this morning i called for the test results. they told me they were ok. follow up visit with surgeon in wednesday.
i am never going to do another mammogram. the wait is worse than you can imagine. this is not my first wait, only my first biopsy.
not that i want cancer, but i don't want the wait to find out anymore.
will see in a few more years.
for now, i can breathe.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
today is hard
today it is hard. my chest hurts. i should take a xanax but i haven't yet. ok, now i did.
in less than 24 hours i will make a phone call that may change my life. today i feel numb. and tired. it does not help that i have been looking online for beads and charms to make support bracelets. keeps it close to the front of my brain. the kids are getting on my nerves too easily.
it is too cold and wet to send them outside.
nothing else to say. brain is blank.
huggss
in less than 24 hours i will make a phone call that may change my life. today i feel numb. and tired. it does not help that i have been looking online for beads and charms to make support bracelets. keeps it close to the front of my brain. the kids are getting on my nerves too easily.
it is too cold and wet to send them outside.
nothing else to say. brain is blank.
huggss
not knowing sucks
it is quite early sunday morning. i should be in bed, but i have been looking for some beads. i did not find them.
i took the dressing off of the wound. there are steri strips covering a incision that is about an inch long. i did not think they would cut it that long, but it is done. it feels better without that dressing. i had to leave the bra on for 48 hours, so that is off now too.
looking in the mirror, i can see the steri strips. the area surrounding is pinkened because my skin is sensitive to the adhesives on the tape. dried drainage under the strips. an area about the size of the palm of my hand is bruised. i touch the skin and it is numb. if i look away and someone were to touch it, i know i would not feel it. i removed the bottom steri because it was causing a burning feeling.
they tell me to watch for redness, tenderness, drainage and if the breast becomes hard. what if it is hard in just certain spots? i think that is ok.
i over did things a little today (saturday). i hoed in the garden, swept and mopped the floor. lifted groceries until i felt a pinch in the breast, then used the other arm. lifting and turning dishes was a little strenous on that area. also driving is too.
i am not one to be down. i am too young to be taken care of. i am one who "if you want something done, do it" does it. my house is not spotless...far from it, but i am not going to let it get trashed out. i am not going to depend on my family to work the garden or do my shopping.
it will be over 36 hours before i will hear the answer to the biopsy.
i want to say "i know i have cancer" and then it turns out i don't. i want to say "it is not cancer", but not have it turn out to be so because i was to sure of myself.
does that sound silly?
that is what is going on inside my head.
it is easier to believe i have it, then when the outcome is negative, the relief will be much better.
it is hard to tell myself that i don't have it, with the fear the results will come back positive.
not knowing sucks.
i took the dressing off of the wound. there are steri strips covering a incision that is about an inch long. i did not think they would cut it that long, but it is done. it feels better without that dressing. i had to leave the bra on for 48 hours, so that is off now too.
looking in the mirror, i can see the steri strips. the area surrounding is pinkened because my skin is sensitive to the adhesives on the tape. dried drainage under the strips. an area about the size of the palm of my hand is bruised. i touch the skin and it is numb. if i look away and someone were to touch it, i know i would not feel it. i removed the bottom steri because it was causing a burning feeling.
they tell me to watch for redness, tenderness, drainage and if the breast becomes hard. what if it is hard in just certain spots? i think that is ok.
i over did things a little today (saturday). i hoed in the garden, swept and mopped the floor. lifted groceries until i felt a pinch in the breast, then used the other arm. lifting and turning dishes was a little strenous on that area. also driving is too.
i am not one to be down. i am too young to be taken care of. i am one who "if you want something done, do it" does it. my house is not spotless...far from it, but i am not going to let it get trashed out. i am not going to depend on my family to work the garden or do my shopping.
it will be over 36 hours before i will hear the answer to the biopsy.
i want to say "i know i have cancer" and then it turns out i don't. i want to say "it is not cancer", but not have it turn out to be so because i was to sure of myself.
does that sound silly?
that is what is going on inside my head.
it is easier to believe i have it, then when the outcome is negative, the relief will be much better.
it is hard to tell myself that i don't have it, with the fear the results will come back positive.
not knowing sucks.
Friday, May 13, 2011
the day after
they took my last post away. i had blogged the day before my surgery. now it is gone. why they took it i will never know. it is only words i am writing to myself, and they were important to me. now those words are lost.
i know, i should word them and then save them in word before i post them in the blog. if i did that, i would not lose them.
i know in the lost post i finally admitted i am afraid. i know i told about where i almost choked up and let my fear show in front of my family, but i saved face when i felt it trying to sneak out. the kids don't need to know i am afraid. it would only make them feel more afraid themselves. and what about the grandkids? they do not need to see nana being afraid more so than the kids need to see mom being afraid.
i think i was more afraid of the surgery in itself than the fear of having breast cancer.
today is the day after my biopsy surgery. i am still feeling a hangover, most likely from the anesthesia. my breast is swollen and it hurts. ibuprofen is controlling the pain, even though they did give me a pain reliever that is a bit stronger. i will take that if the pain worsens, but otherwise i will use the ibuprofen.
yesterday began early. i was to be at the hospital by 0730, and i was. they signed me in, took me to change into hospital attire, then off for another mammogram.
it is a funny feeling to feel healthy and be carted around in a wheelchair, by one of your former co-workers even. the nurse who signed me in was one of my former nursing classmates. people all around me were people i knew from working with or school, or some other way. very few knew the reason i was there, and i kept it that way. the only former co-worker who knew why i was there was the one assisting with the mammogram.
at the mammogram, i was squeezed and crushed and pinched all over again. when they got me in the position they wanted they numbed to the back of my left breast, nearly under my arm, and inserted a wire to point out the mini calcifications that they wanted the surgeon to remove and test. of course the wire was left in. yes, it hurt. yes, it was uncomfortable.
and they squeezed and crushed again to make sure the wire stayed in place after the needle was removed.
i was returned to the day surgery waiting area where i waited, and waited. they transferred me from a recliner chair to a gurney bed, and i waited more. there was three anesthesiologists who came and asked me the same questions and each had me open my mouth. yes, i am allergic to all those things. yes, i have a hard time awakening from anethesia. yes, i have had other surgeries.
my daughter said that i answered all that four times. i probably did. i do not remember really.
my oldest daughter sat at my bedside while my youngest daughter texted her from her work floor above. she snuck downstairs sometime before i went into surgery.
i was hooked to a monitor, iv site was established. ouch.
then around 1100 they told me it was time and i was given the beginning dose of the sedative. i was almost out by the time i was taken to the surgical room. one of my very favorite co-workers was an RN on the surgical team.
i have no idea how long it took. i only know that as i said would happen, i was having difficulty waking up. there is a bandage to the outside of my left breast, barely under my arm. i still have the iv fluids going and the oxygen saturation thing still taped to my thumb. everything is so uncomfortable.
my daughter said i had been sleeping for about 4 hours. it must have been very short because it is about 1530 by the clock that i could see. i hear my daughter telling the nurse that i keep waking up, but only staying awake for a few seconds. i want to go home, so i force myself to wake up. i make myself sit up and stay awake. i do not want to be here anymore. i can sleep at home.
they had brung me a diet soda to drink because i am diabetic. it is nasty. another of my old classmates pops in and is talking to my daughter. of course i can leave if i can drink. i told her if i could have real soda and not diet i could drink it. she brought me real soda. it was good, i think more because it was wet. i ate some cookies too, and they did nauseate me a little.
my younger daughter shows up, i get my orders and my clothes. they remove all of the wires and such then i dress. one of the girls i know brings a wheelchair for me to go out in. i need to use the toilet which is only feet from me. i asked her if i had to ride that far in the wheel chair and every one laughed at me. i walked and made it safely. finally i was wheeled away.
after stopping at the pharmacy to pick up my medications, watched over by my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter drove up and snatched me away home. i know i must have slept on the way because i do not remember most of the trip.
at home i ate some chicken noodle soup and made myself comfortable on the sofa. through naps and people coming, i was able to watch grey's anatomy and private practice, then i announced i was going to bed, and i did.
after waking up multiple times through the night, my sort of son in law popped his head in the bedroom to check on me, and it was time for me to get up and get the grandchildren off to school.
i feel lousy. it is an anesthesia hangover. my breast hurts, but like i mentioned earlier, it is not too bad. i find myself keeping my arm close to my side, protecting my breast, and not using the arm itself too much. i don't even have to think about it. it just stays there.
the hospital has called to check on my condition. they are good about that.
now there is the wait again. results should be in monday.
i hate waiting.
i know, i should word them and then save them in word before i post them in the blog. if i did that, i would not lose them.
i know in the lost post i finally admitted i am afraid. i know i told about where i almost choked up and let my fear show in front of my family, but i saved face when i felt it trying to sneak out. the kids don't need to know i am afraid. it would only make them feel more afraid themselves. and what about the grandkids? they do not need to see nana being afraid more so than the kids need to see mom being afraid.
i think i was more afraid of the surgery in itself than the fear of having breast cancer.
today is the day after my biopsy surgery. i am still feeling a hangover, most likely from the anesthesia. my breast is swollen and it hurts. ibuprofen is controlling the pain, even though they did give me a pain reliever that is a bit stronger. i will take that if the pain worsens, but otherwise i will use the ibuprofen.
yesterday began early. i was to be at the hospital by 0730, and i was. they signed me in, took me to change into hospital attire, then off for another mammogram.
it is a funny feeling to feel healthy and be carted around in a wheelchair, by one of your former co-workers even. the nurse who signed me in was one of my former nursing classmates. people all around me were people i knew from working with or school, or some other way. very few knew the reason i was there, and i kept it that way. the only former co-worker who knew why i was there was the one assisting with the mammogram.
at the mammogram, i was squeezed and crushed and pinched all over again. when they got me in the position they wanted they numbed to the back of my left breast, nearly under my arm, and inserted a wire to point out the mini calcifications that they wanted the surgeon to remove and test. of course the wire was left in. yes, it hurt. yes, it was uncomfortable.
and they squeezed and crushed again to make sure the wire stayed in place after the needle was removed.
i was returned to the day surgery waiting area where i waited, and waited. they transferred me from a recliner chair to a gurney bed, and i waited more. there was three anesthesiologists who came and asked me the same questions and each had me open my mouth. yes, i am allergic to all those things. yes, i have a hard time awakening from anethesia. yes, i have had other surgeries.
my daughter said that i answered all that four times. i probably did. i do not remember really.
my oldest daughter sat at my bedside while my youngest daughter texted her from her work floor above. she snuck downstairs sometime before i went into surgery.
i was hooked to a monitor, iv site was established. ouch.
then around 1100 they told me it was time and i was given the beginning dose of the sedative. i was almost out by the time i was taken to the surgical room. one of my very favorite co-workers was an RN on the surgical team.
i have no idea how long it took. i only know that as i said would happen, i was having difficulty waking up. there is a bandage to the outside of my left breast, barely under my arm. i still have the iv fluids going and the oxygen saturation thing still taped to my thumb. everything is so uncomfortable.
my daughter said i had been sleeping for about 4 hours. it must have been very short because it is about 1530 by the clock that i could see. i hear my daughter telling the nurse that i keep waking up, but only staying awake for a few seconds. i want to go home, so i force myself to wake up. i make myself sit up and stay awake. i do not want to be here anymore. i can sleep at home.
they had brung me a diet soda to drink because i am diabetic. it is nasty. another of my old classmates pops in and is talking to my daughter. of course i can leave if i can drink. i told her if i could have real soda and not diet i could drink it. she brought me real soda. it was good, i think more because it was wet. i ate some cookies too, and they did nauseate me a little.
my younger daughter shows up, i get my orders and my clothes. they remove all of the wires and such then i dress. one of the girls i know brings a wheelchair for me to go out in. i need to use the toilet which is only feet from me. i asked her if i had to ride that far in the wheel chair and every one laughed at me. i walked and made it safely. finally i was wheeled away.
after stopping at the pharmacy to pick up my medications, watched over by my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter drove up and snatched me away home. i know i must have slept on the way because i do not remember most of the trip.
at home i ate some chicken noodle soup and made myself comfortable on the sofa. through naps and people coming, i was able to watch grey's anatomy and private practice, then i announced i was going to bed, and i did.
after waking up multiple times through the night, my sort of son in law popped his head in the bedroom to check on me, and it was time for me to get up and get the grandchildren off to school.
i feel lousy. it is an anesthesia hangover. my breast hurts, but like i mentioned earlier, it is not too bad. i find myself keeping my arm close to my side, protecting my breast, and not using the arm itself too much. i don't even have to think about it. it just stays there.
the hospital has called to check on my condition. they are good about that.
now there is the wait again. results should be in monday.
i hate waiting.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
say a little prayer
tomorrow is the big day. i will be at the hospital at 0730 in the morning. they are going to perform another mammogram, insert a wire then remove a chunk of my breast. they call it a lumpectomy. how can they do a lumpectomy when there is not really a lump? i do not think you can consider mini calcifications a lump.
then another wait begins. no results for at least 2 days. what about the weekend? will that add to the wait?
my biggest concern is that if i do have breast cancer, i will not be able to do the physical things that i do now. that would be my biggest disappointment if i had cancer. i am one for doing for myself. when they came up with DIY (do it yourself) they had me in mind. even though i am losing my strength with age, i continue to at least make the attempt to do whatever it is i need done.
it is going to be bad enough that this test is going to put me on the side lines for a few days, but if i have cancer, depending on the treatment, the sidelines might be permanent.
today there was a second i became really scared. i felt myself just about to lose it, but i was at the supper table with my family and i could not bear for them to see me scared, so i choked it up really fast and no one noticed it. i do not know what brought it on at that moment, but at least it did not sneak out.
now i must go to bed. i am sure i will sleep without problem. i worked out in the yard today to keep busy, so i am extremely tired.
if you are reading this, even though you may not know me, say a little prayer for me? thanks
huggggggggsssssssss
then another wait begins. no results for at least 2 days. what about the weekend? will that add to the wait?
my biggest concern is that if i do have breast cancer, i will not be able to do the physical things that i do now. that would be my biggest disappointment if i had cancer. i am one for doing for myself. when they came up with DIY (do it yourself) they had me in mind. even though i am losing my strength with age, i continue to at least make the attempt to do whatever it is i need done.
it is going to be bad enough that this test is going to put me on the side lines for a few days, but if i have cancer, depending on the treatment, the sidelines might be permanent.
today there was a second i became really scared. i felt myself just about to lose it, but i was at the supper table with my family and i could not bear for them to see me scared, so i choked it up really fast and no one noticed it. i do not know what brought it on at that moment, but at least it did not sneak out.
now i must go to bed. i am sure i will sleep without problem. i worked out in the yard today to keep busy, so i am extremely tired.
if you are reading this, even though you may not know me, say a little prayer for me? thanks
huggggggggsssssssss
Sunday, May 8, 2011
just take em all
it was all i could do not to cry.
tonight, my daughter brought me something from one of her friends that is a breast cancer survivor. i guess she had to tell someone because she requested the day off to be able to go with me for my biopsy.
there is a silver breacelet that has the word "hope" on it. and a worry stone that contains an angel. the same worry stone that she worried to pieces when she was going through treatment, and has worried it since then too.
God gives you what you need, and just the other day i was thinking that i needed a worry stone.
i have to worry for another week. the test is on thursday, but i will not know the results until next monday.
i imagine pains that are probably not really there. first it hurts on one side, then it hurts on the other. sometimes right in the middle. i do not know where the abnormalty is, so of course i imagine that each painful spot is a place where the cancer has taken over. well, not really imagine, just wonder.
i also picture a big wound on my breast where he cuts me to take the mini whatevers out. this cluster of stuff hanging around in my breast. i know it is only going to be a smal cut really, but my brain keeps imagining a big gaping wound. then a gruesome scar.
is it normal not to worry that it might be cancer? or am i really worried about it and in denial?
why don't we just forget the biopsy and do a breast augmentation?? take em all away. i have too much anyways, and i hate wearing bras. cut em all teh way off and i will never have to wear a bra or worry about the breast cancer. good idea??
tonight, my daughter brought me something from one of her friends that is a breast cancer survivor. i guess she had to tell someone because she requested the day off to be able to go with me for my biopsy.
there is a silver breacelet that has the word "hope" on it. and a worry stone that contains an angel. the same worry stone that she worried to pieces when she was going through treatment, and has worried it since then too.
God gives you what you need, and just the other day i was thinking that i needed a worry stone.
i have to worry for another week. the test is on thursday, but i will not know the results until next monday.
i imagine pains that are probably not really there. first it hurts on one side, then it hurts on the other. sometimes right in the middle. i do not know where the abnormalty is, so of course i imagine that each painful spot is a place where the cancer has taken over. well, not really imagine, just wonder.
i also picture a big wound on my breast where he cuts me to take the mini whatevers out. this cluster of stuff hanging around in my breast. i know it is only going to be a smal cut really, but my brain keeps imagining a big gaping wound. then a gruesome scar.
is it normal not to worry that it might be cancer? or am i really worried about it and in denial?
why don't we just forget the biopsy and do a breast augmentation?? take em all away. i have too much anyways, and i hate wearing bras. cut em all teh way off and i will never have to wear a bra or worry about the breast cancer. good idea??
Saturday, May 7, 2011
i don't wait well
i called the dr and asked for a helping hand. i cannot make it to next Thursday without something to assist me. he did prescribe me some xanax. it is one of my miracle drugs. i rarely use it, but i have needed it before. it got me out of the mountains when i could not do it.
i find myself looking down at my breast and just wondering sometimes. is there some mean disease growing inside me? or is it just a harmless little weed that needs the surgeon to pull it?
i am doing fairly well for having to play this waiting game. i am not a waiter. even though people tell me that i am a very patient person, i don't believe them because i know myself. i am the type of person that wants things done yesterday. i am just capable of hiding that in me.
i do not want my breast to be cut open and a small chunk of it removed. that is what i dwell on. not if i have cancer or not. yes, i know i am strange. i have done the crying before, many years ago when there was something odd and i had to go for a mri test. same breast. didn't have cancer then.
i don't want my family to have to take me to this surgery and wait for me. i just want to take myself, but i am sure i will be glad for someone to be there when the day gets here. i will sleep on the way home because i will still be groggy from the sedative.
then i will wait again.
i will wait until probably Monday when the results should be in. why is it that they cannot test it right there and give me an answer? i am sure that someone knows i am not a person who waits well.
i find myself looking down at my breast and just wondering sometimes. is there some mean disease growing inside me? or is it just a harmless little weed that needs the surgeon to pull it?
i am doing fairly well for having to play this waiting game. i am not a waiter. even though people tell me that i am a very patient person, i don't believe them because i know myself. i am the type of person that wants things done yesterday. i am just capable of hiding that in me.
i do not want my breast to be cut open and a small chunk of it removed. that is what i dwell on. not if i have cancer or not. yes, i know i am strange. i have done the crying before, many years ago when there was something odd and i had to go for a mri test. same breast. didn't have cancer then.
i don't want my family to have to take me to this surgery and wait for me. i just want to take myself, but i am sure i will be glad for someone to be there when the day gets here. i will sleep on the way home because i will still be groggy from the sedative.
then i will wait again.
i will wait until probably Monday when the results should be in. why is it that they cannot test it right there and give me an answer? i am sure that someone knows i am not a person who waits well.
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