the day after

they took my last post away. i had blogged the day before my surgery. now it is gone. why they took it i will never know. it is only words i am writing to myself, and they were important to me. now those words are lost.
i know, i should word them and then save them in word before i post them in the blog. if i did that, i would not lose them.
i know in the lost post i finally admitted i am afraid. i know i told about where i almost choked up and let my fear show in front of my family, but i saved face when i felt it trying to sneak out. the kids don't need to know i am afraid. it would only make them feel more afraid themselves. and what about the grandkids? they do not need to see nana being afraid more so than the kids need to see mom being afraid.
i think i was more afraid of the surgery in itself than the fear of having breast cancer.
today is the day after my biopsy surgery. i am still feeling a hangover, most likely from the anesthesia. my breast is swollen and it hurts. ibuprofen is controlling the pain, even though they did give me a pain reliever that is a bit stronger. i will take that if the pain worsens, but otherwise i will use the ibuprofen.
yesterday began early. i was to be at the hospital by 0730, and i was. they signed me in, took me to change into hospital attire, then off for another mammogram.
it is a funny feeling to feel healthy and be carted around in a wheelchair, by one of your former co-workers even. the nurse who signed me in was one of my former nursing classmates. people all around me were people i knew from working with or school, or some other way. very few knew the reason i was there, and i kept it that way. the only former co-worker who knew why i was there was the one assisting with the mammogram.
at the mammogram, i was squeezed and crushed and pinched all over again. when they got me in the position they wanted they numbed to the back of my left breast, nearly under my arm, and inserted a wire to point out the mini calcifications that they wanted the surgeon to remove and test. of course the wire was left in. yes, it hurt. yes, it was uncomfortable.
and they squeezed and crushed again to make sure the wire stayed in place after the needle was removed.
i was returned to the day surgery waiting area where i waited, and waited. they transferred me from a recliner chair to a gurney bed, and i waited more. there was three anesthesiologists who came and asked me the same questions and each had me open my mouth. yes, i am allergic to all those things. yes, i have a hard time awakening from anethesia. yes, i have had other surgeries.
my daughter said that i answered all that four times. i probably did. i do not remember really.
my oldest daughter sat at my bedside while my youngest daughter texted her from her work floor above. she snuck downstairs sometime before i went into surgery.
i was hooked to a monitor, iv site was established. ouch.
then around 1100 they told me it was time and i was given the beginning dose of the sedative. i was almost out by the time i was taken to the surgical room. one of my very favorite co-workers was an RN on the surgical team.
i have no idea how long it took. i only know that as i said would happen, i was having difficulty waking up. there is a bandage to the outside of my left breast, barely under my arm. i still have the iv fluids going and the oxygen saturation thing still taped to my thumb. everything is so uncomfortable.
my daughter said i had been sleeping for about 4 hours. it must have been very short because it is about 1530 by the clock that i could see. i hear my daughter telling the nurse that i keep waking up, but only staying awake for a few seconds. i want to go home, so i force myself to wake up. i make myself sit up and stay awake. i do not want to be here anymore. i can sleep at home.
they had brung me a diet soda to drink because i am diabetic. it is nasty. another of my old classmates pops in and is talking to my daughter. of course i can leave if i can drink. i told her if i could have real soda and not diet i could drink it. she brought me real soda. it was good, i think more because it was wet. i ate some cookies too, and they did nauseate me a little.
my younger daughter shows up, i get my orders and my clothes. they remove all of the wires and such then i dress. one of the girls i know brings a wheelchair for me to go out in. i need to use the toilet which is only feet from me. i asked her if i had to ride that far in the wheel chair and every one laughed at me. i walked and made it safely. finally i was wheeled away.
after stopping at the pharmacy to pick up my medications, watched over by my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter drove up and snatched me away home. i know i must have slept on the way because i do not remember most of the trip.
at home i ate some chicken noodle soup and made myself comfortable on the sofa. through naps and people coming, i was able to watch grey's anatomy and private practice, then i announced i was going to bed, and i did.
after waking up multiple times through the night, my sort of son in law popped his head in the bedroom to check on me, and it was time for me to get up and get the grandchildren off to school.
i feel lousy. it is an anesthesia hangover. my breast hurts, but like i mentioned earlier, it is not too bad. i find myself keeping my arm close to my side, protecting my breast, and not using the arm itself too much. i don't even have to think about it. it just stays there.
the hospital has called to check on my condition. they are good about that.
now there is the wait again. results should be in monday.
i hate waiting.

this really sucks

i have just blogged on my other site, but i cannot bring myself to blog about what is on my mind. it is late sunday night, and i must wait until wednesday to go to the consult with the surgeon. it aggravates me so that i cannot do it al NOW. i hate the wait.
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss

When You Have Death, You Have Ghosts

this evening i went to the wake of a little girl. wait, they don't call it that anymore. they call it visitation now. this little girl, Madison, was 5 years old, and she developed a cancer in the back of her neck. when it was almost healed, the cancer spread to her lungs and wrapped around her little heart, taking her from us very quickly.
her mother works at the hospital with me. she was doing quite well considering her daughter died in her arms 4 nights ago. when i went in to hug her, she grabbed me so tight saying "thank you for coming, this means so much to me", over and over again. i did my best not to cry, because i did not want to make her cry. we both succeeded with but a few tears escaping down our cheeks.
madison is in a much better place now. free of sickness and pain. full of love. though she did not have to die to get that. her home was already full of love.

in my job, i deal with death alot. i am a nurse. for many years, i worked in nursing homes, whispering in the ears of those who were so close, but yet hanging on. just waiting for someone to tell them that all would be ok if they went home. many of them, dying alone, for their family members had already passed on before them.
now i am working in a hospital, and though i still deal with death, it is not as frequent as in the nursing home settings. i work on what is called med surg. we get mostly sick patients; pneumonia, stomach problems, cellulitis (infection in the skin) and when they have nasty, nasty wounds, we get 'em. sometimes we get a surgery, but nothing big. therefore, we are called med surg.
we get to send people home! i mean, home here on earth. it does not necessarily mean that they are well, but we do make people well sometimes before they go home.

There Is a Ghost in My House

and it is being onery.
i can hear music playing somewhere over towards my bedroom. at first, i thought my radio clock had gone off. when i went to check it, the music stopped. there is none coming from outside. i checked that too. now that i am back here by the computer, the music is going again. it sounds like a radio playing. every time i go to find it, it stops.
i do have a ghost in my house. two to be exact, unless i have acquired a new one.
my ghosts are not bad, they are just here. i used to hear one walking around upstairs. he came with the house. i believe it is a he. he has never given me reason to believe elsewise.
the other ghost is my nephew by marriage, randy joe. he died after i moved in here. he was in his early twenties, and after several misdiagnoses, they discovered he had leukemia. way too late to save his life.
when i was home alone, upstairs sewing, he would walk up and down the stairs. i could feel him peeking over the rail at me, like he was giggling. i could feel him wanting me to turn around to catch him playing hide and seek, but he is a ghost, so of course i didn't see him.
my ghosts would only make their presence known to me when i was alone. whenever the others were home, my ghosts most likely went elsewhere. and then i was really alone. my whole family moved out, leaving me to live here by myself.
they didn't just dump me. they grew up and went on their way.
can you say "empty nest syndrome"? i had it so bad. the ex moved out on me, then the kids left me one family at a time. lol. first it was randy, then curtis, then sarah took her two hoodlums and got a place with her "other" person. then mykal and her boyfriend took my bradyn and got a home of their own.
before the last little group of my family had moved out, i started construction on a new bedroom. when my new bedroom was completed, i emptied the living room into my old bedroom, and set my computer desk up where the living room used to be. over in a corner. the living room was now "my office". the center of the floor being empty, the dining area still to one far side like it had always been.
i am not too proud to admit, i am addicted to the computer. though i will say, with out the computer, i don't know where i would be. it was people on the other end of the line who kept me sane. in 50 years, i had never lived alone. never. now i lived in a big house, and my only companion was a dog.
but that is not the story, so let's move on.
during the day, i worked. then i would come home to an empty house, do some chores, then settle down in front of the computer. i never had many lights on. no tv running. and you could hear them. my man walking around upstairs, and randy joe on the stairs. i do not remember them ever coming to the living room before, but one night, i began feeling someone looking over my shoulder as i worked on the computer. of course, no one was there.
at first, buddy the dog, would get under my feet, but i reckon he finally adjusted to my company, because he didn't seem to be bothered by them. so though i was alone, i was not alone.
then i went travel nursing. and hired my carpenter to fix the kitchen and bathroom. then i came home again. i moved my office into my bedroom because the old living room was trashed out due to everything was put into it for the remodel job. it was a total mess, and i had to clean it out.
it took me all summer, but i remodeled the living room myself, tearing out carpet, painting walls and the floor. i returned the living room to it's original place. my "office" in a different corner now, on the dining room side.
my ghosts were gone.
i do not know where they went to. i do not think they liked the "new" living room. no one walking about upstairs. no one looking over my shoulder. it has been quite sometime since i last heard my men.
then, a couple months ago, i set my sewing room back up. it is upstairs. the room where randy joe would come up behind me and peek over the rail, daring me to turn to catch him. and he was there again. i was sewing a dress for willow, and i could feel randy joe giggling over on the stair case, peeking over the rail at me as i worked.
then a few days later, i heard my gentleman, walking about upstairs. he must have been checking out what i had been doing. it is a mess up there. i am sure he does not approve of it. but, i do not see him doing anything to help.
they are not the only ghosts i have had in my home. i had not lived here long, and my mother had become very ill. i came out of my old bedroom, and my father was sitting on my sofa. as clear as day.
my father had been dead for 15 years. or something like that. he was looking towards the bedroom door, sitting in the corner of the sofa. one leg crossed over the other. his arm draped across the back of the sofa. he didn't say anything, or do anything. he was just there, then gone. not long after that day, my mother went to join him.
i am sure they have both been here since. i hear my mother call my name. i find the white tips from muriel cigars laying about. daddy smoked those before he passed. you can smell the chantilly lace sometimes after mom has been here. i know they are only visiting me to make sure i am all right.
it is funny. the music is still playing. it is not loud enough so that i can make out what it is, but it is like someone is teasing me, making it just loud enough so that i know it is there, and when i go over towards the bedroom, it will stop. all will be quiet. the room has been there for over two years now. maybe i have a new ghost? maybe it is Madison adding some youth to my group of admirers?
hugggggsssssssss