melancholy mood. makes me miss them more.
a desk is to the left of the bed. my computer sits on top, with a lamp beside the monitor. a straight back chair is what i sit on as i type. i think i will have hemorrhoids before i leave here. i know, too much information there.
behind me, on the other wall is an open closet where my clothes are hanging, and empty boxes on the above shelf. a low dresser with the television on it. like all hotels. beside this dresser sits the clothes hamper that my youngest daughter bought for me when i went on my first travel nurse position. it is tubular steel with a brown "sack" hanging from them. three sections to sort laundry. it has come in handy.
a square table, which i am sure is for eating at, and another straight backed chair. miscellaneous items sit upon this table. they have no where to be put away, so there they sit.
surprisingly, in the kitchen, i have a full sized refrigerator. two electric burners. i hate electric burners. one itty bitty square sink that nothing fits in. not enough cabinets or counter top space. they supplied a toaster and a tiny coffee maker, but i placed that under the sink, as i drink tea, so i brought my own tea pot, which is actually a coffee maker. all the items they supplied in the kitchen are under the sink, except the toaster. i didn't carry mine clear across the united states to keep in boxes. besides, i have full sets, nicer pans. and i would rather use my pans that i am familiar with if i have to use electricity to cook. there is no oven so i cannot bake, but there is a microwave. not the same.
a nice size bathroom with alot of space under the sink which was nice so i could store my empty boxes. i will need them to pack things back into when i return home.
home. yes, i miss it. probably more so as i have not been to work yet. they had things they needed to get straightened out before they would let me start working. now things are straight and i will start work in the morning.
when i am not working on the computer, the screen saver comes on, with pictures of my grandkids looking out at me. most of them are happy, laughing children, but i have no shame and i will snap a picture of a child who is crying too. when i look at the pictures, i think of what we were doing when they were taken, and how sweet they look. they are not sweet children though. most times they are mean to each other and fight. disrespectful to adults. something that is normal in this world today. my not so perfect grandchildren that they are, i miss them.
time for bed. should not stay up too late when i am in a melancholy mood. makes me miss them more.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
i know who my ghost is now
a ghost lives in my house.
http://inmydreamsicanwrite.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-you-have-death-you-have-ghosts.html
well, two actually. i know i have mentioned them before, but i could not figure out who the one gentleman was, but now i think i know who he is. a friend of mine has come to live in the house while i go to california. of course i told her about my ghost friends, so she would not be afraid when one "showed" up. and her first night here, he did. she went to bed before i did, as she has had a rough few days, so was exhausted. i was sitting here at the trusty ol' computer, when i heard her yelling out, "tommie, tommie, help me!" i ran to check on her, and she was fast asleep, or so it seemed. when i turned on the light, she stirred a bit and told me she was having sleep paralysis, then she returned to sleep. about half an hour later, i hear her again. "tommie, help me! tommie!" so i run into her room again, and she tells me this time, "someone climbed into bed with me, and tickled my tummy. he crawled right across the foot of my bed and behind me, then tickled me! i know i sound crazy, but that is what happened!"truthfully, i thought maybe it was the meds she took to help her sleep, and the power of suggestion by my telling her of my ghosts, but today i realized something.my father has passed away too many years ago to count. when i do something new, he always shows up. he takes care of me, even after death. his sign that he is here is usually the plastic tips of those muriel cigars or canadian pennies. sometimes, but rarely, you can smell old spice after shave. he used to always give me canadian coins when i was a child and he smoked the cigars for years before his death, because the doctor told him to quit smoking cigarettes. i think that is why he chooses to leave those items behind, as i do remember him by them. when i was in florida a hundred years ago, my ex and the family were preparing to come back to illinois. we were packing the vehicles, walking all around them, tying ropes, etc. right next to a tree at the back end of the station wagon, were several cigar tips. when i moved into a house back in illinois, his ghost brushed me as he walked past. he checked every house i moved into after that. when mom passed, daddy actually showed himself to me. he was sitting on my sofa when i came from the bedroom. over the years, i have accepted that he will be there. he is my protector. now, why do i think this ghost that climbed into bed with my friend was daddy? well, daddy was a womanizer, and my friend looks like one of my dad's lady friends from the past. my ghost never went into my bedroom. or that of my daughter. my ghost has not been hanging around lately, and i think that is because i have been fairly well happy, so "daddy" would not need to be here. but now there is a change in my life, and my ghost is back. i texted my friend this morning and let her know of my discovery. i have mom and daddy's ashes in my living room. i called my daughter mykal and to let her know grampapoppy and grandma would be coming to live with her. i really don't think that is necessary, as daddy will go to california with me, but it will make my friend feel better.
http://inmydreamsicanwrite.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-you-have-death-you-have-ghosts.html
well, two actually. i know i have mentioned them before, but i could not figure out who the one gentleman was, but now i think i know who he is. a friend of mine has come to live in the house while i go to california. of course i told her about my ghost friends, so she would not be afraid when one "showed" up. and her first night here, he did. she went to bed before i did, as she has had a rough few days, so was exhausted. i was sitting here at the trusty ol' computer, when i heard her yelling out, "tommie, tommie, help me!" i ran to check on her, and she was fast asleep, or so it seemed. when i turned on the light, she stirred a bit and told me she was having sleep paralysis, then she returned to sleep. about half an hour later, i hear her again. "tommie, help me! tommie!" so i run into her room again, and she tells me this time, "someone climbed into bed with me, and tickled my tummy. he crawled right across the foot of my bed and behind me, then tickled me! i know i sound crazy, but that is what happened!"truthfully, i thought maybe it was the meds she took to help her sleep, and the power of suggestion by my telling her of my ghosts, but today i realized something.my father has passed away too many years ago to count. when i do something new, he always shows up. he takes care of me, even after death. his sign that he is here is usually the plastic tips of those muriel cigars or canadian pennies. sometimes, but rarely, you can smell old spice after shave. he used to always give me canadian coins when i was a child and he smoked the cigars for years before his death, because the doctor told him to quit smoking cigarettes. i think that is why he chooses to leave those items behind, as i do remember him by them. when i was in florida a hundred years ago, my ex and the family were preparing to come back to illinois. we were packing the vehicles, walking all around them, tying ropes, etc. right next to a tree at the back end of the station wagon, were several cigar tips. when i moved into a house back in illinois, his ghost brushed me as he walked past. he checked every house i moved into after that. when mom passed, daddy actually showed himself to me. he was sitting on my sofa when i came from the bedroom. over the years, i have accepted that he will be there. he is my protector. now, why do i think this ghost that climbed into bed with my friend was daddy? well, daddy was a womanizer, and my friend looks like one of my dad's lady friends from the past. my ghost never went into my bedroom. or that of my daughter. my ghost has not been hanging around lately, and i think that is because i have been fairly well happy, so "daddy" would not need to be here. but now there is a change in my life, and my ghost is back. i texted my friend this morning and let her know of my discovery. i have mom and daddy's ashes in my living room. i called my daughter mykal and to let her know grampapoppy and grandma would be coming to live with her. i really don't think that is necessary, as daddy will go to california with me, but it will make my friend feel better.
Friday, September 18, 2009
life goes on in california
life is going on. my life that is. i have pulled out of the depression it seems, as i usually do. is it bad that when i get depressed anymore, i don't worry about it? hmmm. i know, i am a strange cookie.
i have been working hard on getting ready for my trip to california. i am excited that i am going to meet people i have spoken with in some way or another, on the internet. armymoms who have shared the fears of this war that continues on.
my daughter is now a civilian, as many of the other moms i have "met". also, children of many of these moms are still soldiers. still deploying to iraq or afghanistan. their fears continuing. i am thankful that my daughter chose to "opt out" after she had her first son. to opt out is to just go home when your time is up. you did your job for however long you promised to do it, and then went home. unfortunately for many of my friends, their children did not opt out. they instead reupped. signed up for 4 more years. signed up for more time away from their families. not only their parents, but their wives and children too.
one of the moms that i have contact with, her son is leaving for his 5th tour overseas.
children are so unfair to us mothers.
in my job, i will get to deal with veterans. i do not know if it is the older guys, younger guys or a mixture of them. i just know i will be "shooting" the vets. the flu shot i will be giving is the general yearly one. the N1H1 is not available as of yet, but it will be soon. i do not know if i will be giving any of those though. never know.
well, this is not really the type of writing i wanted to do in this blog area, but i wanted to stop by and let people who are reading me to know that i am ok. i knew i would be.
huggssss
i have been working hard on getting ready for my trip to california. i am excited that i am going to meet people i have spoken with in some way or another, on the internet. armymoms who have shared the fears of this war that continues on.
my daughter is now a civilian, as many of the other moms i have "met". also, children of many of these moms are still soldiers. still deploying to iraq or afghanistan. their fears continuing. i am thankful that my daughter chose to "opt out" after she had her first son. to opt out is to just go home when your time is up. you did your job for however long you promised to do it, and then went home. unfortunately for many of my friends, their children did not opt out. they instead reupped. signed up for 4 more years. signed up for more time away from their families. not only their parents, but their wives and children too.
one of the moms that i have contact with, her son is leaving for his 5th tour overseas.
children are so unfair to us mothers.
in my job, i will get to deal with veterans. i do not know if it is the older guys, younger guys or a mixture of them. i just know i will be "shooting" the vets. the flu shot i will be giving is the general yearly one. the N1H1 is not available as of yet, but it will be soon. i do not know if i will be giving any of those though. never know.
well, this is not really the type of writing i wanted to do in this blog area, but i wanted to stop by and let people who are reading me to know that i am ok. i knew i would be.
huggssss
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
can i travel again?
i guess i have not been writing in my dreams lately, as i have not been writing here. not even to finish my sister story. of course, i never mentioned earlier how much of a procrastinator that i am. such a procrastinator, it is a wonder i was on time for my birth!
today i got a phone call from a travel nurse agency. maybe it is the one i have been waiting for? they say that there is several positions in california at this time for the flu clinics at the veterans administration.
how cool is that?
i am not as excited as i normally would have been.
it seems i have been away from the travel nursing long enough, that i don't care if i travel again or not. but i do feel that "i really want to go" sneaking up in there. it will only be two months away from home. i will receive 2 dollars an hour more than i am currently making. i will get to drive across the states and maybe see something. i will get to see the ocean on that side of the world again. i will get away from this job i am wanting to get away from. i will miss the boys. i will worry if they are ok without me. i will have no family to visit me.
eight weeks
plus 2 weeks travel.
ten weeks, or close to that.
but, it is california. maybe i will get to see my friend micki, or get to meet dan the man?
it will be a day or so, probably the so, before i find out if i was accepted for one of the positions or not. if i am accepted, i will have to worry about getting out there. just a general look, 32 hours of driving. by myself. which i am ok with most times, but since i did have a slight problem with it just recently, i wonder if it is in good enough condition now to go that far? it is driving much smoother right now, so i think so.
it may seem as if i am trying to talk myself out of it, but that is not it. what it is, is that i do want to go so bad, i am afraid it can't happen. are the tires ok? will the belts need changed? will have to pack my "traveling home". where will i get the money to leave? (i will get reimbursement after i get there and file for it).
when i did the travel nurse thing awhile back, i was doing ok financially and did not have to worry about where the money was going to come from. being home, the wages were lower and the bills higher. on this trip, i will make just a bit more than at home, but i will not get the extras which i had gotten on my last trip. which was really great as i was able to stash $500 a month into my savings account.
that will not happen this "tour".
especially since it is only an 8 week tour.
most others are 12 weeks with the option later to re-up for another 12 weeks. then, you can make friends, rent a room from them, and take the housing stipend to put into your savings account. that is how i managed it before. won't happen with only an 8 week stint.
then, i will have to come back home. unless i am offered something else somewhere else. which, i will not hold my breath waiting for an assignment. there is NOTHING out there. well, a bit of an exaggeration. (wow, i did spell check because i thought i spelled exaggeration wrong, but i was wrong, i spelled it right!!) if there are any positions out there that i am eligible for, there are also 500 more lpns eligible for them.
the economy has even hit nurses.
i look at low census days each week. i lose vacation time every time they call me to take a census day. oh, i could take the day off unpaid, but then, which bill collector would allow me to pass on this months' payment?
that is another reason i am ready to do the traveling thing again. at least it is guarenteed work, because a contract is signed.
not a story, but at least i wrote.
good night all.
today i got a phone call from a travel nurse agency. maybe it is the one i have been waiting for? they say that there is several positions in california at this time for the flu clinics at the veterans administration.
how cool is that?
i am not as excited as i normally would have been.
it seems i have been away from the travel nursing long enough, that i don't care if i travel again or not. but i do feel that "i really want to go" sneaking up in there. it will only be two months away from home. i will receive 2 dollars an hour more than i am currently making. i will get to drive across the states and maybe see something. i will get to see the ocean on that side of the world again. i will get away from this job i am wanting to get away from. i will miss the boys. i will worry if they are ok without me. i will have no family to visit me.
eight weeks
plus 2 weeks travel.
ten weeks, or close to that.
but, it is california. maybe i will get to see my friend micki, or get to meet dan the man?
it will be a day or so, probably the so, before i find out if i was accepted for one of the positions or not. if i am accepted, i will have to worry about getting out there. just a general look, 32 hours of driving. by myself. which i am ok with most times, but since i did have a slight problem with it just recently, i wonder if it is in good enough condition now to go that far? it is driving much smoother right now, so i think so.
it may seem as if i am trying to talk myself out of it, but that is not it. what it is, is that i do want to go so bad, i am afraid it can't happen. are the tires ok? will the belts need changed? will have to pack my "traveling home". where will i get the money to leave? (i will get reimbursement after i get there and file for it).
when i did the travel nurse thing awhile back, i was doing ok financially and did not have to worry about where the money was going to come from. being home, the wages were lower and the bills higher. on this trip, i will make just a bit more than at home, but i will not get the extras which i had gotten on my last trip. which was really great as i was able to stash $500 a month into my savings account.
that will not happen this "tour".
especially since it is only an 8 week tour.
most others are 12 weeks with the option later to re-up for another 12 weeks. then, you can make friends, rent a room from them, and take the housing stipend to put into your savings account. that is how i managed it before. won't happen with only an 8 week stint.
then, i will have to come back home. unless i am offered something else somewhere else. which, i will not hold my breath waiting for an assignment. there is NOTHING out there. well, a bit of an exaggeration. (wow, i did spell check because i thought i spelled exaggeration wrong, but i was wrong, i spelled it right!!) if there are any positions out there that i am eligible for, there are also 500 more lpns eligible for them.
the economy has even hit nurses.
i look at low census days each week. i lose vacation time every time they call me to take a census day. oh, i could take the day off unpaid, but then, which bill collector would allow me to pass on this months' payment?
that is another reason i am ready to do the traveling thing again. at least it is guarenteed work, because a contract is signed.
not a story, but at least i wrote.
good night all.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Reading, Writing and Pictures
who reads my work? i sometimes wonder that, but i do know that my friend jean reads it. i just wonder does anyone else? my family or other friends who i have supplied the link to, or if strangers even read it, and if they do, what do they get from it?
what i think i wonder about it for, is i want those who read it to actually enjoy what i write. i hid this blog at first. well, not hidden really, i just did not tell anyone about it. i was not going to share. what i was going to do was just write, to satisfy my need to write, and let it set here for "strangers" to find and enjoy. then i wrote the story about the blanket, on the blog connected with this one. i really wanted to share that with my son. originally, it was going to be a whiny blog, about how my son does not seem to be one of the family anymore, but it turned out to be a pretty good story about the blanket he grew up with, and now is inside his son's blanket. so, i had to share. now i cannot whine about my son who moved away and married and never comes home.
I Should Write a Book
people are always telling me i should write a book. those people are usually my patients. my "trapped" audience. they are in the hospital, in the room, with this crazy nurse taking care of them. they make the mistake of asking me a little about myself, and they usually get a whole story of some sort about me. i make them laugh, and i make them cry. and in the end, they always tell me, "you should write i book, i would read it!"
i only wish i had the ability to actually write a book. it is not the same though as telling a one or two person audience a story.
Oh I Want to be in Pictures
as i look about other blogs, they have lots of pictures. it looks so easy to have them in the blog. but when i try to do it, it is a whole other dimension in life! i go to the top of this box that i am typing in, and click on the little icon to add the picture. so far so good. then when the picture comes up, it is at the very top of this box. no where near where i want it placed. then i have to work and finangle it down to the position i want it to be, but i do not think that any of the pictures i have placed in the blog are actually where i wanted them to be.
ok, here is a photo of me from three years ago. this was taken in a restaurant in nebras
ka after i visited a friend. it was easy enough to place, because i really don't have a spot that i want it to be. but it still was at the top of the page in the first place.
ka after i visited a friend. it was easy enough to place, because i really don't have a spot that i want it to be. but it still was at the top of the page in the first place. ok now, it was not exactly where i wanted it, and now i am making the attempt to place it correctly, it is not working, so i am leaving it just where it landed. maybe another time.
i have used this picture for other purposes, and people asked me why i looked mad. i thought i looked deep in though myself.
and jean makes videos. one day i will make one of those too, but i am not gonna ride a bike to do it.
well, that is enough for now. take care all
huggsssss
Monday, August 17, 2009
When You Have Death, You Have Ghosts
this evening i went to the wake of a little girl. wait, they don't call it that anymore. they call it visitation now. this little girl, Madison, was 5 years old, and she developed a cancer in the back of her neck. when it was almost healed, the cancer spread to her lungs and wrapped around her little heart, taking her from us very quickly.
her mother works at the hospital with me. she was doing quite well considering her daughter died in her arms 4 nights ago. when i went in to hug her, she grabbed me so tight saying "thank you for coming, this means so much to me", over and over again. i did my best not to cry, because i did not want to make her cry. we both succeeded with but a few tears escaping down our cheeks.
madison is in a much better place now. free of sickness and pain. full of love. though she did not have to die to get that. her home was already full of love.
in my job, i deal with death alot. i am a nurse. for many years, i worked in nursing homes, whispering in the ears of those who were so close, but yet hanging on. just waiting for someone to tell them that all would be ok if they went home. many of them, dying alone, for their family members had already passed on before them.
now i am working in a hospital, and though i still deal with death, it is not as frequent as in the nursing home settings. i work on what is called med surg. we get mostly sick patients; pneumonia, stomach problems, cellulitis (infection in the skin) and when they have nasty, nasty wounds, we get 'em. sometimes we get a surgery, but nothing big. therefore, we are called med surg.
we get to send people home! i mean, home here on earth. it does not necessarily mean that they are well, but we do make people well sometimes before they go home.
There Is a Ghost in My House
and it is being onery.
i can hear music playing somewhere over towards my bedroom. at first, i thought my radio clock had gone off. when i went to check it, the music stopped. there is none coming from outside. i checked that too. now that i am back here by the computer, the music is going again. it sounds like a radio playing. every time i go to find it, it stops.
i do have a ghost in my house. two to be exact, unless i have acquired a new one.
my ghosts are not bad, they are just here. i used to hear one walking around upstairs. he came with the house. i believe it is a he. he has never given me reason to believe elsewise.
the other ghost is my nephew by marriage, randy joe. he died after i moved in here. he was in his early twenties, and after several misdiagnoses, they discovered he had leukemia. way too late to save his life.
when i was home alone, upstairs sewing, he would walk up and down the stairs. i could feel him peeking over the rail at me, like he was giggling. i could feel him wanting me to turn around to catch him playing hide and seek, but he is a ghost, so of course i didn't see him.
my ghosts would only make their presence known to me when i was alone. whenever the others were home, my ghosts most likely went elsewhere. and then i was really alone. my whole family moved out, leaving me to live here by myself.
they didn't just dump me. they grew up and went on their way.
can you say "empty nest syndrome"? i had it so bad. the ex moved out on me, then the kids left me one family at a time. lol. first it was randy, then curtis, then sarah took her two hoodlums and got a place with her "other" person. then mykal and her boyfriend took my bradyn and got a home of their own.
before the last little group of my family had moved out, i started construction on a new bedroom. when my new bedroom was completed, i emptied the living room into my old bedroom, and set my computer desk up where the living room used to be. over in a corner. the living room was now "my office". the center of the floor being empty, the dining area still to one far side like it had always been.
i am not too proud to admit, i am addicted to the computer. though i will say, with out the computer, i don't know where i would be. it was people on the other end of the line who kept me sane. in 50 years, i had never lived alone. never. now i lived in a big house, and my only companion was a dog.
but that is not the story, so let's move on.
during the day, i worked. then i would come home to an empty house, do some chores, then settle down in front of the computer. i never had many lights on. no tv running. and you could hear them. my man walking around upstairs, and randy joe on the stairs. i do not remember them ever coming to the living room before, but one night, i began feeling someone looking over my shoulder as i worked on the computer. of course, no one was there.
at first, buddy the dog, would get under my feet, but i reckon he finally adjusted to my company, because he didn't seem to be bothered by them. so though i was alone, i was not alone.
then i went travel nursing. and hired my carpenter to fix the kitchen and bathroom. then i came home again. i moved my office into my bedroom because the old living room was trashed out due to everything was put into it for the remodel job. it was a total mess, and i had to clean it out.
it took me all summer, but i remodeled the living room myself, tearing out carpet, painting walls and the floor. i returned the living room to it's original place. my "office" in a different corner now, on the dining room side.
my ghosts were gone.
i do not know where they went to. i do not think they liked the "new" living room. no one walking about upstairs. no one looking over my shoulder. it has been quite sometime since i last heard my men.
then, a couple months ago, i set my sewing room back up. it is upstairs. the room where randy joe would come up behind me and peek over the rail, daring me to turn to catch him. and he was there again. i was sewing a dress for willow, and i could feel randy joe giggling over on the stair case, peeking over the rail at me as i worked.
then a few days later, i heard my gentleman, walking about upstairs. he must have been checking out what i had been doing. it is a mess up there. i am sure he does not approve of it. but, i do not see him doing anything to help.
they are not the only ghosts i have had in my home. i had not lived here long, and my mother had become very ill. i came out of my old bedroom, and my father was sitting on my sofa. as clear as day.
my father had been dead for 15 years. or something like that. he was looking towards the bedroom door, sitting in the corner of the sofa. one leg crossed over the other. his arm draped across the back of the sofa. he didn't say anything, or do anything. he was just there, then gone. not long after that day, my mother went to join him.
i am sure they have both been here since. i hear my mother call my name. i find the white tips from muriel cigars laying about. daddy smoked those before he passed. you can smell the chantilly lace sometimes after mom has been here. i know they are only visiting me to make sure i am all right.
it is funny. the music is still playing. it is not loud enough so that i can make out what it is, but it is like someone is teasing me, making it just loud enough so that i know it is there, and when i go over towards the bedroom, it will stop. all will be quiet. the room has been there for over two years now. maybe i have a new ghost? maybe it is Madison adding some youth to my group of admirers?
hugggggsssssssss
her mother works at the hospital with me. she was doing quite well considering her daughter died in her arms 4 nights ago. when i went in to hug her, she grabbed me so tight saying "thank you for coming, this means so much to me", over and over again. i did my best not to cry, because i did not want to make her cry. we both succeeded with but a few tears escaping down our cheeks.
madison is in a much better place now. free of sickness and pain. full of love. though she did not have to die to get that. her home was already full of love.
in my job, i deal with death alot. i am a nurse. for many years, i worked in nursing homes, whispering in the ears of those who were so close, but yet hanging on. just waiting for someone to tell them that all would be ok if they went home. many of them, dying alone, for their family members had already passed on before them.
now i am working in a hospital, and though i still deal with death, it is not as frequent as in the nursing home settings. i work on what is called med surg. we get mostly sick patients; pneumonia, stomach problems, cellulitis (infection in the skin) and when they have nasty, nasty wounds, we get 'em. sometimes we get a surgery, but nothing big. therefore, we are called med surg.
we get to send people home! i mean, home here on earth. it does not necessarily mean that they are well, but we do make people well sometimes before they go home.
There Is a Ghost in My House
and it is being onery.
i can hear music playing somewhere over towards my bedroom. at first, i thought my radio clock had gone off. when i went to check it, the music stopped. there is none coming from outside. i checked that too. now that i am back here by the computer, the music is going again. it sounds like a radio playing. every time i go to find it, it stops.
i do have a ghost in my house. two to be exact, unless i have acquired a new one.
my ghosts are not bad, they are just here. i used to hear one walking around upstairs. he came with the house. i believe it is a he. he has never given me reason to believe elsewise.
the other ghost is my nephew by marriage, randy joe. he died after i moved in here. he was in his early twenties, and after several misdiagnoses, they discovered he had leukemia. way too late to save his life.
when i was home alone, upstairs sewing, he would walk up and down the stairs. i could feel him peeking over the rail at me, like he was giggling. i could feel him wanting me to turn around to catch him playing hide and seek, but he is a ghost, so of course i didn't see him.
my ghosts would only make their presence known to me when i was alone. whenever the others were home, my ghosts most likely went elsewhere. and then i was really alone. my whole family moved out, leaving me to live here by myself.
they didn't just dump me. they grew up and went on their way.
can you say "empty nest syndrome"? i had it so bad. the ex moved out on me, then the kids left me one family at a time. lol. first it was randy, then curtis, then sarah took her two hoodlums and got a place with her "other" person. then mykal and her boyfriend took my bradyn and got a home of their own.
before the last little group of my family had moved out, i started construction on a new bedroom. when my new bedroom was completed, i emptied the living room into my old bedroom, and set my computer desk up where the living room used to be. over in a corner. the living room was now "my office". the center of the floor being empty, the dining area still to one far side like it had always been.
i am not too proud to admit, i am addicted to the computer. though i will say, with out the computer, i don't know where i would be. it was people on the other end of the line who kept me sane. in 50 years, i had never lived alone. never. now i lived in a big house, and my only companion was a dog.
but that is not the story, so let's move on.
during the day, i worked. then i would come home to an empty house, do some chores, then settle down in front of the computer. i never had many lights on. no tv running. and you could hear them. my man walking around upstairs, and randy joe on the stairs. i do not remember them ever coming to the living room before, but one night, i began feeling someone looking over my shoulder as i worked on the computer. of course, no one was there.
at first, buddy the dog, would get under my feet, but i reckon he finally adjusted to my company, because he didn't seem to be bothered by them. so though i was alone, i was not alone.
then i went travel nursing. and hired my carpenter to fix the kitchen and bathroom. then i came home again. i moved my office into my bedroom because the old living room was trashed out due to everything was put into it for the remodel job. it was a total mess, and i had to clean it out.
it took me all summer, but i remodeled the living room myself, tearing out carpet, painting walls and the floor. i returned the living room to it's original place. my "office" in a different corner now, on the dining room side.
my ghosts were gone.
i do not know where they went to. i do not think they liked the "new" living room. no one walking about upstairs. no one looking over my shoulder. it has been quite sometime since i last heard my men.
then, a couple months ago, i set my sewing room back up. it is upstairs. the room where randy joe would come up behind me and peek over the rail, daring me to turn to catch him. and he was there again. i was sewing a dress for willow, and i could feel randy joe giggling over on the stair case, peeking over the rail at me as i worked.
then a few days later, i heard my gentleman, walking about upstairs. he must have been checking out what i had been doing. it is a mess up there. i am sure he does not approve of it. but, i do not see him doing anything to help.
they are not the only ghosts i have had in my home. i had not lived here long, and my mother had become very ill. i came out of my old bedroom, and my father was sitting on my sofa. as clear as day.
my father had been dead for 15 years. or something like that. he was looking towards the bedroom door, sitting in the corner of the sofa. one leg crossed over the other. his arm draped across the back of the sofa. he didn't say anything, or do anything. he was just there, then gone. not long after that day, my mother went to join him.
i am sure they have both been here since. i hear my mother call my name. i find the white tips from muriel cigars laying about. daddy smoked those before he passed. you can smell the chantilly lace sometimes after mom has been here. i know they are only visiting me to make sure i am all right.
it is funny. the music is still playing. it is not loud enough so that i can make out what it is, but it is like someone is teasing me, making it just loud enough so that i know it is there, and when i go over towards the bedroom, it will stop. all will be quiet. the room has been there for over two years now. maybe i have a new ghost? maybe it is Madison adding some youth to my group of admirers?
hugggggsssssssss
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