fear

everyone has their fear. i found mine.
it is not something i would wish on anyone. finding their fear. it is the most horrible feeling you can find in yourself. it is deep in your soul and it takes over your whole body. you have no control of how your body reacts to it.
all my life, i never realized that fear could and does actually take over you like this. you hear stories about how fear paralyzes people. how someone was frightened to death, and you don't really believe this is possible. for you, i pray that you can always feel this way and never find out that it is true.
fear hurts.
deep in side you. it hurts every muscle and bone in your body. you cannot see. you may not even be able to talk.
many years ago, i had made fun of a gentleman because he was afraind of needles. hypodermic needles. i had to give him a shot, and i had to talk him through it so that i would be able to give him his needed injection. the next day i had to drive across the 18 mile bridge between lafayette and new orleans louisiana. i thought i had found my fear. my chest got tight and my arms tensed up. i had difficulty breathing. it was not good.
the next day when i returned to look, this man was my patient again, and i apologized profusely for laughing at his fear.
up until two days ago, i believed this was my deep fear. i did not believe that anything can scare me any worse than that. now i find that the fear i felt that day was nothing.
you are wondering when i will tell you what my fear is. to sit here and only think of it brings my fear out.
my fear is mountains. not mountains in themselves, but driving in them.
several years ago, i had driven in mountains across northern united states. my daughter sarah and i had piled kids and dogs in the car and drove from illinois to anacortes washington. stopping in south dakota to see the presidents, across wyoming, visiting a friend in montana, idaho and oregon. we did have some difficulty, but it did not seem really bad.
tuesday i began my trip across the lower states, well, up to omaha, then down to tulsa and the journey across began. i made it all the way to mid arizona before i began to realize how afraid i was.
it could be that due to arriving in new mexico in the dark, hiding the actual roads i was driving on, was actually a benefit to me, and early morning as i drove across arizona, the mountains lured in front of me. the beautiful beasts i was taking in, thinking how lucky i was to be able to view them. then, i went down hill. the roads were steep and winding. large semis passing by me, my van slightly rocking. the fear began. it was sometime thursday morning. i told myself that this was no different than the trip i took to washington, only i was by myself this time. i believed the down road trip would level out soon and i would be driving on level ground, with land on either side of the road.
little did i know that it would be a long spell before this happened.
i would go down the mountain, nothing to my left, and i would take the van to the inside right of the road. then, nothing to the right. straight drops of nothining ness. and i would coast over to the left side of the road. at first, i was able to keep my mind straight by driving slower than the other drivers, not letting it bother me that they had to pass me. i kept thinking that this would end soon. for some reason, i was under the belief that arizona was fairly flat. i thought the mountains would end, and i would have "normal" roads to drive on. then i thought when i got to california, it would end. i was so wrong with both.
my fear grew with each new mile i put behind me. i tried listening to the radio, but the noise would just get on my nerves and add to the agitation of the non ending mountain roads. it was now full daylight, getting later in the day. when i felt the fear build up, i would pull into a gas station (when available) or a rest area.
breathe, relax, pray. tell myself it would not be much longer. everytime i got low in the mountain, or at least what i thought was low, i would start going uphill again and the fear would build because i knew i would have to drive down hill again.
my fingers clenched the steering wheel. after hours of this, my left hand and up to my elbow had gone numb. deep breathe, blow out.
tears ran down my face and dripped off my chin. i could not wipe them off because i could not let go of the steering wheel. each time i pulled over to compose myself, it was harder to get back into the drivers seat.
as i neared my destination, my trip became longer because my speed became slower. when i got to california, i entered the investigation station. i felt relieved because i thought i had been through it all. i was done with the mountains. i asked the attendant if there were any further mountain roads, and he assured me that there were, but they were not that bad. and i drove off feeling somewhat relaxed at the idea that i would have fairly flat land to drive across. no more deep ravines surrounding me. no more drop offs on the side of the road.
until i found out it was even worse. there was no safety rails on this road to protect one from going over the sides. the ravines had become craters, becoming canyons. steep inclines and declines continued. my nerves could not take it. my arms hurt, my head hurt. my ears so full of pressure i thought they would never be normal again. my speed was 30 to 50 miles per hour depending on whatever i was seeing in front of me. my opportunities to pull over were few and far between. when i was able to pull into a rest area or small mountain town, i was wracked with sobs. my breaths were shallow and i would choke to be able to breathe. i would hide my face in my hands and weep.
then i would get in the van and repeat my torture.
i began telling my self i could do it. i would repeat it. over and over again. i would tell myself, "it's just a road, you can do it, it's just a road." beautiful mountains would rise in front of me, and i would cry harder. i would say, "such a beautiful thing and i cannot even enjoy it. i can't stop and take a picture of this." tears continuously flowing from my eyes, down my cheeks and off my chin. then i remembered thinking the last time i cried like this was when i sat at the computer and wrote my poems, and i thought it was funny that i remembered that.
i asked God to please let it end. i told Him, "i can't promise you anything, because you know i would probably not keep my word, so i don't want to promise you anything, but i am going to ask you to please let the road be straight. let be flat and straight. let the mountains end."
i called my friends in california. they were expecting me at a certain time. i told them how afraid i was, but they could not understand the seriousness of it, due to they could not see my reactions. i tried not to be angry because they were laughing, because i knew they did not mean to laugh "at" me.
the more afraid i would become of these roads in the mountain, the more foolish i felt with myself. the closer i got, i would try to make myself drive a bit faster, but everytime i would feel a bit more comfortable with the speed, and begin to loosen my grip on the steering wheel, another drop off would pop up out of now where. then the pavement of the road became uneven due to new construction. at one point, i was driving 15 to 25 miles per hour.
"look straight ahead. don't look to the side. it is only a road, it is only a road." and the it would decline again. i would get my bearings, then i was looking out into no where. down a mountain side.
i had to be slightly proud of myself, because i never froze up. i kept pushing myself and made it to my destination.
my friends then saw the toll this drive had taken on me. we were able to laugh it off, because even in my mind, the reactions i had during this drive made me laugh as i told the story. our visit was great, and i slept the like a baby.
life was good again, until it was time to leave. the "girls" had tried to find me a route with no mountains, and thought they had succeeded. even though, i began to weep as i had to get into the van, but i got in, started it up, and left the hotel following my friend because she was going to lead me to the highway that would take me to my freedom of no mountains.
the drive started up fine. four lanes of traffic i can handle. freeways, i can handle. crazy drivers, not a problem at all. the going was good. then it happened. the side of the road dropped away. we were on a mountain. i was in the center lane. my hands clenched the wheel. my breaths were difficult to attain. "it's only a road, it's only a road. look straight ahead."
i could not shake it. i could not do it. i do not know if my friend called me, or if i called her, but i told her i had to get off the road. she said i can't. i said yes i can. she said, no you can't. there is no where to get off. she tried to talk me through it, she tried to make me believe the mountains would end. cars were speeding past me on either side of me, honking and hollering at me, but i looked ahead and told them to keep going. weeping. shaking. feeling myself beginning to freeze. my body becoming stiff. i was paralyzing with fear, and i knew it was happening. i could do nothing about it. the road dropped off at both sides. blank air out there. no dirt, no grass, no nothing. i will never know how i got over that stretch. in my mind it lasted miles and miles, but i know it could have been no longer than half a mile. i told her, get me off here. soon she told me she had an exit, and exited i did. it was a nowhere place. no houses, no stores, no gas station. only a little area that was flat, that looked out over the valley. i could see the road i would have had to drive on. it was a bridge, out of nowhere. i looked up at the road i had come off of. semi trucks rushing by. cars, rv campers and motorcycles. people speeding by as if nothing was wrong, and really there wasn't. not in their lives. but in mine there was. something horridly, horridly frightening. and i could not over come it.
i parked the van and shut it off. i sobbed and breathed and sobbed some more.
my friend told me i had to get back on that road. i told her i could not. it was horrifying at the thought that i had to do it. there was a road to nowhere going down from where i was parked, but it was on a mountain side. there was a rode going upward, under the highway i had just left, but it was a mountain road. i could do nothing.
i sobbed because i needed to drive up north for my employment position, and i could not do it. i sobbed because to go back home, i would have to return through three states of mountains, and i know i will not be able to do it. i sobbed because i felt like such a fool because my fear was so deep, so great, i had a second where my life was at risk because i felt the paralyzing sensation taking over my whole self, and in that second, i knew i would have died if i did not get off that highway.
it is great to know people like my friends, and my daughters friends. as i write this, i am sitting in the apartment of a young woman who was in the service with my oldest daughter, tomorrow, she and her friend will take me on the rest of my journey, because i cannot do it.
if you read this, i beg of you, never, never laugh at the fears of other people, no matter how menial they may seem to you. no matter how small it is to you, it is not small to them, and they cannot push it aside. it will not allow itself to happen.