Just goes to figure, that when you have plans, you get sick.
The plans I have are not really ones that I want to have. This Tuesday, I will be up way too early and sitting in waiting a big part of the day. I will take my kindle, and I will take some yarn. I will have my phone.
Daryl will have her mastectomy this Tuesday. She has to be there at 7 am, and I have to be there to take her.
At home is Dalton, who is sick. His throat is swollen and sore. He has sinus congestion. Guess what is wrong with me?
I have been struggling with my sinuses, but that is a norm. Yesterday my throat was getting a little sore, today I have body aches. This is not right.
I went to Wal-Mart and got some Sudafed, nasal spray and at home I have a few antibiotics from another time. Hopefully all this will ward off what ever is trying to take me down. At least until Wednesday.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Again
It is hard to believe that it has been forever since I last posted a blog, but I do not feel bad about it, as I can see that not many other people in my list are posting blogs either.
If I had remembered this is my secret blog, where I can come and post my secret thoughts and feelings, I might have come and posted more often. But I forgot.
This is my venting blog. Not too many people know about it, so not too many people I know read it. Therefore, I can come here and write anything I desire because then I do not have to worry about anyone reading it and becoming pissed at me because of what I write.
Last time I blogged, I was going through the "I might have cancer" time. Today, it is "my sister does have cancer" time.
Daryl, has been diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time in her life. Last year she had a mastectomy. She is unable to do radiation or chemotherapy due to her medical history of seizures. They even tried a hormone on her to help with cancer prevention, and she had a grand mal seizure. She almost died.
About a week ago, I took my sister to the office for her biopsy. Three days later was the call stating it was positive. Now, we are awaiting the appointment with the surgeon.
The anger flows through me with this new diagnosis.
When she had the first mastectomy, she had asked them to remove both breasts due to the fact of her history of cancer in the one they did not take. She went through blood tests they do to see if your cancer is familial. The inherited gene.
It is not, therefore, insurance would not pay for a bilateral mastectomy.
Now she has to go through this surgery again, just on the opposite side of what was already done. Don't you think money could have been saved if they had done it in the first place?
Who am I to yell at? Who is it that I stand before and scream that they are idiots?
My sister is already on disability because the radiologist failed to see a brain bleed that she had, due to a leaking aneurysm that ruptured, causing seizures and a heart attack. She died on the table of the surgeon who stopped the bleed. She was never quite right after that.
Now she has to go back under the knife due to a medical system that is failing us.
Dear Lord, please give us the strength we need to make it through this, again.
If I had remembered this is my secret blog, where I can come and post my secret thoughts and feelings, I might have come and posted more often. But I forgot.
This is my venting blog. Not too many people know about it, so not too many people I know read it. Therefore, I can come here and write anything I desire because then I do not have to worry about anyone reading it and becoming pissed at me because of what I write.
Last time I blogged, I was going through the "I might have cancer" time. Today, it is "my sister does have cancer" time.
Daryl, has been diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time in her life. Last year she had a mastectomy. She is unable to do radiation or chemotherapy due to her medical history of seizures. They even tried a hormone on her to help with cancer prevention, and she had a grand mal seizure. She almost died.
About a week ago, I took my sister to the office for her biopsy. Three days later was the call stating it was positive. Now, we are awaiting the appointment with the surgeon.
The anger flows through me with this new diagnosis.
When she had the first mastectomy, she had asked them to remove both breasts due to the fact of her history of cancer in the one they did not take. She went through blood tests they do to see if your cancer is familial. The inherited gene.
It is not, therefore, insurance would not pay for a bilateral mastectomy.
Now she has to go through this surgery again, just on the opposite side of what was already done. Don't you think money could have been saved if they had done it in the first place?
Who am I to yell at? Who is it that I stand before and scream that they are idiots?
My sister is already on disability because the radiologist failed to see a brain bleed that she had, due to a leaking aneurysm that ruptured, causing seizures and a heart attack. She died on the table of the surgeon who stopped the bleed. She was never quite right after that.
Now she has to go back under the knife due to a medical system that is failing us.
Dear Lord, please give us the strength we need to make it through this, again.
Monday, May 16, 2011
now i can breathe
this morning i called for the test results. they told me they were ok. follow up visit with surgeon in wednesday.
i am never going to do another mammogram. the wait is worse than you can imagine. this is not my first wait, only my first biopsy.
not that i want cancer, but i don't want the wait to find out anymore.
will see in a few more years.
for now, i can breathe.
i am never going to do another mammogram. the wait is worse than you can imagine. this is not my first wait, only my first biopsy.
not that i want cancer, but i don't want the wait to find out anymore.
will see in a few more years.
for now, i can breathe.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
today is hard
today it is hard. my chest hurts. i should take a xanax but i haven't yet. ok, now i did.
in less than 24 hours i will make a phone call that may change my life. today i feel numb. and tired. it does not help that i have been looking online for beads and charms to make support bracelets. keeps it close to the front of my brain. the kids are getting on my nerves too easily.
it is too cold and wet to send them outside.
nothing else to say. brain is blank.
huggss
in less than 24 hours i will make a phone call that may change my life. today i feel numb. and tired. it does not help that i have been looking online for beads and charms to make support bracelets. keeps it close to the front of my brain. the kids are getting on my nerves too easily.
it is too cold and wet to send them outside.
nothing else to say. brain is blank.
huggss
not knowing sucks
it is quite early sunday morning. i should be in bed, but i have been looking for some beads. i did not find them.
i took the dressing off of the wound. there are steri strips covering a incision that is about an inch long. i did not think they would cut it that long, but it is done. it feels better without that dressing. i had to leave the bra on for 48 hours, so that is off now too.
looking in the mirror, i can see the steri strips. the area surrounding is pinkened because my skin is sensitive to the adhesives on the tape. dried drainage under the strips. an area about the size of the palm of my hand is bruised. i touch the skin and it is numb. if i look away and someone were to touch it, i know i would not feel it. i removed the bottom steri because it was causing a burning feeling.
they tell me to watch for redness, tenderness, drainage and if the breast becomes hard. what if it is hard in just certain spots? i think that is ok.
i over did things a little today (saturday). i hoed in the garden, swept and mopped the floor. lifted groceries until i felt a pinch in the breast, then used the other arm. lifting and turning dishes was a little strenous on that area. also driving is too.
i am not one to be down. i am too young to be taken care of. i am one who "if you want something done, do it" does it. my house is not spotless...far from it, but i am not going to let it get trashed out. i am not going to depend on my family to work the garden or do my shopping.
it will be over 36 hours before i will hear the answer to the biopsy.
i want to say "i know i have cancer" and then it turns out i don't. i want to say "it is not cancer", but not have it turn out to be so because i was to sure of myself.
does that sound silly?
that is what is going on inside my head.
it is easier to believe i have it, then when the outcome is negative, the relief will be much better.
it is hard to tell myself that i don't have it, with the fear the results will come back positive.
not knowing sucks.
i took the dressing off of the wound. there are steri strips covering a incision that is about an inch long. i did not think they would cut it that long, but it is done. it feels better without that dressing. i had to leave the bra on for 48 hours, so that is off now too.
looking in the mirror, i can see the steri strips. the area surrounding is pinkened because my skin is sensitive to the adhesives on the tape. dried drainage under the strips. an area about the size of the palm of my hand is bruised. i touch the skin and it is numb. if i look away and someone were to touch it, i know i would not feel it. i removed the bottom steri because it was causing a burning feeling.
they tell me to watch for redness, tenderness, drainage and if the breast becomes hard. what if it is hard in just certain spots? i think that is ok.
i over did things a little today (saturday). i hoed in the garden, swept and mopped the floor. lifted groceries until i felt a pinch in the breast, then used the other arm. lifting and turning dishes was a little strenous on that area. also driving is too.
i am not one to be down. i am too young to be taken care of. i am one who "if you want something done, do it" does it. my house is not spotless...far from it, but i am not going to let it get trashed out. i am not going to depend on my family to work the garden or do my shopping.
it will be over 36 hours before i will hear the answer to the biopsy.
i want to say "i know i have cancer" and then it turns out i don't. i want to say "it is not cancer", but not have it turn out to be so because i was to sure of myself.
does that sound silly?
that is what is going on inside my head.
it is easier to believe i have it, then when the outcome is negative, the relief will be much better.
it is hard to tell myself that i don't have it, with the fear the results will come back positive.
not knowing sucks.
Friday, May 13, 2011
the day after
they took my last post away. i had blogged the day before my surgery. now it is gone. why they took it i will never know. it is only words i am writing to myself, and they were important to me. now those words are lost.
i know, i should word them and then save them in word before i post them in the blog. if i did that, i would not lose them.
i know in the lost post i finally admitted i am afraid. i know i told about where i almost choked up and let my fear show in front of my family, but i saved face when i felt it trying to sneak out. the kids don't need to know i am afraid. it would only make them feel more afraid themselves. and what about the grandkids? they do not need to see nana being afraid more so than the kids need to see mom being afraid.
i think i was more afraid of the surgery in itself than the fear of having breast cancer.
today is the day after my biopsy surgery. i am still feeling a hangover, most likely from the anesthesia. my breast is swollen and it hurts. ibuprofen is controlling the pain, even though they did give me a pain reliever that is a bit stronger. i will take that if the pain worsens, but otherwise i will use the ibuprofen.
yesterday began early. i was to be at the hospital by 0730, and i was. they signed me in, took me to change into hospital attire, then off for another mammogram.
it is a funny feeling to feel healthy and be carted around in a wheelchair, by one of your former co-workers even. the nurse who signed me in was one of my former nursing classmates. people all around me were people i knew from working with or school, or some other way. very few knew the reason i was there, and i kept it that way. the only former co-worker who knew why i was there was the one assisting with the mammogram.
at the mammogram, i was squeezed and crushed and pinched all over again. when they got me in the position they wanted they numbed to the back of my left breast, nearly under my arm, and inserted a wire to point out the mini calcifications that they wanted the surgeon to remove and test. of course the wire was left in. yes, it hurt. yes, it was uncomfortable.
and they squeezed and crushed again to make sure the wire stayed in place after the needle was removed.
i was returned to the day surgery waiting area where i waited, and waited. they transferred me from a recliner chair to a gurney bed, and i waited more. there was three anesthesiologists who came and asked me the same questions and each had me open my mouth. yes, i am allergic to all those things. yes, i have a hard time awakening from anethesia. yes, i have had other surgeries.
my daughter said that i answered all that four times. i probably did. i do not remember really.
my oldest daughter sat at my bedside while my youngest daughter texted her from her work floor above. she snuck downstairs sometime before i went into surgery.
i was hooked to a monitor, iv site was established. ouch.
then around 1100 they told me it was time and i was given the beginning dose of the sedative. i was almost out by the time i was taken to the surgical room. one of my very favorite co-workers was an RN on the surgical team.
i have no idea how long it took. i only know that as i said would happen, i was having difficulty waking up. there is a bandage to the outside of my left breast, barely under my arm. i still have the iv fluids going and the oxygen saturation thing still taped to my thumb. everything is so uncomfortable.
my daughter said i had been sleeping for about 4 hours. it must have been very short because it is about 1530 by the clock that i could see. i hear my daughter telling the nurse that i keep waking up, but only staying awake for a few seconds. i want to go home, so i force myself to wake up. i make myself sit up and stay awake. i do not want to be here anymore. i can sleep at home.
they had brung me a diet soda to drink because i am diabetic. it is nasty. another of my old classmates pops in and is talking to my daughter. of course i can leave if i can drink. i told her if i could have real soda and not diet i could drink it. she brought me real soda. it was good, i think more because it was wet. i ate some cookies too, and they did nauseate me a little.
my younger daughter shows up, i get my orders and my clothes. they remove all of the wires and such then i dress. one of the girls i know brings a wheelchair for me to go out in. i need to use the toilet which is only feet from me. i asked her if i had to ride that far in the wheel chair and every one laughed at me. i walked and made it safely. finally i was wheeled away.
after stopping at the pharmacy to pick up my medications, watched over by my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter drove up and snatched me away home. i know i must have slept on the way because i do not remember most of the trip.
at home i ate some chicken noodle soup and made myself comfortable on the sofa. through naps and people coming, i was able to watch grey's anatomy and private practice, then i announced i was going to bed, and i did.
after waking up multiple times through the night, my sort of son in law popped his head in the bedroom to check on me, and it was time for me to get up and get the grandchildren off to school.
i feel lousy. it is an anesthesia hangover. my breast hurts, but like i mentioned earlier, it is not too bad. i find myself keeping my arm close to my side, protecting my breast, and not using the arm itself too much. i don't even have to think about it. it just stays there.
the hospital has called to check on my condition. they are good about that.
now there is the wait again. results should be in monday.
i hate waiting.
i know, i should word them and then save them in word before i post them in the blog. if i did that, i would not lose them.
i know in the lost post i finally admitted i am afraid. i know i told about where i almost choked up and let my fear show in front of my family, but i saved face when i felt it trying to sneak out. the kids don't need to know i am afraid. it would only make them feel more afraid themselves. and what about the grandkids? they do not need to see nana being afraid more so than the kids need to see mom being afraid.
i think i was more afraid of the surgery in itself than the fear of having breast cancer.
today is the day after my biopsy surgery. i am still feeling a hangover, most likely from the anesthesia. my breast is swollen and it hurts. ibuprofen is controlling the pain, even though they did give me a pain reliever that is a bit stronger. i will take that if the pain worsens, but otherwise i will use the ibuprofen.
yesterday began early. i was to be at the hospital by 0730, and i was. they signed me in, took me to change into hospital attire, then off for another mammogram.
it is a funny feeling to feel healthy and be carted around in a wheelchair, by one of your former co-workers even. the nurse who signed me in was one of my former nursing classmates. people all around me were people i knew from working with or school, or some other way. very few knew the reason i was there, and i kept it that way. the only former co-worker who knew why i was there was the one assisting with the mammogram.
at the mammogram, i was squeezed and crushed and pinched all over again. when they got me in the position they wanted they numbed to the back of my left breast, nearly under my arm, and inserted a wire to point out the mini calcifications that they wanted the surgeon to remove and test. of course the wire was left in. yes, it hurt. yes, it was uncomfortable.
and they squeezed and crushed again to make sure the wire stayed in place after the needle was removed.
i was returned to the day surgery waiting area where i waited, and waited. they transferred me from a recliner chair to a gurney bed, and i waited more. there was three anesthesiologists who came and asked me the same questions and each had me open my mouth. yes, i am allergic to all those things. yes, i have a hard time awakening from anethesia. yes, i have had other surgeries.
my daughter said that i answered all that four times. i probably did. i do not remember really.
my oldest daughter sat at my bedside while my youngest daughter texted her from her work floor above. she snuck downstairs sometime before i went into surgery.
i was hooked to a monitor, iv site was established. ouch.
then around 1100 they told me it was time and i was given the beginning dose of the sedative. i was almost out by the time i was taken to the surgical room. one of my very favorite co-workers was an RN on the surgical team.
i have no idea how long it took. i only know that as i said would happen, i was having difficulty waking up. there is a bandage to the outside of my left breast, barely under my arm. i still have the iv fluids going and the oxygen saturation thing still taped to my thumb. everything is so uncomfortable.
my daughter said i had been sleeping for about 4 hours. it must have been very short because it is about 1530 by the clock that i could see. i hear my daughter telling the nurse that i keep waking up, but only staying awake for a few seconds. i want to go home, so i force myself to wake up. i make myself sit up and stay awake. i do not want to be here anymore. i can sleep at home.
they had brung me a diet soda to drink because i am diabetic. it is nasty. another of my old classmates pops in and is talking to my daughter. of course i can leave if i can drink. i told her if i could have real soda and not diet i could drink it. she brought me real soda. it was good, i think more because it was wet. i ate some cookies too, and they did nauseate me a little.
my younger daughter shows up, i get my orders and my clothes. they remove all of the wires and such then i dress. one of the girls i know brings a wheelchair for me to go out in. i need to use the toilet which is only feet from me. i asked her if i had to ride that far in the wheel chair and every one laughed at me. i walked and made it safely. finally i was wheeled away.
after stopping at the pharmacy to pick up my medications, watched over by my youngest daughter, my oldest daughter drove up and snatched me away home. i know i must have slept on the way because i do not remember most of the trip.
at home i ate some chicken noodle soup and made myself comfortable on the sofa. through naps and people coming, i was able to watch grey's anatomy and private practice, then i announced i was going to bed, and i did.
after waking up multiple times through the night, my sort of son in law popped his head in the bedroom to check on me, and it was time for me to get up and get the grandchildren off to school.
i feel lousy. it is an anesthesia hangover. my breast hurts, but like i mentioned earlier, it is not too bad. i find myself keeping my arm close to my side, protecting my breast, and not using the arm itself too much. i don't even have to think about it. it just stays there.
the hospital has called to check on my condition. they are good about that.
now there is the wait again. results should be in monday.
i hate waiting.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
say a little prayer
tomorrow is the big day. i will be at the hospital at 0730 in the morning. they are going to perform another mammogram, insert a wire then remove a chunk of my breast. they call it a lumpectomy. how can they do a lumpectomy when there is not really a lump? i do not think you can consider mini calcifications a lump.
then another wait begins. no results for at least 2 days. what about the weekend? will that add to the wait?
my biggest concern is that if i do have breast cancer, i will not be able to do the physical things that i do now. that would be my biggest disappointment if i had cancer. i am one for doing for myself. when they came up with DIY (do it yourself) they had me in mind. even though i am losing my strength with age, i continue to at least make the attempt to do whatever it is i need done.
it is going to be bad enough that this test is going to put me on the side lines for a few days, but if i have cancer, depending on the treatment, the sidelines might be permanent.
today there was a second i became really scared. i felt myself just about to lose it, but i was at the supper table with my family and i could not bear for them to see me scared, so i choked it up really fast and no one noticed it. i do not know what brought it on at that moment, but at least it did not sneak out.
now i must go to bed. i am sure i will sleep without problem. i worked out in the yard today to keep busy, so i am extremely tired.
if you are reading this, even though you may not know me, say a little prayer for me? thanks
huggggggggsssssssss
then another wait begins. no results for at least 2 days. what about the weekend? will that add to the wait?
my biggest concern is that if i do have breast cancer, i will not be able to do the physical things that i do now. that would be my biggest disappointment if i had cancer. i am one for doing for myself. when they came up with DIY (do it yourself) they had me in mind. even though i am losing my strength with age, i continue to at least make the attempt to do whatever it is i need done.
it is going to be bad enough that this test is going to put me on the side lines for a few days, but if i have cancer, depending on the treatment, the sidelines might be permanent.
today there was a second i became really scared. i felt myself just about to lose it, but i was at the supper table with my family and i could not bear for them to see me scared, so i choked it up really fast and no one noticed it. i do not know what brought it on at that moment, but at least it did not sneak out.
now i must go to bed. i am sure i will sleep without problem. i worked out in the yard today to keep busy, so i am extremely tired.
if you are reading this, even though you may not know me, say a little prayer for me? thanks
huggggggggsssssssss
Sunday, May 8, 2011
just take em all
it was all i could do not to cry.
tonight, my daughter brought me something from one of her friends that is a breast cancer survivor. i guess she had to tell someone because she requested the day off to be able to go with me for my biopsy.
there is a silver breacelet that has the word "hope" on it. and a worry stone that contains an angel. the same worry stone that she worried to pieces when she was going through treatment, and has worried it since then too.
God gives you what you need, and just the other day i was thinking that i needed a worry stone.
i have to worry for another week. the test is on thursday, but i will not know the results until next monday.
i imagine pains that are probably not really there. first it hurts on one side, then it hurts on the other. sometimes right in the middle. i do not know where the abnormalty is, so of course i imagine that each painful spot is a place where the cancer has taken over. well, not really imagine, just wonder.
i also picture a big wound on my breast where he cuts me to take the mini whatevers out. this cluster of stuff hanging around in my breast. i know it is only going to be a smal cut really, but my brain keeps imagining a big gaping wound. then a gruesome scar.
is it normal not to worry that it might be cancer? or am i really worried about it and in denial?
why don't we just forget the biopsy and do a breast augmentation?? take em all away. i have too much anyways, and i hate wearing bras. cut em all teh way off and i will never have to wear a bra or worry about the breast cancer. good idea??
tonight, my daughter brought me something from one of her friends that is a breast cancer survivor. i guess she had to tell someone because she requested the day off to be able to go with me for my biopsy.
there is a silver breacelet that has the word "hope" on it. and a worry stone that contains an angel. the same worry stone that she worried to pieces when she was going through treatment, and has worried it since then too.
God gives you what you need, and just the other day i was thinking that i needed a worry stone.
i have to worry for another week. the test is on thursday, but i will not know the results until next monday.
i imagine pains that are probably not really there. first it hurts on one side, then it hurts on the other. sometimes right in the middle. i do not know where the abnormalty is, so of course i imagine that each painful spot is a place where the cancer has taken over. well, not really imagine, just wonder.
i also picture a big wound on my breast where he cuts me to take the mini whatevers out. this cluster of stuff hanging around in my breast. i know it is only going to be a smal cut really, but my brain keeps imagining a big gaping wound. then a gruesome scar.
is it normal not to worry that it might be cancer? or am i really worried about it and in denial?
why don't we just forget the biopsy and do a breast augmentation?? take em all away. i have too much anyways, and i hate wearing bras. cut em all teh way off and i will never have to wear a bra or worry about the breast cancer. good idea??
Saturday, May 7, 2011
i don't wait well
i called the dr and asked for a helping hand. i cannot make it to next Thursday without something to assist me. he did prescribe me some xanax. it is one of my miracle drugs. i rarely use it, but i have needed it before. it got me out of the mountains when i could not do it.
i find myself looking down at my breast and just wondering sometimes. is there some mean disease growing inside me? or is it just a harmless little weed that needs the surgeon to pull it?
i am doing fairly well for having to play this waiting game. i am not a waiter. even though people tell me that i am a very patient person, i don't believe them because i know myself. i am the type of person that wants things done yesterday. i am just capable of hiding that in me.
i do not want my breast to be cut open and a small chunk of it removed. that is what i dwell on. not if i have cancer or not. yes, i know i am strange. i have done the crying before, many years ago when there was something odd and i had to go for a mri test. same breast. didn't have cancer then.
i don't want my family to have to take me to this surgery and wait for me. i just want to take myself, but i am sure i will be glad for someone to be there when the day gets here. i will sleep on the way home because i will still be groggy from the sedative.
then i will wait again.
i will wait until probably Monday when the results should be in. why is it that they cannot test it right there and give me an answer? i am sure that someone knows i am not a person who waits well.
i find myself looking down at my breast and just wondering sometimes. is there some mean disease growing inside me? or is it just a harmless little weed that needs the surgeon to pull it?
i am doing fairly well for having to play this waiting game. i am not a waiter. even though people tell me that i am a very patient person, i don't believe them because i know myself. i am the type of person that wants things done yesterday. i am just capable of hiding that in me.
i do not want my breast to be cut open and a small chunk of it removed. that is what i dwell on. not if i have cancer or not. yes, i know i am strange. i have done the crying before, many years ago when there was something odd and i had to go for a mri test. same breast. didn't have cancer then.
i don't want my family to have to take me to this surgery and wait for me. i just want to take myself, but i am sure i will be glad for someone to be there when the day gets here. i will sleep on the way home because i will still be groggy from the sedative.
then i will wait again.
i will wait until probably Monday when the results should be in. why is it that they cannot test it right there and give me an answer? i am sure that someone knows i am not a person who waits well.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
don't give me that look
the stress is beginning. the stress of waiting, of not knowing. the stress that it is going to be a week before i can have the biopsy done. then more days to wait for the results. my chest hurts and i feel my mind just sort of going numb.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.
just amputate the nipple
it was a sucky day at work. for quite awhile though, it kept my mind off of the fact of what might possibly be growing inside my breast. in the morning, i go to the surgeon to discuss what type of biopsy he might do. the radiologist suggested it might be a lumpectomy.
tell me, if the radiologist could not locate teh little boogers, how is a surgeon going to locate them any easier?
truthfully, i do not want to go through with this. i just want to forget that i even had that mammogram that showed these tiny little spots they called microwhats? i want to go on living like there is nothing that could possibly be wrong.
yes, my boob is sore, but that has come to be a normal for me. i am old. other than my nipple occasionally being sore, it hurts no more or no less than the other boob. how can a sore nipple be a sign that there might be cancer on the chest wall? let's just amputate the nipple and all will be well.
tell me, if the radiologist could not locate teh little boogers, how is a surgeon going to locate them any easier?
truthfully, i do not want to go through with this. i just want to forget that i even had that mammogram that showed these tiny little spots they called microwhats? i want to go on living like there is nothing that could possibly be wrong.
yes, my boob is sore, but that has come to be a normal for me. i am old. other than my nipple occasionally being sore, it hurts no more or no less than the other boob. how can a sore nipple be a sign that there might be cancer on the chest wall? let's just amputate the nipple and all will be well.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
this really sucks
i have just blogged on my other site, but i cannot bring myself to blog about what is on my mind. it is late sunday night, and i must wait until wednesday to go to the consult with the surgeon. it aggravates me so that i cannot do it al NOW. i hate the wait.
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss
no matter what i am doing, i find my mind wandering back to the idea that i might possibly have breast cancer.
wandering back? that is really a laugh. i am not wanderng back to that thought, it is always there, just slightly covered with the activity i am doing at the time. it pops up through the coating i am making attempts to paint over it.
there are times i feel tears trying to break through. my throat gets all choked up and my eyes moisten. then i do a little sniffle and it is gone.
sometimes i feel like i need to burst out in tears, but they really don't come. just for a second maybe, but no more than that.
i think about my sisters and mom, my sister in law. all who have had cancer. all survived except mom. daryl was first. she was in her thirties and she did not discuss it with me. i am not sure how much she discussed with the rest of the family either. she and i were always on the outs, and the rest of the girls lived quite a distance.
when mom got breast cancer, she was near 60. she was in chicago, and they did radiation on her. i do not know how much was irradiated, but i do know that it did metastasize to her cervix then to her liver. will that happen to me also? i am having a hysterectomy in july for other reasons, so i will not have to worry about that sort of metastasize.
terry had it just a few years ago. she is the baby girl of the family. she sort of withdrew from everyone and when i called to speak with her, she did not have much to say to me. she did pull through and was then able to talk about it.
louise, the very oldest of the full blood sisters, also had breast cancer. i had not seen her for awhile, but when i did, you could tell that she was sick. she does not communicate with me, but i believe she was healed from it. remission is what that is called.
i am not sure if ramona has had it or not. most times i do not consider her my sister, so i do not keep tabs on her.
my sister in law petey, she had it just a bit over a year ago. all was gotten in her treatment.
and i worry about having cancer, because less than a year ago, my daughter mykal lost her most bestest friend to breast cancer, after a 6 year fight.
so you see why it is always at the front of my mind, though i try my hardest to push it to the back, where the worrying would not be taking place. at least not so much to bother me with?
my breast hurts. i have always had aches and pains in both my breasts, but they seem more so this week. i know it is only because the area was found. the left breast feels much heavier than the right one, but i know it is not due to the calcifications. i believe it is only worry.
near 20 years ago, i had another scare with the same breast. the doctor ordered a MRI because the mammogram showed a large area that was not normal, but not calcifications or some type of lump. it came back normal.
i cried for weeks waiting for the test and for the results. i was afraid then.
i am still wondering if i am afraid now, or just mad at the inconveinence it will cause me? the biggest part is the financial status. how much will the insurance cover if i do have cancer? i did not take out the supplementary insurance. i don't even remember if the new system offered it this year.
it pisses me off that if i do have cancer, i will probably not be able to work alot of the time. will my disability insurance be enough for me to live on?
i am not one to sit back and let someone else take care of me. i am not going to be an invalid.
i am thinking ahead too much. that pisses me off too, but i am not good at waiting. i am one for making plans, even if they are plans that i must change.
this really sucks.
huggsss
Saturday, April 30, 2011
i might be afraid
i have come here to blog today because very few people have the link to this blog, or even know about it, and i just feel the need to blog without everyone i know reading it. especially my family. they don't need to know how i feel....yet.
truthfully, i don't know how i feel.
about a week ago, i went to have my wonderful mammogram done. i was not going to do it, but my nipple has been unusually sore, so i decided to go ahead and do the boob squish thing. now i wonder, was it a good thing or not? of course, everyone will say it was a good thing, because that is what a woman is supposed to do.
it was discovered that i have minicalcifications.
now, this does not have to mean anything really, because minicalcifications are rarely cancer, but......
yes, there is a but. but my minicalcifications are in a cluster, and that is usually a sign of cancer.
now there is my "how i feel" part. am i scared? i don't think so, but again, i don't know. how do you feel when you are afraid you might have breast cancer? how do you feel when you are faking you are strong, but you are really scared?
yesterday, i went for what they call a stereotactic biopsy. that is where they make you lay face down on the table, and your boob hangs through a hole. they do another mammogram to find the cluster, and then they numb your breast, sticking a needle into this cluster and sucking up some of the microcalcifications. my problem, the area they want to get to is next to the chest wall, and they were not able to get a good enough view to do this biopsy.
so, after squishing my boob, and resquishing my boob, the radiologist tells me i am now going to have to go have a lumpectomy.
great.
all this hurry up and wait.
i will have a consultation next wednesday. then it is only to tell me if the surgeon is willing to do the lumpectomy, and give me a date for it, but we will have to get a precertification from the insurance company!
this so sucks.
i hate the waiting. just cut it open, look at it and tell me if i have cancer or not!! please!
i am not patient enough to wait through all of this. make an appointment, then make another appointment. see one doctor, then the other.
they do say that nurses make horrible patients. and that is me. i do not want to be a patient, ever.
so now i must go on wondering if i am afraid, or if i feel it is just another stone to stumble over in life. let's get on with it. i truly think i am afraid, but i think telling myself that i am not afraid is almost believable.
hugggggggssssssss
truthfully, i don't know how i feel.
about a week ago, i went to have my wonderful mammogram done. i was not going to do it, but my nipple has been unusually sore, so i decided to go ahead and do the boob squish thing. now i wonder, was it a good thing or not? of course, everyone will say it was a good thing, because that is what a woman is supposed to do.
it was discovered that i have minicalcifications.
now, this does not have to mean anything really, because minicalcifications are rarely cancer, but......
yes, there is a but. but my minicalcifications are in a cluster, and that is usually a sign of cancer.
now there is my "how i feel" part. am i scared? i don't think so, but again, i don't know. how do you feel when you are afraid you might have breast cancer? how do you feel when you are faking you are strong, but you are really scared?
yesterday, i went for what they call a stereotactic biopsy. that is where they make you lay face down on the table, and your boob hangs through a hole. they do another mammogram to find the cluster, and then they numb your breast, sticking a needle into this cluster and sucking up some of the microcalcifications. my problem, the area they want to get to is next to the chest wall, and they were not able to get a good enough view to do this biopsy.
so, after squishing my boob, and resquishing my boob, the radiologist tells me i am now going to have to go have a lumpectomy.
great.
all this hurry up and wait.
i will have a consultation next wednesday. then it is only to tell me if the surgeon is willing to do the lumpectomy, and give me a date for it, but we will have to get a precertification from the insurance company!
this so sucks.
i hate the waiting. just cut it open, look at it and tell me if i have cancer or not!! please!
i am not patient enough to wait through all of this. make an appointment, then make another appointment. see one doctor, then the other.
they do say that nurses make horrible patients. and that is me. i do not want to be a patient, ever.
so now i must go on wondering if i am afraid, or if i feel it is just another stone to stumble over in life. let's get on with it. i truly think i am afraid, but i think telling myself that i am not afraid is almost believable.
hugggggggssssssss
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Spirits of the Clinic
Shadows walk about the halls of the building where I work. It once was a hospital for the veterans of our military. Now it is only a clinic, but the spirits remain on the premises.
I feel their presence. They walk around me and through me. They touch my shoulder as I stand in the hall and speak with other veterans. I do not know if anyone else can see or feel them. Dark shadows pass me by. None of them seem to be angry or upset. They are just solemn. Shuffling through out the building, from one place to another.
Is there meaning that one shadow is darker than the other? That some of the shadows are barely visible unless I am looking for them?
Though I have walked with the spirits before, this is really the first time that I have actually seen shadows. I sense that they are all men. I have not felt the spirit of a woman here yet. They are all thin gentlemen. Some walking quickly past me, while others just shuffle by. They are of different heights, maybe some of them being in wheel chairs as they are not tall at all.
Yes, I know that these men are soldiers who have fought in wars, and came back wounded. Sailors and airmen who had families waiting for them to heal and come home. Did any of these spirits return home? Did they leave here to only return to pass, or did they pass before they had the chance to spend time in their own beds, beside their wives. Were they ever able to sit on their porches, in their yards, and watch their children play?
The spirit who is the darkest shadow, appears near the front entrance almost daily. He comes behind my left shoulder, and I can feel him there. He is taller than I am. He appears to have on a sweat shirt jacket, with the hood up over his head, hands in his pockets and head hanging down.
Is he in deep thought? Or is he depressed? Is he in pain or even anxious about something?
He is with me for about three foot of this hall, and then he is gone. If I am standing in this area, he stands behind my left shoulder. It is always on my left.
I do not know the history of this building. Above the front entrance, it says 1949 (i think, it could be 45), but the building was erected before that I am told.
Well, nothing interesting to write of my spirits, only in that they are there.
huggsss
I feel their presence. They walk around me and through me. They touch my shoulder as I stand in the hall and speak with other veterans. I do not know if anyone else can see or feel them. Dark shadows pass me by. None of them seem to be angry or upset. They are just solemn. Shuffling through out the building, from one place to another.
Is there meaning that one shadow is darker than the other? That some of the shadows are barely visible unless I am looking for them?
Though I have walked with the spirits before, this is really the first time that I have actually seen shadows. I sense that they are all men. I have not felt the spirit of a woman here yet. They are all thin gentlemen. Some walking quickly past me, while others just shuffle by. They are of different heights, maybe some of them being in wheel chairs as they are not tall at all.
Yes, I know that these men are soldiers who have fought in wars, and came back wounded. Sailors and airmen who had families waiting for them to heal and come home. Did any of these spirits return home? Did they leave here to only return to pass, or did they pass before they had the chance to spend time in their own beds, beside their wives. Were they ever able to sit on their porches, in their yards, and watch their children play?
The spirit who is the darkest shadow, appears near the front entrance almost daily. He comes behind my left shoulder, and I can feel him there. He is taller than I am. He appears to have on a sweat shirt jacket, with the hood up over his head, hands in his pockets and head hanging down.
Is he in deep thought? Or is he depressed? Is he in pain or even anxious about something?
He is with me for about three foot of this hall, and then he is gone. If I am standing in this area, he stands behind my left shoulder. It is always on my left.
I do not know the history of this building. Above the front entrance, it says 1949 (i think, it could be 45), but the building was erected before that I am told.
Well, nothing interesting to write of my spirits, only in that they are there.
huggsss
Monday, November 2, 2009
friends
when you least expect it, people in your life pop up unexpectedly. i don't mean physically, i just mean they are "there" with you. most of my friends collect things. something different. my sister in law collects pigs, and at the flea market, i saw the ugliest pig. i didn't take a photo, but i wish i had. my son in law collects tigers and a girlfriend collects lions and chases clouds. music boxes, angels, sunflowers. myself, i collect turtles.
the above photo is of items collected by another friend of mine. jean, these were only the first miss kitty's that popped up sunday at the flea market. seems every corner i turned, there you were!! did you have as much fun as i did?
huggsssss
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
the Beauty of God
i do believe that this has to be one of the most awesomest sights in the whole world. i cannot get enough of it. if it were up to me, i would spend the remaining days of my life, looking at the ocean. walking along the shoreline, collecting seashells. 
the blueness of the sky above the green-grays of the water. the whiteness of the waves as they roll up towards the browns and blacks of the sand. 
as i stand on the sand, the water rushes up over my feet. it is icy cold. the water recedes and i turn to walk up the beach when a wave rolls from the ocean, splashing water up my legs, soaking the bottoms of my cropped jeans. 
my footprints follow me from the waters
can there be anything more peaceful or enjoyable than this?Friday, October 16, 2009
home away from home
in livermore, my home is a hotel room. in it i have a bed of course. a not so comfortable queen size bed. beside it sits an also not so comfortable lounge chair with a large foot stool in front of it. a bedside table where i placed my cpap machine. it helps me to breathe at night. i sleep on the right side of the bed.
a desk is to the left of the bed. my computer sits on top, with a lamp beside the monitor. a straight back chair is what i sit on as i type. i think i will have hemorrhoids before i leave here. i know, too much information there.
behind me, on the other wall is an open closet where my clothes are hanging, and empty boxes on the above shelf. a low dresser with the television on it. like all hotels. beside this dresser sits the clothes hamper that my youngest daughter bought for me when i went on my first travel nurse position. it is tubular steel with a brown "sack" hanging from them. three sections to sort laundry. it has come in handy.
a square table, which i am sure is for eating at, and another straight backed chair. miscellaneous items sit upon this table. they have no where to be put away, so there they sit.
surprisingly, in the kitchen, i have a full sized refrigerator. two electric burners. i hate electric burners. one itty bitty square sink that nothing fits in. not enough cabinets or counter top space. they supplied a toaster and a tiny coffee maker, but i placed that under the sink, as i drink tea, so i brought my own tea pot, which is actually a coffee maker. all the items they supplied in the kitchen are under the sink, except the toaster. i didn't carry mine clear across the united states to keep in boxes. besides, i have full sets, nicer pans. and i would rather use my pans that i am familiar with if i have to use electricity to cook. there is no oven so i cannot bake, but there is a microwave. not the same.
a nice size bathroom with alot of space under the sink which was nice so i could store my empty boxes. i will need them to pack things back into when i return home.
home. yes, i miss it. probably more so as i have not been to work yet. they had things they needed to get straightened out before they would let me start working. now things are straight and i will start work in the morning.
when i am not working on the computer, the screen saver comes on, with pictures of my grandkids looking out at me. most of them are happy, laughing children, but i have no shame and i will snap a picture of a child who is crying too. when i look at the pictures, i think of what we were doing when they were taken, and how sweet they look. they are not sweet children though. most times they are mean to each other and fight. disrespectful to adults. something that is normal in this world today. my not so perfect grandchildren that they are, i miss them.
time for bed. should not stay up too late when i am in a melancholy mood. makes me miss them more.
a desk is to the left of the bed. my computer sits on top, with a lamp beside the monitor. a straight back chair is what i sit on as i type. i think i will have hemorrhoids before i leave here. i know, too much information there.
behind me, on the other wall is an open closet where my clothes are hanging, and empty boxes on the above shelf. a low dresser with the television on it. like all hotels. beside this dresser sits the clothes hamper that my youngest daughter bought for me when i went on my first travel nurse position. it is tubular steel with a brown "sack" hanging from them. three sections to sort laundry. it has come in handy.
a square table, which i am sure is for eating at, and another straight backed chair. miscellaneous items sit upon this table. they have no where to be put away, so there they sit.
surprisingly, in the kitchen, i have a full sized refrigerator. two electric burners. i hate electric burners. one itty bitty square sink that nothing fits in. not enough cabinets or counter top space. they supplied a toaster and a tiny coffee maker, but i placed that under the sink, as i drink tea, so i brought my own tea pot, which is actually a coffee maker. all the items they supplied in the kitchen are under the sink, except the toaster. i didn't carry mine clear across the united states to keep in boxes. besides, i have full sets, nicer pans. and i would rather use my pans that i am familiar with if i have to use electricity to cook. there is no oven so i cannot bake, but there is a microwave. not the same.
a nice size bathroom with alot of space under the sink which was nice so i could store my empty boxes. i will need them to pack things back into when i return home.
home. yes, i miss it. probably more so as i have not been to work yet. they had things they needed to get straightened out before they would let me start working. now things are straight and i will start work in the morning.
when i am not working on the computer, the screen saver comes on, with pictures of my grandkids looking out at me. most of them are happy, laughing children, but i have no shame and i will snap a picture of a child who is crying too. when i look at the pictures, i think of what we were doing when they were taken, and how sweet they look. they are not sweet children though. most times they are mean to each other and fight. disrespectful to adults. something that is normal in this world today. my not so perfect grandchildren that they are, i miss them.
time for bed. should not stay up too late when i am in a melancholy mood. makes me miss them more.
Monday, October 12, 2009
life in livermore
God has certainly blessed me. He gave me a daughter who has so many great friends, and because of this, i am sitting in livermore Ca, safe and sound.
i should probably tell myself that this travel nursing was not really a good idea, but i do not believe that myself, so i cannot lie to you. i am glad that i am doing this, i only regret that it was so difficult for me to get to where i was, and other people had to worry so about me because of it.
as you all know, i had difficulty getting across the mountains.
after i had left apple valley, the mountain pass i ended up in was just too much. i had pulled off the road at an exit that actually was in the middle of nowhere. now, i am sure that this exit led to someplace, but to go anywhere with it, i would have had to drive down the mountainside, or up the mountainside.
i was so frustrated with myself and my fear. i am a self analyzer, trying to decipher in myself where this fear accumulated. how it put itself into my mind causing me such grief. of course, that is something i will most likely never know. my armymom friend, micki, was there with me. she had been driving her car in front of me, leading me to highway I-5 so that i might continue my journey on up to northern california. of course, she did not know what to do. she was calling our armymom friend JJ, whom we had just left not 15 minutes earlier. i do not know what their conversation was, only it was about me.
i was so lost. so distraught. i kept looking upward towards the highway i had just left. watching the traffic speed by. farther down the road, i could see the overpass i would have to cross. nothing but air on either side of it. like a bridge. bridges also give me problems, but i have made an agreement with them. i promise not to stay on them if they let me cross. it really does not decrease my fear, but it gets me across them.
i needed to call someone to help, but who could help me when all my family were two thousand miles away? who could i call and not cause them great worry? number two and send. Mykal, my oldest daughter. i really did not think that she could help me, and i was not sure i wanted her to know how distraught i was, because it would cause her distress. i did not want her to worry for me, but i needed someone familiar. that is the only reason i can say that i made that call.
Mykal has been alot of places and made alot of friends. she is outgoing and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. she was in the army for, oh, let's say 11 years, but i can never remember the correct time, as it seemed like she was gone forever anyways. Mykal works for 911 also, and she happened to be at work when she received my call.
she took immediate charge of the situation. less than a month ago, one of the girls that she had shared her room with, had moved to california. i had met vicki when i traveled to louisiana and mykal visited me there. vicki lived in mississippi. her home state (after england that is). she was in biloxi when hurricane katrina went through. vicki now lived about an hour from where i was stranded. she and her room mate would be there to pick me up as quick as they could find me.
in my wallet, i had some xanax pills one of my friends gave me when my prescription ran out. i had took half of one the day before, and at this time, i took the one and a half that was left.
both mykal and vicki kept contact with me by cell phone. micki talked with the strange trucker who pulled up while i was on the phone. after he left, a young man and his family pulled into our parking area. he had three children, ages 5, 3 and 18 months. he had pulled off because when the littlest one becomes upset while riding in the vehicle, she becomes sick and vomits if they don't pull over and let her out for a short bit. it turned out that he had used to be a marine. i entertained the children with beanie babies. i gave them their choice of my small collection. the mama was pregnant with a boy she said, and i had a beanie that said "it's a boy", so i gave that to her. i even had a gift for the guy, lol. one of the books of poetry that i had written for the military moms. he seemed pleased to get it, and not too concerned about this crazy lady he had found. i did explain to him what my predicament was, and his wife offered me chips and water which i refused as i already had those in my van.
inside myself, through all my pain, fear, grief...i was laughing at myself, because i knew how funny this predicament must look. not that anyone actually thought that i was "crazy", but i know i was babbling about, saying things that made no sense, but i was able to make it through the wait, standing in the middle of what i was afraid of.
then the black truck came down the hill. with my heroes. vicki and nina had arrived. saved the marine and his kids from me, lol. they saved me. i wrapped my chubby self around this tall skinny woman, hugging her tight enough i know she couldn't breathe. but she took me home with her anyway. she and nina took great care of me. they fed me and tucked me into bed after time at the beach. then they took their whole sunday to bring me to livermore. vicki put me into the truck and let nina drive it first, while vicki drove the van. poor nina was the one who had me through the worst part of the mountains going north from santa monica. i did not scream or cry though. i closed my eyes tight, held my hand over my face, and clenched my other hand into a fist. if nina spoke to me, i tried to talk back to her.
vicki had me through the "flat" lands where the orchards were or should have been. fields of cotton. dead citrus trees and some beautiful citrus trees that were ready to harvest. mountains surrounded us still, but there was plenty of land on either side of the road. the mountains were covered with yellowish brown grass. when we saw cows on the mountainsides, we both wondered how they kept from toppling downhill. vicki tells me, "that gives a new side to cow tipping". lolol. i was able to take some pictures. relief washed over me as we neared livermore. then, just outside the city, we hit mountain roads. nothing to either side. my chest tightened, my hands clenched and my eyes closed tightly. there were the windmills on the mountain tops. through my fear, i was able to take some photographs of them for my albums.
off the highway, turn to another road, and up the parkway of the hotel. vehicles turned off. i did not have the energy to dance, but my heart did flipflops because my feet were now planted safely on the ground. vicki refused to let me gas up her vehicle for her trip home. they refused to let me take them to dinner. they took a potty stop, allowed a couple pictures and went on their way for their 6 hour drive back home.
the young lady who had met me once before, took care of me because she was my daughters friend.
the van is now unloaded of my belongings. some things are put away, some things will be put away tomorrow. i was able to leave the hotel, and with directions of the desk clerk, find a grocery store to purchase some needed things. found the In and Out hamburger stand, which vicki said had the best burgers, and had my mouth watering for them all day. now i am back "home" writing this blog.
life in livermore has not been yet, but tomorrow i will make an attempt to venture out again. i have two days before i report to work at the VA clinic. as long as i do not have to drive on any mountain roads, life in livermore will be good.
i should probably tell myself that this travel nursing was not really a good idea, but i do not believe that myself, so i cannot lie to you. i am glad that i am doing this, i only regret that it was so difficult for me to get to where i was, and other people had to worry so about me because of it.
as you all know, i had difficulty getting across the mountains.
after i had left apple valley, the mountain pass i ended up in was just too much. i had pulled off the road at an exit that actually was in the middle of nowhere. now, i am sure that this exit led to someplace, but to go anywhere with it, i would have had to drive down the mountainside, or up the mountainside.
i was so frustrated with myself and my fear. i am a self analyzer, trying to decipher in myself where this fear accumulated. how it put itself into my mind causing me such grief. of course, that is something i will most likely never know. my armymom friend, micki, was there with me. she had been driving her car in front of me, leading me to highway I-5 so that i might continue my journey on up to northern california. of course, she did not know what to do. she was calling our armymom friend JJ, whom we had just left not 15 minutes earlier. i do not know what their conversation was, only it was about me.
i was so lost. so distraught. i kept looking upward towards the highway i had just left. watching the traffic speed by. farther down the road, i could see the overpass i would have to cross. nothing but air on either side of it. like a bridge. bridges also give me problems, but i have made an agreement with them. i promise not to stay on them if they let me cross. it really does not decrease my fear, but it gets me across them.
i needed to call someone to help, but who could help me when all my family were two thousand miles away? who could i call and not cause them great worry? number two and send. Mykal, my oldest daughter. i really did not think that she could help me, and i was not sure i wanted her to know how distraught i was, because it would cause her distress. i did not want her to worry for me, but i needed someone familiar. that is the only reason i can say that i made that call.
Mykal has been alot of places and made alot of friends. she is outgoing and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. she was in the army for, oh, let's say 11 years, but i can never remember the correct time, as it seemed like she was gone forever anyways. Mykal works for 911 also, and she happened to be at work when she received my call.
she took immediate charge of the situation. less than a month ago, one of the girls that she had shared her room with, had moved to california. i had met vicki when i traveled to louisiana and mykal visited me there. vicki lived in mississippi. her home state (after england that is). she was in biloxi when hurricane katrina went through. vicki now lived about an hour from where i was stranded. she and her room mate would be there to pick me up as quick as they could find me.
in my wallet, i had some xanax pills one of my friends gave me when my prescription ran out. i had took half of one the day before, and at this time, i took the one and a half that was left.
both mykal and vicki kept contact with me by cell phone. micki talked with the strange trucker who pulled up while i was on the phone. after he left, a young man and his family pulled into our parking area. he had three children, ages 5, 3 and 18 months. he had pulled off because when the littlest one becomes upset while riding in the vehicle, she becomes sick and vomits if they don't pull over and let her out for a short bit. it turned out that he had used to be a marine. i entertained the children with beanie babies. i gave them their choice of my small collection. the mama was pregnant with a boy she said, and i had a beanie that said "it's a boy", so i gave that to her. i even had a gift for the guy, lol. one of the books of poetry that i had written for the military moms. he seemed pleased to get it, and not too concerned about this crazy lady he had found. i did explain to him what my predicament was, and his wife offered me chips and water which i refused as i already had those in my van.
inside myself, through all my pain, fear, grief...i was laughing at myself, because i knew how funny this predicament must look. not that anyone actually thought that i was "crazy", but i know i was babbling about, saying things that made no sense, but i was able to make it through the wait, standing in the middle of what i was afraid of.
then the black truck came down the hill. with my heroes. vicki and nina had arrived. saved the marine and his kids from me, lol. they saved me. i wrapped my chubby self around this tall skinny woman, hugging her tight enough i know she couldn't breathe. but she took me home with her anyway. she and nina took great care of me. they fed me and tucked me into bed after time at the beach. then they took their whole sunday to bring me to livermore. vicki put me into the truck and let nina drive it first, while vicki drove the van. poor nina was the one who had me through the worst part of the mountains going north from santa monica. i did not scream or cry though. i closed my eyes tight, held my hand over my face, and clenched my other hand into a fist. if nina spoke to me, i tried to talk back to her.
vicki had me through the "flat" lands where the orchards were or should have been. fields of cotton. dead citrus trees and some beautiful citrus trees that were ready to harvest. mountains surrounded us still, but there was plenty of land on either side of the road. the mountains were covered with yellowish brown grass. when we saw cows on the mountainsides, we both wondered how they kept from toppling downhill. vicki tells me, "that gives a new side to cow tipping". lolol. i was able to take some pictures. relief washed over me as we neared livermore. then, just outside the city, we hit mountain roads. nothing to either side. my chest tightened, my hands clenched and my eyes closed tightly. there were the windmills on the mountain tops. through my fear, i was able to take some photographs of them for my albums.
off the highway, turn to another road, and up the parkway of the hotel. vehicles turned off. i did not have the energy to dance, but my heart did flipflops because my feet were now planted safely on the ground. vicki refused to let me gas up her vehicle for her trip home. they refused to let me take them to dinner. they took a potty stop, allowed a couple pictures and went on their way for their 6 hour drive back home.
the young lady who had met me once before, took care of me because she was my daughters friend.
the van is now unloaded of my belongings. some things are put away, some things will be put away tomorrow. i was able to leave the hotel, and with directions of the desk clerk, find a grocery store to purchase some needed things. found the In and Out hamburger stand, which vicki said had the best burgers, and had my mouth watering for them all day. now i am back "home" writing this blog.
life in livermore has not been yet, but tomorrow i will make an attempt to venture out again. i have two days before i report to work at the VA clinic. as long as i do not have to drive on any mountain roads, life in livermore will be good.
fear
everyone has their fear. i found mine.
it is not something i would wish on anyone. finding their fear. it is the most horrible feeling you can find in yourself. it is deep in your soul and it takes over your whole body. you have no control of how your body reacts to it.
all my life, i never realized that fear could and does actually take over you like this. you hear stories about how fear paralyzes people. how someone was frightened to death, and you don't really believe this is possible. for you, i pray that you can always feel this way and never find out that it is true.
fear hurts.
deep in side you. it hurts every muscle and bone in your body. you cannot see. you may not even be able to talk.
many years ago, i had made fun of a gentleman because he was afraind of needles. hypodermic needles. i had to give him a shot, and i had to talk him through it so that i would be able to give him his needed injection. the next day i had to drive across the 18 mile bridge between lafayette and new orleans louisiana. i thought i had found my fear. my chest got tight and my arms tensed up. i had difficulty breathing. it was not good.
the next day when i returned to look, this man was my patient again, and i apologized profusely for laughing at his fear.
up until two days ago, i believed this was my deep fear. i did not believe that anything can scare me any worse than that. now i find that the fear i felt that day was nothing.
you are wondering when i will tell you what my fear is. to sit here and only think of it brings my fear out.
my fear is mountains. not mountains in themselves, but driving in them.
several years ago, i had driven in mountains across northern united states. my daughter sarah and i had piled kids and dogs in the car and drove from illinois to anacortes washington. stopping in south dakota to see the presidents, across wyoming, visiting a friend in montana, idaho and oregon. we did have some difficulty, but it did not seem really bad.
tuesday i began my trip across the lower states, well, up to omaha, then down to tulsa and the journey across began. i made it all the way to mid arizona before i began to realize how afraid i was.
it could be that due to arriving in new mexico in the dark, hiding the actual roads i was driving on, was actually a benefit to me, and early morning as i drove across arizona, the mountains lured in front of me. the beautiful beasts i was taking in, thinking how lucky i was to be able to view them. then, i went down hill. the roads were steep and winding. large semis passing by me, my van slightly rocking. the fear began. it was sometime thursday morning. i told myself that this was no different than the trip i took to washington, only i was by myself this time. i believed the down road trip would level out soon and i would be driving on level ground, with land on either side of the road.
little did i know that it would be a long spell before this happened.
i would go down the mountain, nothing to my left, and i would take the van to the inside right of the road. then, nothing to the right. straight drops of nothining ness. and i would coast over to the left side of the road. at first, i was able to keep my mind straight by driving slower than the other drivers, not letting it bother me that they had to pass me. i kept thinking that this would end soon. for some reason, i was under the belief that arizona was fairly flat. i thought the mountains would end, and i would have "normal" roads to drive on. then i thought when i got to california, it would end. i was so wrong with both.
my fear grew with each new mile i put behind me. i tried listening to the radio, but the noise would just get on my nerves and add to the agitation of the non ending mountain roads. it was now full daylight, getting later in the day. when i felt the fear build up, i would pull into a gas station (when available) or a rest area.
breathe, relax, pray. tell myself it would not be much longer. everytime i got low in the mountain, or at least what i thought was low, i would start going uphill again and the fear would build because i knew i would have to drive down hill again.
my fingers clenched the steering wheel. after hours of this, my left hand and up to my elbow had gone numb. deep breathe, blow out.
tears ran down my face and dripped off my chin. i could not wipe them off because i could not let go of the steering wheel. each time i pulled over to compose myself, it was harder to get back into the drivers seat.
as i neared my destination, my trip became longer because my speed became slower. when i got to california, i entered the investigation station. i felt relieved because i thought i had been through it all. i was done with the mountains. i asked the attendant if there were any further mountain roads, and he assured me that there were, but they were not that bad. and i drove off feeling somewhat relaxed at the idea that i would have fairly flat land to drive across. no more deep ravines surrounding me. no more drop offs on the side of the road.
until i found out it was even worse. there was no safety rails on this road to protect one from going over the sides. the ravines had become craters, becoming canyons. steep inclines and declines continued. my nerves could not take it. my arms hurt, my head hurt. my ears so full of pressure i thought they would never be normal again. my speed was 30 to 50 miles per hour depending on whatever i was seeing in front of me. my opportunities to pull over were few and far between. when i was able to pull into a rest area or small mountain town, i was wracked with sobs. my breaths were shallow and i would choke to be able to breathe. i would hide my face in my hands and weep.
then i would get in the van and repeat my torture.
i began telling my self i could do it. i would repeat it. over and over again. i would tell myself, "it's just a road, you can do it, it's just a road." beautiful mountains would rise in front of me, and i would cry harder. i would say, "such a beautiful thing and i cannot even enjoy it. i can't stop and take a picture of this." tears continuously flowing from my eyes, down my cheeks and off my chin. then i remembered thinking the last time i cried like this was when i sat at the computer and wrote my poems, and i thought it was funny that i remembered that.
i asked God to please let it end. i told Him, "i can't promise you anything, because you know i would probably not keep my word, so i don't want to promise you anything, but i am going to ask you to please let the road be straight. let be flat and straight. let the mountains end."
i called my friends in california. they were expecting me at a certain time. i told them how afraid i was, but they could not understand the seriousness of it, due to they could not see my reactions. i tried not to be angry because they were laughing, because i knew they did not mean to laugh "at" me.
the more afraid i would become of these roads in the mountain, the more foolish i felt with myself. the closer i got, i would try to make myself drive a bit faster, but everytime i would feel a bit more comfortable with the speed, and begin to loosen my grip on the steering wheel, another drop off would pop up out of now where. then the pavement of the road became uneven due to new construction. at one point, i was driving 15 to 25 miles per hour.
"look straight ahead. don't look to the side. it is only a road, it is only a road." and the it would decline again. i would get my bearings, then i was looking out into no where. down a mountain side.
i had to be slightly proud of myself, because i never froze up. i kept pushing myself and made it to my destination.
my friends then saw the toll this drive had taken on me. we were able to laugh it off, because even in my mind, the reactions i had during this drive made me laugh as i told the story. our visit was great, and i slept the like a baby.
life was good again, until it was time to leave. the "girls" had tried to find me a route with no mountains, and thought they had succeeded. even though, i began to weep as i had to get into the van, but i got in, started it up, and left the hotel following my friend because she was going to lead me to the highway that would take me to my freedom of no mountains.
the drive started up fine. four lanes of traffic i can handle. freeways, i can handle. crazy drivers, not a problem at all. the going was good. then it happened. the side of the road dropped away. we were on a mountain. i was in the center lane. my hands clenched the wheel. my breaths were difficult to attain. "it's only a road, it's only a road. look straight ahead."
i could not shake it. i could not do it. i do not know if my friend called me, or if i called her, but i told her i had to get off the road. she said i can't. i said yes i can. she said, no you can't. there is no where to get off. she tried to talk me through it, she tried to make me believe the mountains would end. cars were speeding past me on either side of me, honking and hollering at me, but i looked ahead and told them to keep going. weeping. shaking. feeling myself beginning to freeze. my body becoming stiff. i was paralyzing with fear, and i knew it was happening. i could do nothing about it. the road dropped off at both sides. blank air out there. no dirt, no grass, no nothing. i will never know how i got over that stretch. in my mind it lasted miles and miles, but i know it could have been no longer than half a mile. i told her, get me off here. soon she told me she had an exit, and exited i did. it was a nowhere place. no houses, no stores, no gas station. only a little area that was flat, that looked out over the valley. i could see the road i would have had to drive on. it was a bridge, out of nowhere. i looked up at the road i had come off of. semi trucks rushing by. cars, rv campers and motorcycles. people speeding by as if nothing was wrong, and really there wasn't. not in their lives. but in mine there was. something horridly, horridly frightening. and i could not over come it.
i parked the van and shut it off. i sobbed and breathed and sobbed some more.
my friend told me i had to get back on that road. i told her i could not. it was horrifying at the thought that i had to do it. there was a road to nowhere going down from where i was parked, but it was on a mountain side. there was a rode going upward, under the highway i had just left, but it was a mountain road. i could do nothing.
i sobbed because i needed to drive up north for my employment position, and i could not do it. i sobbed because to go back home, i would have to return through three states of mountains, and i know i will not be able to do it. i sobbed because i felt like such a fool because my fear was so deep, so great, i had a second where my life was at risk because i felt the paralyzing sensation taking over my whole self, and in that second, i knew i would have died if i did not get off that highway.
it is great to know people like my friends, and my daughters friends. as i write this, i am sitting in the apartment of a young woman who was in the service with my oldest daughter, tomorrow, she and her friend will take me on the rest of my journey, because i cannot do it.
if you read this, i beg of you, never, never laugh at the fears of other people, no matter how menial they may seem to you. no matter how small it is to you, it is not small to them, and they cannot push it aside. it will not allow itself to happen.
it is not something i would wish on anyone. finding their fear. it is the most horrible feeling you can find in yourself. it is deep in your soul and it takes over your whole body. you have no control of how your body reacts to it.
all my life, i never realized that fear could and does actually take over you like this. you hear stories about how fear paralyzes people. how someone was frightened to death, and you don't really believe this is possible. for you, i pray that you can always feel this way and never find out that it is true.
fear hurts.
deep in side you. it hurts every muscle and bone in your body. you cannot see. you may not even be able to talk.
many years ago, i had made fun of a gentleman because he was afraind of needles. hypodermic needles. i had to give him a shot, and i had to talk him through it so that i would be able to give him his needed injection. the next day i had to drive across the 18 mile bridge between lafayette and new orleans louisiana. i thought i had found my fear. my chest got tight and my arms tensed up. i had difficulty breathing. it was not good.
the next day when i returned to look, this man was my patient again, and i apologized profusely for laughing at his fear.
up until two days ago, i believed this was my deep fear. i did not believe that anything can scare me any worse than that. now i find that the fear i felt that day was nothing.
you are wondering when i will tell you what my fear is. to sit here and only think of it brings my fear out.
my fear is mountains. not mountains in themselves, but driving in them.
several years ago, i had driven in mountains across northern united states. my daughter sarah and i had piled kids and dogs in the car and drove from illinois to anacortes washington. stopping in south dakota to see the presidents, across wyoming, visiting a friend in montana, idaho and oregon. we did have some difficulty, but it did not seem really bad.
tuesday i began my trip across the lower states, well, up to omaha, then down to tulsa and the journey across began. i made it all the way to mid arizona before i began to realize how afraid i was.
it could be that due to arriving in new mexico in the dark, hiding the actual roads i was driving on, was actually a benefit to me, and early morning as i drove across arizona, the mountains lured in front of me. the beautiful beasts i was taking in, thinking how lucky i was to be able to view them. then, i went down hill. the roads were steep and winding. large semis passing by me, my van slightly rocking. the fear began. it was sometime thursday morning. i told myself that this was no different than the trip i took to washington, only i was by myself this time. i believed the down road trip would level out soon and i would be driving on level ground, with land on either side of the road.
little did i know that it would be a long spell before this happened.
i would go down the mountain, nothing to my left, and i would take the van to the inside right of the road. then, nothing to the right. straight drops of nothining ness. and i would coast over to the left side of the road. at first, i was able to keep my mind straight by driving slower than the other drivers, not letting it bother me that they had to pass me. i kept thinking that this would end soon. for some reason, i was under the belief that arizona was fairly flat. i thought the mountains would end, and i would have "normal" roads to drive on. then i thought when i got to california, it would end. i was so wrong with both.
my fear grew with each new mile i put behind me. i tried listening to the radio, but the noise would just get on my nerves and add to the agitation of the non ending mountain roads. it was now full daylight, getting later in the day. when i felt the fear build up, i would pull into a gas station (when available) or a rest area.
breathe, relax, pray. tell myself it would not be much longer. everytime i got low in the mountain, or at least what i thought was low, i would start going uphill again and the fear would build because i knew i would have to drive down hill again.
my fingers clenched the steering wheel. after hours of this, my left hand and up to my elbow had gone numb. deep breathe, blow out.
tears ran down my face and dripped off my chin. i could not wipe them off because i could not let go of the steering wheel. each time i pulled over to compose myself, it was harder to get back into the drivers seat.
as i neared my destination, my trip became longer because my speed became slower. when i got to california, i entered the investigation station. i felt relieved because i thought i had been through it all. i was done with the mountains. i asked the attendant if there were any further mountain roads, and he assured me that there were, but they were not that bad. and i drove off feeling somewhat relaxed at the idea that i would have fairly flat land to drive across. no more deep ravines surrounding me. no more drop offs on the side of the road.
until i found out it was even worse. there was no safety rails on this road to protect one from going over the sides. the ravines had become craters, becoming canyons. steep inclines and declines continued. my nerves could not take it. my arms hurt, my head hurt. my ears so full of pressure i thought they would never be normal again. my speed was 30 to 50 miles per hour depending on whatever i was seeing in front of me. my opportunities to pull over were few and far between. when i was able to pull into a rest area or small mountain town, i was wracked with sobs. my breaths were shallow and i would choke to be able to breathe. i would hide my face in my hands and weep.
then i would get in the van and repeat my torture.
i began telling my self i could do it. i would repeat it. over and over again. i would tell myself, "it's just a road, you can do it, it's just a road." beautiful mountains would rise in front of me, and i would cry harder. i would say, "such a beautiful thing and i cannot even enjoy it. i can't stop and take a picture of this." tears continuously flowing from my eyes, down my cheeks and off my chin. then i remembered thinking the last time i cried like this was when i sat at the computer and wrote my poems, and i thought it was funny that i remembered that.
i asked God to please let it end. i told Him, "i can't promise you anything, because you know i would probably not keep my word, so i don't want to promise you anything, but i am going to ask you to please let the road be straight. let be flat and straight. let the mountains end."
i called my friends in california. they were expecting me at a certain time. i told them how afraid i was, but they could not understand the seriousness of it, due to they could not see my reactions. i tried not to be angry because they were laughing, because i knew they did not mean to laugh "at" me.
the more afraid i would become of these roads in the mountain, the more foolish i felt with myself. the closer i got, i would try to make myself drive a bit faster, but everytime i would feel a bit more comfortable with the speed, and begin to loosen my grip on the steering wheel, another drop off would pop up out of now where. then the pavement of the road became uneven due to new construction. at one point, i was driving 15 to 25 miles per hour.
"look straight ahead. don't look to the side. it is only a road, it is only a road." and the it would decline again. i would get my bearings, then i was looking out into no where. down a mountain side.
i had to be slightly proud of myself, because i never froze up. i kept pushing myself and made it to my destination.
my friends then saw the toll this drive had taken on me. we were able to laugh it off, because even in my mind, the reactions i had during this drive made me laugh as i told the story. our visit was great, and i slept the like a baby.
life was good again, until it was time to leave. the "girls" had tried to find me a route with no mountains, and thought they had succeeded. even though, i began to weep as i had to get into the van, but i got in, started it up, and left the hotel following my friend because she was going to lead me to the highway that would take me to my freedom of no mountains.
the drive started up fine. four lanes of traffic i can handle. freeways, i can handle. crazy drivers, not a problem at all. the going was good. then it happened. the side of the road dropped away. we were on a mountain. i was in the center lane. my hands clenched the wheel. my breaths were difficult to attain. "it's only a road, it's only a road. look straight ahead."
i could not shake it. i could not do it. i do not know if my friend called me, or if i called her, but i told her i had to get off the road. she said i can't. i said yes i can. she said, no you can't. there is no where to get off. she tried to talk me through it, she tried to make me believe the mountains would end. cars were speeding past me on either side of me, honking and hollering at me, but i looked ahead and told them to keep going. weeping. shaking. feeling myself beginning to freeze. my body becoming stiff. i was paralyzing with fear, and i knew it was happening. i could do nothing about it. the road dropped off at both sides. blank air out there. no dirt, no grass, no nothing. i will never know how i got over that stretch. in my mind it lasted miles and miles, but i know it could have been no longer than half a mile. i told her, get me off here. soon she told me she had an exit, and exited i did. it was a nowhere place. no houses, no stores, no gas station. only a little area that was flat, that looked out over the valley. i could see the road i would have had to drive on. it was a bridge, out of nowhere. i looked up at the road i had come off of. semi trucks rushing by. cars, rv campers and motorcycles. people speeding by as if nothing was wrong, and really there wasn't. not in their lives. but in mine there was. something horridly, horridly frightening. and i could not over come it.
i parked the van and shut it off. i sobbed and breathed and sobbed some more.
my friend told me i had to get back on that road. i told her i could not. it was horrifying at the thought that i had to do it. there was a road to nowhere going down from where i was parked, but it was on a mountain side. there was a rode going upward, under the highway i had just left, but it was a mountain road. i could do nothing.
i sobbed because i needed to drive up north for my employment position, and i could not do it. i sobbed because to go back home, i would have to return through three states of mountains, and i know i will not be able to do it. i sobbed because i felt like such a fool because my fear was so deep, so great, i had a second where my life was at risk because i felt the paralyzing sensation taking over my whole self, and in that second, i knew i would have died if i did not get off that highway.
it is great to know people like my friends, and my daughters friends. as i write this, i am sitting in the apartment of a young woman who was in the service with my oldest daughter, tomorrow, she and her friend will take me on the rest of my journey, because i cannot do it.
if you read this, i beg of you, never, never laugh at the fears of other people, no matter how menial they may seem to you. no matter how small it is to you, it is not small to them, and they cannot push it aside. it will not allow itself to happen.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ask Me About God
this morning, the new neighbor came over to my house to speak with me. well, he is not actually the neighbor. he is a friend of the person who bought the house, and he is gutting the inside, doing repair work for the new owner.
the new owner is the reverend of the nazarene church down the road from me. (in pana, everything is down the road, or across town, lol) the fella is one of the reverend associate pastors from the church in the town "down the road".
a few days ago, i went over to introduce myself to this young man. just to be a polite new neighbor. that is when i found out they are fixing it up to rent out, but being a pastor, of course we got into God.
he asked me what church i attended. well, my church is not in a building. my church is where ever i am standing talking to people about God. you see, i believe in God, but i guess i don't believe in people.
today, he trotted on over to my home, and told me God has been speaking to his heart. now, i do believe this, because God speaks to me. loudly sometimes, but not usually through another person. He knows i won't listen unless it is from His mouth personally, lol.
this pastor used some words i didn't understand really. i cannot even write what they are because they were above my head and i can't even say them myself. now, he was not talking above me, or around me, he was talking to me. he just knows these words and because i know God, i guess i should know them them too.
ok, now, he told me, God was speaking to him to come over here TODAY. of course, i understand that, am leaving tomorrow. the pastor said, i didn't know why, but He said i had to do it today, so here i am.
now, y'all know i don't have that good of a memory, so i cannot tell you word for word what this fella said, but in general, what he was telling me is that maybe i am supposed to be in church not for myself, but for the others. for the hippocrites, and the falsities. the pastor could tell that i "know" God, and that those people needed me.
yes, i have to laugh. not at knowing God, but, i don't know the Bible. nope. not hardly a word of it. i don't even own a Bible. oh, i know about the birth of Jesus, and the ten commandments. stuff like that, but i could not tell you where to turn to, what chapter or verse, for strength to get through this crisis or that.
i can only tell you, turn to God. give Him your faith. trust Him to pull you through. God fills me with His love and takes me through my life. i am here not for God but because of God.
ok, i had to step back in here after reading the preview because that line before this. God told me that is not true. this is how it is; BECAUSE of God, i am here FOR God.
i was saved when i was 15 years old. back in a time when i attended church in a building. it was a southern baptist church. i loved listening to the pastor up front, preaching his heart out every sunday. actually, he scared me. i was a little girl, and this pastor preached so loud, he yelled. he did not need a microphone. his face would get red and he would sweat. he was exhausted at the end of the sermon. you could tell he put his heart and soul into his preaching.
then i moved.
i attended many different churches in the area i had moved to. their beliefs were not the same as mine. their practices were not the same as mine. their prayers were written on paper. i was swallowed up in hippocrites and other false people. maybe i am wrong, but i cannot be in that crowd. the churches were too full of them. my voice could not be heard and i was invisible there. so, you might say, i took it outside.
i do know that it is in the Bible, "church is where two or more people get together and talk about God".
there is my church. no special building. i carry my church with me.
if you would like to attend my church, come stand outside with me. ride in my van. talk to me in the hall of the hospital or from your bed. speak to me in the grocery store. my church is portable.
i feel a little guilt when i think of what this pastor said. that maybe i am supposed to be there for those people, not for myself, but i know when God wants me in one of those buildings, i will be there. i don't ignore God. maybe God is preparing me for this, that is why this fella came to talk to me today, but it is just not time yet for me to do that.
when God tells me what building to enter to hold my church, i will be there. don't ask me about what the Bible says, because i won't know the answer. ask me about God.
the new owner is the reverend of the nazarene church down the road from me. (in pana, everything is down the road, or across town, lol) the fella is one of the reverend associate pastors from the church in the town "down the road".
a few days ago, i went over to introduce myself to this young man. just to be a polite new neighbor. that is when i found out they are fixing it up to rent out, but being a pastor, of course we got into God.
he asked me what church i attended. well, my church is not in a building. my church is where ever i am standing talking to people about God. you see, i believe in God, but i guess i don't believe in people.
today, he trotted on over to my home, and told me God has been speaking to his heart. now, i do believe this, because God speaks to me. loudly sometimes, but not usually through another person. He knows i won't listen unless it is from His mouth personally, lol.
this pastor used some words i didn't understand really. i cannot even write what they are because they were above my head and i can't even say them myself. now, he was not talking above me, or around me, he was talking to me. he just knows these words and because i know God, i guess i should know them them too.
ok, now, he told me, God was speaking to him to come over here TODAY. of course, i understand that, am leaving tomorrow. the pastor said, i didn't know why, but He said i had to do it today, so here i am.
now, y'all know i don't have that good of a memory, so i cannot tell you word for word what this fella said, but in general, what he was telling me is that maybe i am supposed to be in church not for myself, but for the others. for the hippocrites, and the falsities. the pastor could tell that i "know" God, and that those people needed me.
yes, i have to laugh. not at knowing God, but, i don't know the Bible. nope. not hardly a word of it. i don't even own a Bible. oh, i know about the birth of Jesus, and the ten commandments. stuff like that, but i could not tell you where to turn to, what chapter or verse, for strength to get through this crisis or that.
i can only tell you, turn to God. give Him your faith. trust Him to pull you through. God fills me with His love and takes me through my life. i am here not for God but because of God.
ok, i had to step back in here after reading the preview because that line before this. God told me that is not true. this is how it is; BECAUSE of God, i am here FOR God.
i was saved when i was 15 years old. back in a time when i attended church in a building. it was a southern baptist church. i loved listening to the pastor up front, preaching his heart out every sunday. actually, he scared me. i was a little girl, and this pastor preached so loud, he yelled. he did not need a microphone. his face would get red and he would sweat. he was exhausted at the end of the sermon. you could tell he put his heart and soul into his preaching.
then i moved.
i attended many different churches in the area i had moved to. their beliefs were not the same as mine. their practices were not the same as mine. their prayers were written on paper. i was swallowed up in hippocrites and other false people. maybe i am wrong, but i cannot be in that crowd. the churches were too full of them. my voice could not be heard and i was invisible there. so, you might say, i took it outside.
i do know that it is in the Bible, "church is where two or more people get together and talk about God".
there is my church. no special building. i carry my church with me.
if you would like to attend my church, come stand outside with me. ride in my van. talk to me in the hall of the hospital or from your bed. speak to me in the grocery store. my church is portable.
i feel a little guilt when i think of what this pastor said. that maybe i am supposed to be there for those people, not for myself, but i know when God wants me in one of those buildings, i will be there. i don't ignore God. maybe God is preparing me for this, that is why this fella came to talk to me today, but it is just not time yet for me to do that.
when God tells me what building to enter to hold my church, i will be there. don't ask me about what the Bible says, because i won't know the answer. ask me about God.
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