a ghost lives in my house.
http://inmydreamsicanwrite.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-you-have-death-you-have-ghosts.html
well, two actually. i know i have mentioned them before, but i could not figure out who the one gentleman was, but now i think i know who he is. a friend of mine has come to live in the house while i go to california. of course i told her about my ghost friends, so she would not be afraid when one "showed" up. and her first night here, he did. she went to bed before i did, as she has had a rough few days, so was exhausted. i was sitting here at the trusty ol' computer, when i heard her yelling out, "tommie, tommie, help me!" i ran to check on her, and she was fast asleep, or so it seemed. when i turned on the light, she stirred a bit and told me she was having sleep paralysis, then she returned to sleep. about half an hour later, i hear her again. "tommie, help me! tommie!" so i run into her room again, and she tells me this time, "someone climbed into bed with me, and tickled my tummy. he crawled right across the foot of my bed and behind me, then tickled me! i know i sound crazy, but that is what happened!"truthfully, i thought maybe it was the meds she took to help her sleep, and the power of suggestion by my telling her of my ghosts, but today i realized something.my father has passed away too many years ago to count. when i do something new, he always shows up. he takes care of me, even after death. his sign that he is here is usually the plastic tips of those muriel cigars or canadian pennies. sometimes, but rarely, you can smell old spice after shave. he used to always give me canadian coins when i was a child and he smoked the cigars for years before his death, because the doctor told him to quit smoking cigarettes. i think that is why he chooses to leave those items behind, as i do remember him by them. when i was in florida a hundred years ago, my ex and the family were preparing to come back to illinois. we were packing the vehicles, walking all around them, tying ropes, etc. right next to a tree at the back end of the station wagon, were several cigar tips. when i moved into a house back in illinois, his ghost brushed me as he walked past. he checked every house i moved into after that. when mom passed, daddy actually showed himself to me. he was sitting on my sofa when i came from the bedroom. over the years, i have accepted that he will be there. he is my protector. now, why do i think this ghost that climbed into bed with my friend was daddy? well, daddy was a womanizer, and my friend looks like one of my dad's lady friends from the past. my ghost never went into my bedroom. or that of my daughter. my ghost has not been hanging around lately, and i think that is because i have been fairly well happy, so "daddy" would not need to be here. but now there is a change in my life, and my ghost is back. i texted my friend this morning and let her know of my discovery. i have mom and daddy's ashes in my living room. i called my daughter mykal and to let her know grampapoppy and grandma would be coming to live with her. i really don't think that is necessary, as daddy will go to california with me, but it will make my friend feel better.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Depressed?
Depression. Everyone has it at one time or another in their life. Everyone will not experience it in the same extent. Not everyone will realize it is happening or has happened to them.
Yes, I am depressed. No one knows that I am except for myself.
I know I am because I have been here before, and it is not a fun world to be in. It does not happen to me in the extent that I need medicated to come out of it, but I have to do things to bring myself out, or I will need medications. That is one of the factors that put me here. Not medications, well, maybe that is one too, but why I do not look into getting medications while I am in this state of life.
Money. It is due to the fact that I am so broke, I am depressed. It is due to the fact that every pay day, I have to decide what bills I am going to jostle around and pay this time. It is a fear to get behind in payments of these bills. The realization that when the bills are paid, there is no money left for food or medications. It starts out as stress, then you eventually get depressed. And you realize the government is taking over $600 a month from your pay checks for taxes. Those taxes are paying the salaries of those people who are making attempts to tax you more even. Though you cannot pay your bills because half your pay check already goes to taxes to pay these politicians who don't have to pay for their medical treatment, and you cannot even afford to go to the doctor or buy your medicines because you are already paying for theirs.
Politics. I do not understand them, and what I do understand, angers me greatly. Therefore, I try to avoid politics because I do not need that anger in my life, so I will not become more depressed because I am paying the politicians to take more of my money.
Health. Even though I really try to not be ill, it happens. Hypertension is a part of my life, so I need to take medication to lower my blood pressure. My medication costs me $50 a month. Hypothyroidism is a part of my life. Without my medication I cannot function on a day to day basis even. (and depression is a wonderful effect of hypothyroidism). At least I can get by with getting that for $4 a month. (thank-you wal mart). Edema is a part of my life. That is when you get that swelling in your feet. In this past year, mine has worsened, so an increase in the medication dosage has happened, at least not an increase in the cost. Again, thank you wal mart, cost is $4 a month.
Now those are only my PRESCRIBED medications. There are others that are called "over the counter medicines", that many people probably think i can live without, but there are reasons I have to take things, like Vitamin E and C and Fish Oil, Oat Bran Tabs and Prilosec. There are health issues, and these medications are needed to get me past them. These medications are needed for me to be able to get out of bed every morning and make it through the day.
There are days that I do not take my medications. Sometimes I actually forget, and sometimes I intentionally pass them by so that it makes them last longer. Yes, I occasionally skip a day of medications to avoid having to buy more sooner, but I know if I skip too many days of medications, it is a big mistake.
So now why would I want to add an anti-depressant to my already growing list of medications? It would only cost me money, and it probably would not come in generic so gracious wal mart could sell it to me for $4 a month. It would be like my blood pressure medicine, and cost me $50 or greater a month.
Family. Yes, my family depresses me at times. Doesn't yours? Some people have no family, so they are saying "at least you have a family". Even some people that have families are saying that. When I am not going down into my depression periods, I love my family dearly.
My oldest son is not my oldest child. He is the second one I gave birth too, but if we are going to discuss family who depresses me the most, he has to be at the top of the list. One day, he will read this and not understand what he has done, or say "I didn't know" or "I didn't mean to", but whatever. Tim is still at the top of the list. In my words, he forgot where he came from. But if you look at my family history, it repeats itself. My father did it, my brother did it, and now my son is doing it. So is my son to blame? Or is it just something in his genes and he had no control over it?
What I tried to do with my children, is to raise them to be close to each other. To give them all the love I could to keep them together as a family should be. Tim grew up, joined the Navy, got married and forgot where he came from. He has little or no contact with the family. Well, his father calls him and pesters him, but that is so he can talk to Joe the grandson.
authors' note :*If you read this before, you will take note a large portion of it is missing. Right from here. I changed my mind and felt it did not belong here. One day I will share it with Tim, maybe. One day the hurt just might not matter anymore either.*
Mykal does not want me to leave, and she does try to make my life easier except for the guilt trips she throws on me when I make plans for my travel nurse tours. It depresses me because I have to leave my grandchildren behind, but that is something I have to do because my depression for my general life will swallow me up, and even my little mans' smile will not be enough. Mykal has a very busy life, but she tries to include me in most of it to keep me happy. She tries to take away some of my financial problems by paying me to babysit my boys.
Sarah has life's problems. She has difficulty with depression at times, so I think she would understand, but she cannot see others down times, for all the things happening in her life. When she is depressed, no one has a more terrible life than she does. When she is "up" she does not want to see others "downs" for fear it will grab her foot and pull her back in. She speaks out in anger and hurts those who love her while she is having her down time, then she is in her up periods, and has difficulty trying to understand why people just can't be happy for her. Sounds bipolar almost, doesn't it?
Curtis is a problem. He has never been able to do anything with his life. His father enabled him to stay in his psychological prison. There are times when I see Curtis peeking out the "door" of his "cage", and he has even found ability to step out of it a time or two, but he always gets sucked back in by the great winds of depression.
Relationships. I have none. With men at least. I tell people my life would be better if I had a man in it. To tell the truth, I do not know if it would be better, or if it would be worse, but there are times I would so like to have another adult in the house. The house is so quiet, and I get lonely. I eat alone. I watch tv alone. I play on the internet alone. I look outside the door, feel the nice breeze of the day, and I have no one to tell how nice it is. There is no one to hug me when I feel a little bit blue. There is no one to cook for but myself. No one to run to the store because I don't feel like it, so whatever I need from the store, I do without. In the morning when I leave for work, I leave a darkened house. At night when I come home, I come home to an even darker house. The answer is not to leave a light on. I tried that. The house was just empty then.
Yet, I so enjoy the quiet a lot of the time. I don't have to listen to the TV when I want it off. I only have my laundry to do. (which would be 8 loads today if i had someone else) I can eat when I want, what I want. I can come and go as I please, no one to answer to of where I am going. I don't have to argue that I want this here when he wants that there.
Then there is Randy. My ex husband. I even worry about how it will affect him if I were to get a "boyfriend" even. He is acting strange at times. Like he is still my husband, or it is his responsibility to take care of me. Of course, he did promise my father that he would. Maybe that is it?
My House. Even though I am proud to be able to own my own home, at least say I do, as the bank actually owns it, it is a big part of my depression. Due to health issues and just plain working, I am too tired to keep it how I would want it to be. Besides, my craft room cannot be downstairs because I had to "give" that room to the grandkids for when they are here. My upstairs will never be cleaned out. The downstairs will always be cluttered. My bedroom makes me happy because it is big and bright and as long as i keep the clutter out, spacious. But it caused me more debt, and the kitchen also caused me more debt. So though I now have a nice bedroom and a usable kitchen, I have more debt.
There are 4 rooms upstairs. I don't even like an upstairs. I do not feel comfortable being up there. When the house has no other people in it, the upstairs is another world to me, that is to far up? I cannot hear if someone comes into the house downstairs when I am upstairs. Multiple trips on the stairs takes the wind out of me, and I have to stop to make my heart stop pounding the wall of my chest, and that is only two or three trips, making them count as multiple. The upstairs is trashed out, and cluttered. It seems the more I try to clean it, the worse it gets. And the mess in the hallway downstairs, I don't even know what to do with any more.
There is curtains hanging over the door leading into the hall, or foyer. If i do not look beyond these curtains, I can forget that those messes are there even. Every time I try to work on the messes, it takes me down. Therefore, I choose to not work on the messes that often.
But I know my depression is deepening. The messes have spread into the living room and other rooms of the house. Mykal does not see this as depression. I do not know what she sees it as. That I am just procrastinating? Putting if off because I don't want to do it? She does not see that I really try.
The table is covered with things that have places they should be put, or just tossed out. My desk is getting deeper in papers and pictures, envelopes and non important things too. Baskets of clean laundry setting in the middle of the floor. One has been there for three weeks, one has been there for two. Her solution for that was to put it all in one basket. It is only towels and washcloths. Such a simple chore to fold them and place them in the closet, yet, they still sit there in the basket, and now I have washed more to add to the basket.
My own laundry, instead of in a basket, lays in a pile against the wall in my bedroom. What I normally watch and wash when a load builds up, now has probably three or four loads waiting for me. Clean uniform pants and capri pants lay folded on the foot of the bed. They had sat in a basket for over a week before that. Now they are waiting to be placed on hangers and hung in the closet. And the bed is not made.
The empty swimming pool in the back yard. The beginning of projects and leaving them unfinished. No desire to go finish them.
The Signs. These are all signs that my depression has returned to me. What people think are my lazy days are the days I cannot do anything. Days I can barely get out of bed, let alone get off the sofa once I light there. And if I know that all of this is my depression, why don't I do something to get out of it? Why don't I go to the doctor and get medication? I know it would probably help me, and put a stop to some of it, but I also know I have reactions to new medications I introduce to my body. How many "new pills" would I have to try before I found one that I could take and would be effective? Of course, how would I pay for all of the office visits and trial and error medications? Whose to say that I even really need that?
I am in a rut. That rut is called depression. It is hard to deal with because I know I am depressed, but I have no way to fix it. Self analyzation is a bitch ya know.
I was offered a travel position in California. It is 8 weeks giving flu shots to the veterans. Knowing I do not have the money to make the trip, takes me down even further, but I am going to do it anyways. Though I will be terribly homesick and miss my "babies", I know I need to get away from here. You might say I am running from my life. You can, because that is what I feel like I am doing. If I focus on my trip, I might be able to get my laundry done, because I have to. The dishes washed and put away. The cabinets/counters cleaned off. No, I will not be able to clean the hall and upstairs. That will just be there when I return.
I have to do this or I will have difficulty to bring myself out of the depression. Getting away from the "problems" will help. Meeting new people will help. I do hope I still have the job at the hospital when I return, but if not, then I will go somewhere else to work.
Depression. It is a terrible thing to have in your life. I know it is. I have it right now. Don't worry though, it will all be OK.
Yes, I am depressed. No one knows that I am except for myself.
I know I am because I have been here before, and it is not a fun world to be in. It does not happen to me in the extent that I need medicated to come out of it, but I have to do things to bring myself out, or I will need medications. That is one of the factors that put me here. Not medications, well, maybe that is one too, but why I do not look into getting medications while I am in this state of life.
Money. It is due to the fact that I am so broke, I am depressed. It is due to the fact that every pay day, I have to decide what bills I am going to jostle around and pay this time. It is a fear to get behind in payments of these bills. The realization that when the bills are paid, there is no money left for food or medications. It starts out as stress, then you eventually get depressed. And you realize the government is taking over $600 a month from your pay checks for taxes. Those taxes are paying the salaries of those people who are making attempts to tax you more even. Though you cannot pay your bills because half your pay check already goes to taxes to pay these politicians who don't have to pay for their medical treatment, and you cannot even afford to go to the doctor or buy your medicines because you are already paying for theirs.
Politics. I do not understand them, and what I do understand, angers me greatly. Therefore, I try to avoid politics because I do not need that anger in my life, so I will not become more depressed because I am paying the politicians to take more of my money.
Health. Even though I really try to not be ill, it happens. Hypertension is a part of my life, so I need to take medication to lower my blood pressure. My medication costs me $50 a month. Hypothyroidism is a part of my life. Without my medication I cannot function on a day to day basis even. (and depression is a wonderful effect of hypothyroidism). At least I can get by with getting that for $4 a month. (thank-you wal mart). Edema is a part of my life. That is when you get that swelling in your feet. In this past year, mine has worsened, so an increase in the medication dosage has happened, at least not an increase in the cost. Again, thank you wal mart, cost is $4 a month.
Now those are only my PRESCRIBED medications. There are others that are called "over the counter medicines", that many people probably think i can live without, but there are reasons I have to take things, like Vitamin E and C and Fish Oil, Oat Bran Tabs and Prilosec. There are health issues, and these medications are needed to get me past them. These medications are needed for me to be able to get out of bed every morning and make it through the day.
There are days that I do not take my medications. Sometimes I actually forget, and sometimes I intentionally pass them by so that it makes them last longer. Yes, I occasionally skip a day of medications to avoid having to buy more sooner, but I know if I skip too many days of medications, it is a big mistake.
So now why would I want to add an anti-depressant to my already growing list of medications? It would only cost me money, and it probably would not come in generic so gracious wal mart could sell it to me for $4 a month. It would be like my blood pressure medicine, and cost me $50 or greater a month.
Family. Yes, my family depresses me at times. Doesn't yours? Some people have no family, so they are saying "at least you have a family". Even some people that have families are saying that. When I am not going down into my depression periods, I love my family dearly.
My oldest son is not my oldest child. He is the second one I gave birth too, but if we are going to discuss family who depresses me the most, he has to be at the top of the list. One day, he will read this and not understand what he has done, or say "I didn't know" or "I didn't mean to", but whatever. Tim is still at the top of the list. In my words, he forgot where he came from. But if you look at my family history, it repeats itself. My father did it, my brother did it, and now my son is doing it. So is my son to blame? Or is it just something in his genes and he had no control over it?
What I tried to do with my children, is to raise them to be close to each other. To give them all the love I could to keep them together as a family should be. Tim grew up, joined the Navy, got married and forgot where he came from. He has little or no contact with the family. Well, his father calls him and pesters him, but that is so he can talk to Joe the grandson.
authors' note :*If you read this before, you will take note a large portion of it is missing. Right from here. I changed my mind and felt it did not belong here. One day I will share it with Tim, maybe. One day the hurt just might not matter anymore either.*
Mykal does not want me to leave, and she does try to make my life easier except for the guilt trips she throws on me when I make plans for my travel nurse tours. It depresses me because I have to leave my grandchildren behind, but that is something I have to do because my depression for my general life will swallow me up, and even my little mans' smile will not be enough. Mykal has a very busy life, but she tries to include me in most of it to keep me happy. She tries to take away some of my financial problems by paying me to babysit my boys.
Sarah has life's problems. She has difficulty with depression at times, so I think she would understand, but she cannot see others down times, for all the things happening in her life. When she is depressed, no one has a more terrible life than she does. When she is "up" she does not want to see others "downs" for fear it will grab her foot and pull her back in. She speaks out in anger and hurts those who love her while she is having her down time, then she is in her up periods, and has difficulty trying to understand why people just can't be happy for her. Sounds bipolar almost, doesn't it?
Curtis is a problem. He has never been able to do anything with his life. His father enabled him to stay in his psychological prison. There are times when I see Curtis peeking out the "door" of his "cage", and he has even found ability to step out of it a time or two, but he always gets sucked back in by the great winds of depression.
Relationships. I have none. With men at least. I tell people my life would be better if I had a man in it. To tell the truth, I do not know if it would be better, or if it would be worse, but there are times I would so like to have another adult in the house. The house is so quiet, and I get lonely. I eat alone. I watch tv alone. I play on the internet alone. I look outside the door, feel the nice breeze of the day, and I have no one to tell how nice it is. There is no one to hug me when I feel a little bit blue. There is no one to cook for but myself. No one to run to the store because I don't feel like it, so whatever I need from the store, I do without. In the morning when I leave for work, I leave a darkened house. At night when I come home, I come home to an even darker house. The answer is not to leave a light on. I tried that. The house was just empty then.
Yet, I so enjoy the quiet a lot of the time. I don't have to listen to the TV when I want it off. I only have my laundry to do. (which would be 8 loads today if i had someone else) I can eat when I want, what I want. I can come and go as I please, no one to answer to of where I am going. I don't have to argue that I want this here when he wants that there.
Then there is Randy. My ex husband. I even worry about how it will affect him if I were to get a "boyfriend" even. He is acting strange at times. Like he is still my husband, or it is his responsibility to take care of me. Of course, he did promise my father that he would. Maybe that is it?
My House. Even though I am proud to be able to own my own home, at least say I do, as the bank actually owns it, it is a big part of my depression. Due to health issues and just plain working, I am too tired to keep it how I would want it to be. Besides, my craft room cannot be downstairs because I had to "give" that room to the grandkids for when they are here. My upstairs will never be cleaned out. The downstairs will always be cluttered. My bedroom makes me happy because it is big and bright and as long as i keep the clutter out, spacious. But it caused me more debt, and the kitchen also caused me more debt. So though I now have a nice bedroom and a usable kitchen, I have more debt.
There are 4 rooms upstairs. I don't even like an upstairs. I do not feel comfortable being up there. When the house has no other people in it, the upstairs is another world to me, that is to far up? I cannot hear if someone comes into the house downstairs when I am upstairs. Multiple trips on the stairs takes the wind out of me, and I have to stop to make my heart stop pounding the wall of my chest, and that is only two or three trips, making them count as multiple. The upstairs is trashed out, and cluttered. It seems the more I try to clean it, the worse it gets. And the mess in the hallway downstairs, I don't even know what to do with any more.
There is curtains hanging over the door leading into the hall, or foyer. If i do not look beyond these curtains, I can forget that those messes are there even. Every time I try to work on the messes, it takes me down. Therefore, I choose to not work on the messes that often.
But I know my depression is deepening. The messes have spread into the living room and other rooms of the house. Mykal does not see this as depression. I do not know what she sees it as. That I am just procrastinating? Putting if off because I don't want to do it? She does not see that I really try.
The table is covered with things that have places they should be put, or just tossed out. My desk is getting deeper in papers and pictures, envelopes and non important things too. Baskets of clean laundry setting in the middle of the floor. One has been there for three weeks, one has been there for two. Her solution for that was to put it all in one basket. It is only towels and washcloths. Such a simple chore to fold them and place them in the closet, yet, they still sit there in the basket, and now I have washed more to add to the basket.
My own laundry, instead of in a basket, lays in a pile against the wall in my bedroom. What I normally watch and wash when a load builds up, now has probably three or four loads waiting for me. Clean uniform pants and capri pants lay folded on the foot of the bed. They had sat in a basket for over a week before that. Now they are waiting to be placed on hangers and hung in the closet. And the bed is not made.
The empty swimming pool in the back yard. The beginning of projects and leaving them unfinished. No desire to go finish them.
The Signs. These are all signs that my depression has returned to me. What people think are my lazy days are the days I cannot do anything. Days I can barely get out of bed, let alone get off the sofa once I light there. And if I know that all of this is my depression, why don't I do something to get out of it? Why don't I go to the doctor and get medication? I know it would probably help me, and put a stop to some of it, but I also know I have reactions to new medications I introduce to my body. How many "new pills" would I have to try before I found one that I could take and would be effective? Of course, how would I pay for all of the office visits and trial and error medications? Whose to say that I even really need that?
I am in a rut. That rut is called depression. It is hard to deal with because I know I am depressed, but I have no way to fix it. Self analyzation is a bitch ya know.
I was offered a travel position in California. It is 8 weeks giving flu shots to the veterans. Knowing I do not have the money to make the trip, takes me down even further, but I am going to do it anyways. Though I will be terribly homesick and miss my "babies", I know I need to get away from here. You might say I am running from my life. You can, because that is what I feel like I am doing. If I focus on my trip, I might be able to get my laundry done, because I have to. The dishes washed and put away. The cabinets/counters cleaned off. No, I will not be able to clean the hall and upstairs. That will just be there when I return.
I have to do this or I will have difficulty to bring myself out of the depression. Getting away from the "problems" will help. Meeting new people will help. I do hope I still have the job at the hospital when I return, but if not, then I will go somewhere else to work.
Depression. It is a terrible thing to have in your life. I know it is. I have it right now. Don't worry though, it will all be OK.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
can i travel again?
i guess i have not been writing in my dreams lately, as i have not been writing here. not even to finish my sister story. of course, i never mentioned earlier how much of a procrastinator that i am. such a procrastinator, it is a wonder i was on time for my birth!
today i got a phone call from a travel nurse agency. maybe it is the one i have been waiting for? they say that there is several positions in california at this time for the flu clinics at the veterans administration.
how cool is that?
i am not as excited as i normally would have been.
it seems i have been away from the travel nursing long enough, that i don't care if i travel again or not. but i do feel that "i really want to go" sneaking up in there. it will only be two months away from home. i will receive 2 dollars an hour more than i am currently making. i will get to drive across the states and maybe see something. i will get to see the ocean on that side of the world again. i will get away from this job i am wanting to get away from. i will miss the boys. i will worry if they are ok without me. i will have no family to visit me.
eight weeks
plus 2 weeks travel.
ten weeks, or close to that.
but, it is california. maybe i will get to see my friend micki, or get to meet dan the man?
it will be a day or so, probably the so, before i find out if i was accepted for one of the positions or not. if i am accepted, i will have to worry about getting out there. just a general look, 32 hours of driving. by myself. which i am ok with most times, but since i did have a slight problem with it just recently, i wonder if it is in good enough condition now to go that far? it is driving much smoother right now, so i think so.
it may seem as if i am trying to talk myself out of it, but that is not it. what it is, is that i do want to go so bad, i am afraid it can't happen. are the tires ok? will the belts need changed? will have to pack my "traveling home". where will i get the money to leave? (i will get reimbursement after i get there and file for it).
when i did the travel nurse thing awhile back, i was doing ok financially and did not have to worry about where the money was going to come from. being home, the wages were lower and the bills higher. on this trip, i will make just a bit more than at home, but i will not get the extras which i had gotten on my last trip. which was really great as i was able to stash $500 a month into my savings account.
that will not happen this "tour".
especially since it is only an 8 week tour.
most others are 12 weeks with the option later to re-up for another 12 weeks. then, you can make friends, rent a room from them, and take the housing stipend to put into your savings account. that is how i managed it before. won't happen with only an 8 week stint.
then, i will have to come back home. unless i am offered something else somewhere else. which, i will not hold my breath waiting for an assignment. there is NOTHING out there. well, a bit of an exaggeration. (wow, i did spell check because i thought i spelled exaggeration wrong, but i was wrong, i spelled it right!!) if there are any positions out there that i am eligible for, there are also 500 more lpns eligible for them.
the economy has even hit nurses.
i look at low census days each week. i lose vacation time every time they call me to take a census day. oh, i could take the day off unpaid, but then, which bill collector would allow me to pass on this months' payment?
that is another reason i am ready to do the traveling thing again. at least it is guarenteed work, because a contract is signed.
not a story, but at least i wrote.
good night all.
today i got a phone call from a travel nurse agency. maybe it is the one i have been waiting for? they say that there is several positions in california at this time for the flu clinics at the veterans administration.
how cool is that?
i am not as excited as i normally would have been.
it seems i have been away from the travel nursing long enough, that i don't care if i travel again or not. but i do feel that "i really want to go" sneaking up in there. it will only be two months away from home. i will receive 2 dollars an hour more than i am currently making. i will get to drive across the states and maybe see something. i will get to see the ocean on that side of the world again. i will get away from this job i am wanting to get away from. i will miss the boys. i will worry if they are ok without me. i will have no family to visit me.
eight weeks
plus 2 weeks travel.
ten weeks, or close to that.
but, it is california. maybe i will get to see my friend micki, or get to meet dan the man?
it will be a day or so, probably the so, before i find out if i was accepted for one of the positions or not. if i am accepted, i will have to worry about getting out there. just a general look, 32 hours of driving. by myself. which i am ok with most times, but since i did have a slight problem with it just recently, i wonder if it is in good enough condition now to go that far? it is driving much smoother right now, so i think so.
it may seem as if i am trying to talk myself out of it, but that is not it. what it is, is that i do want to go so bad, i am afraid it can't happen. are the tires ok? will the belts need changed? will have to pack my "traveling home". where will i get the money to leave? (i will get reimbursement after i get there and file for it).
when i did the travel nurse thing awhile back, i was doing ok financially and did not have to worry about where the money was going to come from. being home, the wages were lower and the bills higher. on this trip, i will make just a bit more than at home, but i will not get the extras which i had gotten on my last trip. which was really great as i was able to stash $500 a month into my savings account.
that will not happen this "tour".
especially since it is only an 8 week tour.
most others are 12 weeks with the option later to re-up for another 12 weeks. then, you can make friends, rent a room from them, and take the housing stipend to put into your savings account. that is how i managed it before. won't happen with only an 8 week stint.
then, i will have to come back home. unless i am offered something else somewhere else. which, i will not hold my breath waiting for an assignment. there is NOTHING out there. well, a bit of an exaggeration. (wow, i did spell check because i thought i spelled exaggeration wrong, but i was wrong, i spelled it right!!) if there are any positions out there that i am eligible for, there are also 500 more lpns eligible for them.
the economy has even hit nurses.
i look at low census days each week. i lose vacation time every time they call me to take a census day. oh, i could take the day off unpaid, but then, which bill collector would allow me to pass on this months' payment?
that is another reason i am ready to do the traveling thing again. at least it is guarenteed work, because a contract is signed.
not a story, but at least i wrote.
good night all.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Reading, Writing and Pictures
who reads my work? i sometimes wonder that, but i do know that my friend jean reads it. i just wonder does anyone else? my family or other friends who i have supplied the link to, or if strangers even read it, and if they do, what do they get from it?
what i think i wonder about it for, is i want those who read it to actually enjoy what i write. i hid this blog at first. well, not hidden really, i just did not tell anyone about it. i was not going to share. what i was going to do was just write, to satisfy my need to write, and let it set here for "strangers" to find and enjoy. then i wrote the story about the blanket, on the blog connected with this one. i really wanted to share that with my son. originally, it was going to be a whiny blog, about how my son does not seem to be one of the family anymore, but it turned out to be a pretty good story about the blanket he grew up with, and now is inside his son's blanket. so, i had to share. now i cannot whine about my son who moved away and married and never comes home.
I Should Write a Book
people are always telling me i should write a book. those people are usually my patients. my "trapped" audience. they are in the hospital, in the room, with this crazy nurse taking care of them. they make the mistake of asking me a little about myself, and they usually get a whole story of some sort about me. i make them laugh, and i make them cry. and in the end, they always tell me, "you should write i book, i would read it!"
i only wish i had the ability to actually write a book. it is not the same though as telling a one or two person audience a story.
Oh I Want to be in Pictures
as i look about other blogs, they have lots of pictures. it looks so easy to have them in the blog. but when i try to do it, it is a whole other dimension in life! i go to the top of this box that i am typing in, and click on the little icon to add the picture. so far so good. then when the picture comes up, it is at the very top of this box. no where near where i want it placed. then i have to work and finangle it down to the position i want it to be, but i do not think that any of the pictures i have placed in the blog are actually where i wanted them to be.
ok, here is a photo of me from three years ago. this was taken in a restaurant in nebras
ka after i visited a friend. it was easy enough to place, because i really don't have a spot that i want it to be. but it still was at the top of the page in the first place.
ka after i visited a friend. it was easy enough to place, because i really don't have a spot that i want it to be. but it still was at the top of the page in the first place. ok now, it was not exactly where i wanted it, and now i am making the attempt to place it correctly, it is not working, so i am leaving it just where it landed. maybe another time.
i have used this picture for other purposes, and people asked me why i looked mad. i thought i looked deep in though myself.
and jean makes videos. one day i will make one of those too, but i am not gonna ride a bike to do it.
well, that is enough for now. take care all
huggsssss
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
i searched me on the internet
did you ever do a search on your own name? sometimes i just get a whim, and do that.
my full first name is tomasina. the story was, my older sister wanted a baby brother named tommy, but they got me instead. funny thing is, is that no one in the family ever called me tommy. i was always tom or tomas. i because tommie in the eighth grade. i was soooooo tired of the kids making fun of my name with anything that rhymed with tomasina.
another part of that name story is that my mother always told me, "i took the o off the name and put an a on it, because that made it feminine". on one of my searches, i found out that "tomasino" is a greek surname. i grew up in chicago, many of my siblings were named after my mothers greek friends, so, whatcha think? yeah, me too.
i found out that in chicago, there was a young woman that designed and produced bridal gowns. how coincidental. i LOVE to sew, but i could never sew that well.
in L.A. california, there is a young woman who sings with a band. not country though. i LOVE to sing, but everyone keeps telling me to keep my day job. roflmao.
and there is another woman, jeana tomasina, who is an actress. ummmm, nope, i can't act.
today i found out the my name is on websites stating that i am a doctor. (one can wish, can't they?) i notified those sites it is not true.
i found my name is in many of my friends postings/blogs. (i am loved!!)
my poetry is posted on many websites. (YAY)
and one of my inscribed books is for sale on Amazon.com. (huh?)
my heart fell when i discovered that. i had tried to get my books onto amazon when i first had them published, but was unsuccessful in doing so, but here was one that i had personally autographed, being sold on amazon. i signed that for THIS person. a personal, handwritten message. and they were selling it. i wanted to cry.
it took me a bit to find the info of where to contact the seller, but i found the email and sent a note.
"could you please tell me who this book was inscribed to? thank you so much "
and she replied almost immediately.
"The inscription is to Josh and it is signed Tommie, who I believe was the author.
Cordially,
J++ B++ Emtiger's books."
i breathed a sigh of relief. my heart felt much better. you see, i give the books to soldiers that i do not know, and this is most likely one of those soldiers. i was so afraid it was one of the mom's i had gifted the book to.
i sent a note back
"thank you
the inscripition is signed
hugggggsssssss armymom tommie
i am her.
my heart sunk a bit when i saw an inscribed book was being sold, online at that. i give the books to all soldiers i meet, and many of the military moms. so i was curious as to who was selling it. as it is "josh", i understand. the book was not meant for young men, it was written for the moms, which, if you have read any of it, you can tell. good luck in your sales. when you do sell it, i have a closet full left, lol.
hugggssss armymom tommie"
then she again replied
"You wrote it -- of course. I should have known. Sorry. Since you give them away, would you prefer that I not sell it?
Best wishes, J"
to which i replied,
"the book is in your possession so it is yours to do with as you wish. God is the one responsible for the book. He must have meant for it to be sold this time. (i have sold a few myself, to people who request it online, non military people, people i don't know) the give aways are to Gold Star Mothers, mothers i meet face to face, soldiers and veterans, persons who are using it for purposes to assist the soldiers/military by sales or putting in gift boxes.
the book you have, as you can see is book two. i started writing the poems when my daughter was in egypt, near afghanistan. i cried at the drop of a hat. then i joined the mothers group. for some reason, i wrote a poem then shared it with this mothers group. the war was all over the television. i worked evenings at the hospital, so it was always on. my only way to cope was to come home after work and write these poems, while the tears dripped off my chin.
when the mothers asked for the book, they supplied me with the photos to put into the book, and in 2004, the first book was published. it arrived on my doorstep one week before mothers day, and each mother had their book in their hands by then.
i had so many photos and many, many more poems, so the second book came about, the one you have, and that book came to me a week before fathers day, 2006.
i will always believe that God chose me to be His vessel to bring these words to the other mothers to help them through such a difficult time in their lives. i tried to sell the books locally, and on the internet. when i did not sell them, i decided Our Lord meant for me to give them away, so i do that. i still sell some, occasionally. when a mother (on the internet) asks for one, i include a second one inscribed to her soldier. it is mostly to help with postage is why i ask for monies.
did i note you are in LA? i think that was on ebay where i got that. i went to the fair in lafayette and gave a bag of the books to soldiers who were there. could be josh was one of them.
please, sell the book because i am sure that is what He meant for you to do with it. that is your profession, is it not? i am finally on amazon.com, lol.
God bless
hugggssssssss
tommie
ps, sorry for the short story here, lol."
actually, i don't like the "that is your profession, is it not?" line. it sounds quite curt. maybe i should write her another note and apologize? she has not returned another email.
well, that is my life on the internet, and one story of how i got there, lol.
hugggggggsssssss to all
tommie
my full first name is tomasina. the story was, my older sister wanted a baby brother named tommy, but they got me instead. funny thing is, is that no one in the family ever called me tommy. i was always tom or tomas. i because tommie in the eighth grade. i was soooooo tired of the kids making fun of my name with anything that rhymed with tomasina.
another part of that name story is that my mother always told me, "i took the o off the name and put an a on it, because that made it feminine". on one of my searches, i found out that "tomasino" is a greek surname. i grew up in chicago, many of my siblings were named after my mothers greek friends, so, whatcha think? yeah, me too.
i found out that in chicago, there was a young woman that designed and produced bridal gowns. how coincidental. i LOVE to sew, but i could never sew that well.
in L.A. california, there is a young woman who sings with a band. not country though. i LOVE to sing, but everyone keeps telling me to keep my day job. roflmao.
and there is another woman, jeana tomasina, who is an actress. ummmm, nope, i can't act.
today i found out the my name is on websites stating that i am a doctor. (one can wish, can't they?) i notified those sites it is not true.
i found my name is in many of my friends postings/blogs. (i am loved!!)
my poetry is posted on many websites. (YAY)
and one of my inscribed books is for sale on Amazon.com. (huh?)
my heart fell when i discovered that. i had tried to get my books onto amazon when i first had them published, but was unsuccessful in doing so, but here was one that i had personally autographed, being sold on amazon. i signed that for THIS person. a personal, handwritten message. and they were selling it. i wanted to cry.
it took me a bit to find the info of where to contact the seller, but i found the email and sent a note.
"could you please tell me who this book was inscribed to? thank you so much "
and she replied almost immediately.
"The inscription is to Josh and it is signed Tommie, who I believe was the author.
Cordially,
J++ B++ Emtiger's books."
i breathed a sigh of relief. my heart felt much better. you see, i give the books to soldiers that i do not know, and this is most likely one of those soldiers. i was so afraid it was one of the mom's i had gifted the book to.
i sent a note back
"thank you
the inscripition is signed
hugggggsssssss armymom tommie
i am her.
my heart sunk a bit when i saw an inscribed book was being sold, online at that. i give the books to all soldiers i meet, and many of the military moms. so i was curious as to who was selling it. as it is "josh", i understand. the book was not meant for young men, it was written for the moms, which, if you have read any of it, you can tell. good luck in your sales. when you do sell it, i have a closet full left, lol.
hugggssss armymom tommie"
then she again replied
"You wrote it -- of course. I should have known. Sorry. Since you give them away, would you prefer that I not sell it?
Best wishes, J"
to which i replied,
"the book is in your possession so it is yours to do with as you wish. God is the one responsible for the book. He must have meant for it to be sold this time. (i have sold a few myself, to people who request it online, non military people, people i don't know) the give aways are to Gold Star Mothers, mothers i meet face to face, soldiers and veterans, persons who are using it for purposes to assist the soldiers/military by sales or putting in gift boxes.
the book you have, as you can see is book two. i started writing the poems when my daughter was in egypt, near afghanistan. i cried at the drop of a hat. then i joined the mothers group. for some reason, i wrote a poem then shared it with this mothers group. the war was all over the television. i worked evenings at the hospital, so it was always on. my only way to cope was to come home after work and write these poems, while the tears dripped off my chin.
when the mothers asked for the book, they supplied me with the photos to put into the book, and in 2004, the first book was published. it arrived on my doorstep one week before mothers day, and each mother had their book in their hands by then.
i had so many photos and many, many more poems, so the second book came about, the one you have, and that book came to me a week before fathers day, 2006.
i will always believe that God chose me to be His vessel to bring these words to the other mothers to help them through such a difficult time in their lives. i tried to sell the books locally, and on the internet. when i did not sell them, i decided Our Lord meant for me to give them away, so i do that. i still sell some, occasionally. when a mother (on the internet) asks for one, i include a second one inscribed to her soldier. it is mostly to help with postage is why i ask for monies.
did i note you are in LA? i think that was on ebay where i got that. i went to the fair in lafayette and gave a bag of the books to soldiers who were there. could be josh was one of them.
please, sell the book because i am sure that is what He meant for you to do with it. that is your profession, is it not? i am finally on amazon.com, lol.
God bless
hugggssssssss
tommie
ps, sorry for the short story here, lol."
actually, i don't like the "that is your profession, is it not?" line. it sounds quite curt. maybe i should write her another note and apologize? she has not returned another email.
well, that is my life on the internet, and one story of how i got there, lol.
hugggggggsssssss to all
tommie
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
to be an RN or not to be an RN
i have been up since 7:30 this morning. would not be bad except for the fact that i never went to sleep until after 3. there was a phone call from a former co-worker in the travel field. she has a new position in Louisiana, and thought i might be interested in signing with another company.
well, first, as the number was not familiar to me, i thought it might be one of the companies i had already signed with, but it wasn't
second, who the heck is yolanda? not yolanda she says, its ROlanda, from miami (ohhhhhhh) she said, the pregnant one.
third, not every one is awake at 7:30 in the morning on their days off from work.
it is now about 10 am, and i have been at this computer since she woke me up, checking on travel companies and finding out i have already filled out applications for the company she mentioned. so i shot off a couple of emails to previous persons who had emailed me, to keep them aware that i exist and am still looking for a travel position.
this next saturday, i have an appointment with some gentleman about a school. RN to be exact. i am thinking about extending my education, so that more travel positions will be open to me, or, to just make more money for the work i am ALREADY doing.
i have thought about this before, but i cannot take time off to return to school, and i cannot go to class AND work. i am too old. (yes, i heard that. i am too TOO old, just ask my body).
this school had contacted me before about taking classes with them. it is an almost correspondence class, but it is online courses associated with Indiana State Uninversity. i passed it by before because they wanted me to take a MSN (masters) course, which i would be working on until the day i die. they now offer a BSN (bachelors) course, which i might be able to make it through before my 90th birthday. really tempting, as i will most likely be working until then, the way the government is handling things.
the pre-requisites might hold me back on it. i mean, if i have to work 2 years on those, i do not think i will do the nursing course. that will also take 2 years, so there is 4 years of training. well, it is better than 6 years.
of course, the money will also matter. next year, i will have a little more available, and might be able to swing the finances to make payments for classes, but i do not know if i can swing it right now. can only wait and see what this fella is going to offer me.
off to do chores now. huggggssssss
well, first, as the number was not familiar to me, i thought it might be one of the companies i had already signed with, but it wasn't
second, who the heck is yolanda? not yolanda she says, its ROlanda, from miami (ohhhhhhh) she said, the pregnant one.
third, not every one is awake at 7:30 in the morning on their days off from work.
it is now about 10 am, and i have been at this computer since she woke me up, checking on travel companies and finding out i have already filled out applications for the company she mentioned. so i shot off a couple of emails to previous persons who had emailed me, to keep them aware that i exist and am still looking for a travel position.
this next saturday, i have an appointment with some gentleman about a school. RN to be exact. i am thinking about extending my education, so that more travel positions will be open to me, or, to just make more money for the work i am ALREADY doing.
i have thought about this before, but i cannot take time off to return to school, and i cannot go to class AND work. i am too old. (yes, i heard that. i am too TOO old, just ask my body).
this school had contacted me before about taking classes with them. it is an almost correspondence class, but it is online courses associated with Indiana State Uninversity. i passed it by before because they wanted me to take a MSN (masters) course, which i would be working on until the day i die. they now offer a BSN (bachelors) course, which i might be able to make it through before my 90th birthday. really tempting, as i will most likely be working until then, the way the government is handling things.
the pre-requisites might hold me back on it. i mean, if i have to work 2 years on those, i do not think i will do the nursing course. that will also take 2 years, so there is 4 years of training. well, it is better than 6 years.
of course, the money will also matter. next year, i will have a little more available, and might be able to swing the finances to make payments for classes, but i do not know if i can swing it right now. can only wait and see what this fella is going to offer me.
off to do chores now. huggggssssss
My Beginning Blog
I never write the title of my blog until I have written it. It is much easier to choose one when I know what the blog is about. I chose the name, In My Dreams I Can Write, well, because I can. Whether it be the dreams I dream when I am actually asleep, or my daydreams. I am one of the most fantastic writers that there is. My words tumble from my fingertips onto the blank page of word, or onto some blog, like this one.
It is odd that I find myself starting a whole new blog, away from facebook and myspace. Maybe it is due to that I closed one of my other blog sites. Feeling the loss of one less place to take my little mouse and pointer to, I find myself here, in eblog land.
Take note, I am using capitals in this blog, but in future blogs, you will most likely find no capitals, as I am horrid about using them when I type. I find that it slows me down. Call me lazy, ok?
Off I go now to explore the possibilities of what I can do in this blog site. Oh. I named it My Beginning Blog, for lack of any other name I could think of.
huggss
It is odd that I find myself starting a whole new blog, away from facebook and myspace. Maybe it is due to that I closed one of my other blog sites. Feeling the loss of one less place to take my little mouse and pointer to, I find myself here, in eblog land.
Take note, I am using capitals in this blog, but in future blogs, you will most likely find no capitals, as I am horrid about using them when I type. I find that it slows me down. Call me lazy, ok?
Off I go now to explore the possibilities of what I can do in this blog site. Oh. I named it My Beginning Blog, for lack of any other name I could think of.
huggss
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