the Beauty of God

i do believe that this has to be one of the most awesomest sights in the whole world. i cannot get enough of it. if it were up to me, i would spend the remaining days of my life, looking at the ocean. walking along the shoreline, collecting seashells.

the blueness of the sky above the green-grays of the water. the whiteness of the waves as they roll up towards the browns and blacks of the sand. as i stand on the sand, the water rushes up over my feet. it is icy cold. the water recedes and i turn to walk up the beach when a wave rolls from the ocean, splashing water up my legs, soaking the bottoms of my cropped jeans. my footprints follow me from the waters

can there be anything more peaceful or enjoyable than this?

home away from home

in livermore, my home is a hotel room. in it i have a bed of course. a not so comfortable queen size bed. beside it sits an also not so comfortable lounge chair with a large foot stool in front of it. a bedside table where i placed my cpap machine. it helps me to breathe at night. i sleep on the right side of the bed.
a desk is to the left of the bed. my computer sits on top, with a lamp beside the monitor. a straight back chair is what i sit on as i type. i think i will have hemorrhoids before i leave here. i know, too much information there.
behind me, on the other wall is an open closet where my clothes are hanging, and empty boxes on the above shelf. a low dresser with the television on it. like all hotels. beside this dresser sits the clothes hamper that my youngest daughter bought for me when i went on my first travel nurse position. it is tubular steel with a brown "sack" hanging from them. three sections to sort laundry. it has come in handy.
a square table, which i am sure is for eating at, and another straight backed chair. miscellaneous items sit upon this table. they have no where to be put away, so there they sit.
surprisingly, in the kitchen, i have a full sized refrigerator. two electric burners. i hate electric burners. one itty bitty square sink that nothing fits in. not enough cabinets or counter top space. they supplied a toaster and a tiny coffee maker, but i placed that under the sink, as i drink tea, so i brought my own tea pot, which is actually a coffee maker. all the items they supplied in the kitchen are under the sink, except the toaster. i didn't carry mine clear across the united states to keep in boxes. besides, i have full sets, nicer pans. and i would rather use my pans that i am familiar with if i have to use electricity to cook. there is no oven so i cannot bake, but there is a microwave. not the same.
a nice size bathroom with alot of space under the sink which was nice so i could store my empty boxes. i will need them to pack things back into when i return home.
home. yes, i miss it. probably more so as i have not been to work yet. they had things they needed to get straightened out before they would let me start working. now things are straight and i will start work in the morning.
when i am not working on the computer, the screen saver comes on, with pictures of my grandkids looking out at me. most of them are happy, laughing children, but i have no shame and i will snap a picture of a child who is crying too. when i look at the pictures, i think of what we were doing when they were taken, and how sweet they look. they are not sweet children though. most times they are mean to each other and fight. disrespectful to adults. something that is normal in this world today. my not so perfect grandchildren that they are, i miss them.
time for bed. should not stay up too late when i am in a melancholy mood. makes me miss them more.

life in livermore

God has certainly blessed me. He gave me a daughter who has so many great friends, and because of this, i am sitting in livermore Ca, safe and sound.
i should probably tell myself that this travel nursing was not really a good idea, but i do not believe that myself, so i cannot lie to you. i am glad that i am doing this, i only regret that it was so difficult for me to get to where i was, and other people had to worry so about me because of it.
as you all know, i had difficulty getting across the mountains.
after i had left apple valley, the mountain pass i ended up in was just too much. i had pulled off the road at an exit that actually was in the middle of nowhere. now, i am sure that this exit led to someplace, but to go anywhere with it, i would have had to drive down the mountainside, or up the mountainside.
i was so frustrated with myself and my fear. i am a self analyzer, trying to decipher in myself where this fear accumulated. how it put itself into my mind causing me such grief. of course, that is something i will most likely never know. my armymom friend, micki, was there with me. she had been driving her car in front of me, leading me to highway I-5 so that i might continue my journey on up to northern california. of course, she did not know what to do. she was calling our armymom friend JJ, whom we had just left not 15 minutes earlier. i do not know what their conversation was, only it was about me.
i was so lost. so distraught. i kept looking upward towards the highway i had just left. watching the traffic speed by. farther down the road, i could see the overpass i would have to cross. nothing but air on either side of it. like a bridge. bridges also give me problems, but i have made an agreement with them. i promise not to stay on them if they let me cross. it really does not decrease my fear, but it gets me across them.
i needed to call someone to help, but who could help me when all my family were two thousand miles away? who could i call and not cause them great worry? number two and send. Mykal, my oldest daughter. i really did not think that she could help me, and i was not sure i wanted her to know how distraught i was, because it would cause her distress. i did not want her to worry for me, but i needed someone familiar. that is the only reason i can say that i made that call.
Mykal has been alot of places and made alot of friends. she is outgoing and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. she was in the army for, oh, let's say 11 years, but i can never remember the correct time, as it seemed like she was gone forever anyways. Mykal works for 911 also, and she happened to be at work when she received my call.
she took immediate charge of the situation. less than a month ago, one of the girls that she had shared her room with, had moved to california. i had met vicki when i traveled to louisiana and mykal visited me there. vicki lived in mississippi. her home state (after england that is). she was in biloxi when hurricane katrina went through. vicki now lived about an hour from where i was stranded. she and her room mate would be there to pick me up as quick as they could find me.
in my wallet, i had some xanax pills one of my friends gave me when my prescription ran out. i had took half of one the day before, and at this time, i took the one and a half that was left.
both mykal and vicki kept contact with me by cell phone. micki talked with the strange trucker who pulled up while i was on the phone. after he left, a young man and his family pulled into our parking area. he had three children, ages 5, 3 and 18 months. he had pulled off because when the littlest one becomes upset while riding in the vehicle, she becomes sick and vomits if they don't pull over and let her out for a short bit. it turned out that he had used to be a marine. i entertained the children with beanie babies. i gave them their choice of my small collection. the mama was pregnant with a boy she said, and i had a beanie that said "it's a boy", so i gave that to her. i even had a gift for the guy, lol. one of the books of poetry that i had written for the military moms. he seemed pleased to get it, and not too concerned about this crazy lady he had found. i did explain to him what my predicament was, and his wife offered me chips and water which i refused as i already had those in my van.
inside myself, through all my pain, fear, grief...i was laughing at myself, because i knew how funny this predicament must look. not that anyone actually thought that i was "crazy", but i know i was babbling about, saying things that made no sense, but i was able to make it through the wait, standing in the middle of what i was afraid of.
then the black truck came down the hill. with my heroes. vicki and nina had arrived. saved the marine and his kids from me, lol. they saved me. i wrapped my chubby self around this tall skinny woman, hugging her tight enough i know she couldn't breathe. but she took me home with her anyway. she and nina took great care of me. they fed me and tucked me into bed after time at the beach. then they took their whole sunday to bring me to livermore. vicki put me into the truck and let nina drive it first, while vicki drove the van. poor nina was the one who had me through the worst part of the mountains going north from santa monica. i did not scream or cry though. i closed my eyes tight, held my hand over my face, and clenched my other hand into a fist. if nina spoke to me, i tried to talk back to her.
vicki had me through the "flat" lands where the orchards were or should have been. fields of cotton. dead citrus trees and some beautiful citrus trees that were ready to harvest. mountains surrounded us still, but there was plenty of land on either side of the road. the mountains were covered with yellowish brown grass. when we saw cows on the mountainsides, we both wondered how they kept from toppling downhill. vicki tells me, "that gives a new side to cow tipping". lolol. i was able to take some pictures. relief washed over me as we neared livermore. then, just outside the city, we hit mountain roads. nothing to either side. my chest tightened, my hands clenched and my eyes closed tightly. there were the windmills on the mountain tops. through my fear, i was able to take some photographs of them for my albums.
off the highway, turn to another road, and up the parkway of the hotel. vehicles turned off. i did not have the energy to dance, but my heart did flipflops because my feet were now planted safely on the ground. vicki refused to let me gas up her vehicle for her trip home. they refused to let me take them to dinner. they took a potty stop, allowed a couple pictures and went on their way for their 6 hour drive back home.
the young lady who had met me once before, took care of me because she was my daughters friend.
the van is now unloaded of my belongings. some things are put away, some things will be put away tomorrow. i was able to leave the hotel, and with directions of the desk clerk, find a grocery store to purchase some needed things. found the In and Out hamburger stand, which vicki said had the best burgers, and had my mouth watering for them all day. now i am back "home" writing this blog.
life in livermore has not been yet, but tomorrow i will make an attempt to venture out again. i have two days before i report to work at the VA clinic. as long as i do not have to drive on any mountain roads, life in livermore will be good.

fear

everyone has their fear. i found mine.
it is not something i would wish on anyone. finding their fear. it is the most horrible feeling you can find in yourself. it is deep in your soul and it takes over your whole body. you have no control of how your body reacts to it.
all my life, i never realized that fear could and does actually take over you like this. you hear stories about how fear paralyzes people. how someone was frightened to death, and you don't really believe this is possible. for you, i pray that you can always feel this way and never find out that it is true.
fear hurts.
deep in side you. it hurts every muscle and bone in your body. you cannot see. you may not even be able to talk.
many years ago, i had made fun of a gentleman because he was afraind of needles. hypodermic needles. i had to give him a shot, and i had to talk him through it so that i would be able to give him his needed injection. the next day i had to drive across the 18 mile bridge between lafayette and new orleans louisiana. i thought i had found my fear. my chest got tight and my arms tensed up. i had difficulty breathing. it was not good.
the next day when i returned to look, this man was my patient again, and i apologized profusely for laughing at his fear.
up until two days ago, i believed this was my deep fear. i did not believe that anything can scare me any worse than that. now i find that the fear i felt that day was nothing.
you are wondering when i will tell you what my fear is. to sit here and only think of it brings my fear out.
my fear is mountains. not mountains in themselves, but driving in them.
several years ago, i had driven in mountains across northern united states. my daughter sarah and i had piled kids and dogs in the car and drove from illinois to anacortes washington. stopping in south dakota to see the presidents, across wyoming, visiting a friend in montana, idaho and oregon. we did have some difficulty, but it did not seem really bad.
tuesday i began my trip across the lower states, well, up to omaha, then down to tulsa and the journey across began. i made it all the way to mid arizona before i began to realize how afraid i was.
it could be that due to arriving in new mexico in the dark, hiding the actual roads i was driving on, was actually a benefit to me, and early morning as i drove across arizona, the mountains lured in front of me. the beautiful beasts i was taking in, thinking how lucky i was to be able to view them. then, i went down hill. the roads were steep and winding. large semis passing by me, my van slightly rocking. the fear began. it was sometime thursday morning. i told myself that this was no different than the trip i took to washington, only i was by myself this time. i believed the down road trip would level out soon and i would be driving on level ground, with land on either side of the road.
little did i know that it would be a long spell before this happened.
i would go down the mountain, nothing to my left, and i would take the van to the inside right of the road. then, nothing to the right. straight drops of nothining ness. and i would coast over to the left side of the road. at first, i was able to keep my mind straight by driving slower than the other drivers, not letting it bother me that they had to pass me. i kept thinking that this would end soon. for some reason, i was under the belief that arizona was fairly flat. i thought the mountains would end, and i would have "normal" roads to drive on. then i thought when i got to california, it would end. i was so wrong with both.
my fear grew with each new mile i put behind me. i tried listening to the radio, but the noise would just get on my nerves and add to the agitation of the non ending mountain roads. it was now full daylight, getting later in the day. when i felt the fear build up, i would pull into a gas station (when available) or a rest area.
breathe, relax, pray. tell myself it would not be much longer. everytime i got low in the mountain, or at least what i thought was low, i would start going uphill again and the fear would build because i knew i would have to drive down hill again.
my fingers clenched the steering wheel. after hours of this, my left hand and up to my elbow had gone numb. deep breathe, blow out.
tears ran down my face and dripped off my chin. i could not wipe them off because i could not let go of the steering wheel. each time i pulled over to compose myself, it was harder to get back into the drivers seat.
as i neared my destination, my trip became longer because my speed became slower. when i got to california, i entered the investigation station. i felt relieved because i thought i had been through it all. i was done with the mountains. i asked the attendant if there were any further mountain roads, and he assured me that there were, but they were not that bad. and i drove off feeling somewhat relaxed at the idea that i would have fairly flat land to drive across. no more deep ravines surrounding me. no more drop offs on the side of the road.
until i found out it was even worse. there was no safety rails on this road to protect one from going over the sides. the ravines had become craters, becoming canyons. steep inclines and declines continued. my nerves could not take it. my arms hurt, my head hurt. my ears so full of pressure i thought they would never be normal again. my speed was 30 to 50 miles per hour depending on whatever i was seeing in front of me. my opportunities to pull over were few and far between. when i was able to pull into a rest area or small mountain town, i was wracked with sobs. my breaths were shallow and i would choke to be able to breathe. i would hide my face in my hands and weep.
then i would get in the van and repeat my torture.
i began telling my self i could do it. i would repeat it. over and over again. i would tell myself, "it's just a road, you can do it, it's just a road." beautiful mountains would rise in front of me, and i would cry harder. i would say, "such a beautiful thing and i cannot even enjoy it. i can't stop and take a picture of this." tears continuously flowing from my eyes, down my cheeks and off my chin. then i remembered thinking the last time i cried like this was when i sat at the computer and wrote my poems, and i thought it was funny that i remembered that.
i asked God to please let it end. i told Him, "i can't promise you anything, because you know i would probably not keep my word, so i don't want to promise you anything, but i am going to ask you to please let the road be straight. let be flat and straight. let the mountains end."
i called my friends in california. they were expecting me at a certain time. i told them how afraid i was, but they could not understand the seriousness of it, due to they could not see my reactions. i tried not to be angry because they were laughing, because i knew they did not mean to laugh "at" me.
the more afraid i would become of these roads in the mountain, the more foolish i felt with myself. the closer i got, i would try to make myself drive a bit faster, but everytime i would feel a bit more comfortable with the speed, and begin to loosen my grip on the steering wheel, another drop off would pop up out of now where. then the pavement of the road became uneven due to new construction. at one point, i was driving 15 to 25 miles per hour.
"look straight ahead. don't look to the side. it is only a road, it is only a road." and the it would decline again. i would get my bearings, then i was looking out into no where. down a mountain side.
i had to be slightly proud of myself, because i never froze up. i kept pushing myself and made it to my destination.
my friends then saw the toll this drive had taken on me. we were able to laugh it off, because even in my mind, the reactions i had during this drive made me laugh as i told the story. our visit was great, and i slept the like a baby.
life was good again, until it was time to leave. the "girls" had tried to find me a route with no mountains, and thought they had succeeded. even though, i began to weep as i had to get into the van, but i got in, started it up, and left the hotel following my friend because she was going to lead me to the highway that would take me to my freedom of no mountains.
the drive started up fine. four lanes of traffic i can handle. freeways, i can handle. crazy drivers, not a problem at all. the going was good. then it happened. the side of the road dropped away. we were on a mountain. i was in the center lane. my hands clenched the wheel. my breaths were difficult to attain. "it's only a road, it's only a road. look straight ahead."
i could not shake it. i could not do it. i do not know if my friend called me, or if i called her, but i told her i had to get off the road. she said i can't. i said yes i can. she said, no you can't. there is no where to get off. she tried to talk me through it, she tried to make me believe the mountains would end. cars were speeding past me on either side of me, honking and hollering at me, but i looked ahead and told them to keep going. weeping. shaking. feeling myself beginning to freeze. my body becoming stiff. i was paralyzing with fear, and i knew it was happening. i could do nothing about it. the road dropped off at both sides. blank air out there. no dirt, no grass, no nothing. i will never know how i got over that stretch. in my mind it lasted miles and miles, but i know it could have been no longer than half a mile. i told her, get me off here. soon she told me she had an exit, and exited i did. it was a nowhere place. no houses, no stores, no gas station. only a little area that was flat, that looked out over the valley. i could see the road i would have had to drive on. it was a bridge, out of nowhere. i looked up at the road i had come off of. semi trucks rushing by. cars, rv campers and motorcycles. people speeding by as if nothing was wrong, and really there wasn't. not in their lives. but in mine there was. something horridly, horridly frightening. and i could not over come it.
i parked the van and shut it off. i sobbed and breathed and sobbed some more.
my friend told me i had to get back on that road. i told her i could not. it was horrifying at the thought that i had to do it. there was a road to nowhere going down from where i was parked, but it was on a mountain side. there was a rode going upward, under the highway i had just left, but it was a mountain road. i could do nothing.
i sobbed because i needed to drive up north for my employment position, and i could not do it. i sobbed because to go back home, i would have to return through three states of mountains, and i know i will not be able to do it. i sobbed because i felt like such a fool because my fear was so deep, so great, i had a second where my life was at risk because i felt the paralyzing sensation taking over my whole self, and in that second, i knew i would have died if i did not get off that highway.
it is great to know people like my friends, and my daughters friends. as i write this, i am sitting in the apartment of a young woman who was in the service with my oldest daughter, tomorrow, she and her friend will take me on the rest of my journey, because i cannot do it.
if you read this, i beg of you, never, never laugh at the fears of other people, no matter how menial they may seem to you. no matter how small it is to you, it is not small to them, and they cannot push it aside. it will not allow itself to happen.

Ask Me About God

this morning, the new neighbor came over to my house to speak with me. well, he is not actually the neighbor. he is a friend of the person who bought the house, and he is gutting the inside, doing repair work for the new owner.
the new owner is the reverend of the nazarene church down the road from me. (in pana, everything is down the road, or across town, lol) the fella is one of the reverend associate pastors from the church in the town "down the road".
a few days ago, i went over to introduce myself to this young man. just to be a polite new neighbor. that is when i found out they are fixing it up to rent out, but being a pastor, of course we got into God.
he asked me what church i attended. well, my church is not in a building. my church is where ever i am standing talking to people about God. you see, i believe in God, but i guess i don't believe in people.
today, he trotted on over to my home, and told me God has been speaking to his heart. now, i do believe this, because God speaks to me. loudly sometimes, but not usually through another person. He knows i won't listen unless it is from His mouth personally, lol.
this pastor used some words i didn't understand really. i cannot even write what they are because they were above my head and i can't even say them myself. now, he was not talking above me, or around me, he was talking to me. he just knows these words and because i know God, i guess i should know them them too.
ok, now, he told me, God was speaking to him to come over here TODAY. of course, i understand that, am leaving tomorrow. the pastor said, i didn't know why, but He said i had to do it today, so here i am.
now, y'all know i don't have that good of a memory, so i cannot tell you word for word what this fella said, but in general, what he was telling me is that maybe i am supposed to be in church not for myself, but for the others. for the hippocrites, and the falsities. the pastor could tell that i "know" God, and that those people needed me.
yes, i have to laugh. not at knowing God, but, i don't know the Bible. nope. not hardly a word of it. i don't even own a Bible. oh, i know about the birth of Jesus, and the ten commandments. stuff like that, but i could not tell you where to turn to, what chapter or verse, for strength to get through this crisis or that.
i can only tell you, turn to God. give Him your faith. trust Him to pull you through. God fills me with His love and takes me through my life. i am here not for God but because of God.
ok, i had to step back in here after reading the preview because that line before this. God told me that is not true. this is how it is; BECAUSE of God, i am here FOR God.

i was saved when i was 15 years old. back in a time when i attended church in a building. it was a southern baptist church. i loved listening to the pastor up front, preaching his heart out every sunday. actually, he scared me. i was a little girl, and this pastor preached so loud, he yelled. he did not need a microphone. his face would get red and he would sweat. he was exhausted at the end of the sermon. you could tell he put his heart and soul into his preaching.
then i moved.
i attended many different churches in the area i had moved to. their beliefs were not the same as mine. their practices were not the same as mine. their prayers were written on paper. i was swallowed up in hippocrites and other false people. maybe i am wrong, but i cannot be in that crowd. the churches were too full of them. my voice could not be heard and i was invisible there. so, you might say, i took it outside.
i do know that it is in the Bible, "church is where two or more people get together and talk about God".
there is my church. no special building. i carry my church with me.
if you would like to attend my church, come stand outside with me. ride in my van. talk to me in the hall of the hospital or from your bed. speak to me in the grocery store. my church is portable.
i feel a little guilt when i think of what this pastor said. that maybe i am supposed to be there for those people, not for myself, but i know when God wants me in one of those buildings, i will be there. i don't ignore God. maybe God is preparing me for this, that is why this fella came to talk to me today, but it is just not time yet for me to do that.
when God tells me what building to enter to hold my church, i will be there. don't ask me about what the Bible says, because i won't know the answer. ask me about God.

menial chores completed, still running away

today i did some of the menial things. i made curtains for my kitchen window and the front door. i cut off the hall curtains and washed them. and i found the curtains for the sewing room. guess what is behind curtain number 1!! lol.

i did a little bit of winterizing. taped some windows, made sure some storm windows were closed and wrapped up the air conditioner in the living room window. it is too heavy for me to take out.

then i checked the mail. my check stub was there. they mail us our stubs and direct deposit the money. the check was near $400 short. they paid me in the per diem wages instead of my regular wages. i had even gone to the supervisor to tell her to put me as last day of work after mid october so this would not happen. who the heck works in the office that determines when i am no longer full time employed? i was there all of the pay period. does that not make me full time? they need to deposit the money this week and not wait until the next pay period.

my oldest daughter, mykal, has made the effort to spend some time with me almost every day this past week. she is working the evening shift today, so i will not see her at all today. she is taking my leaving pretty hard. i cannot understand why she is being so "clingy" of me. she is 35 years old and has two children of her own. she is the one who went away for eleven years and left me at home. (she had joined the army) now that i am the one traveling, she really wants me to stay home.

she is like her youngest son, carter. he is at the age where he has separation syndrome, where he cries every time his mom leaves him. even if it is just out of the room.

mykal has done just about everything she possibly could to keep me from traveling. first she had the baby, and even though i had returned home for her sisters children, she was convinced i was here for the new baby. then, she began paying me to babysit, because i was short of money. she supplied me with food when i was too broke to buy it for myself. she encouraged her sister to visit more often so i would not be lonely. (of course her sister didn't). she and/or her boyfriend would come take me out to dinner about once a week. she tries to get me to come to the functions of her oldest boy bradyn, but i don't really care to sit and watch soccer, or tai kwon do stuff. i went to baseball, i like baseball.

i do not know why i feel the need to travel. sometimes i think i am running away from something, but what is that something? boredom probably. living in a small town is not always the best thing. of course, i am not going to move to a big town/city, because my family is here, and i value my life. i work in one of those big towns, and it is nothing for us to get a patient who has a gunshot wound from a drive by shooting.

at least that gives a little interest in life. snipe hunting and cow tipping just is not that interesting anymore.

this was taken in end of february, beginning of march, 2008. mykal is the one with the flower on her neck. sarah is the one with the heart on her neck. of course, that is me in the middle.