don't give me that look

the stress is beginning. the stress of waiting, of not knowing. the stress that it is going to be a week before i can have the biopsy done. then more days to wait for the results. my chest hurts and i feel my mind just sort of going numb.
i want to cry, but can't.
you would think that maybe i might want to scream, but that would take energy, and the stress of waiting is taking all my energy.
my chest hurts.
it feels heavy, like it is pulling me down.
that is my stress.
i need to call my doctor and ask him for a nerve pill, because i am not going to make it a week.
the thing is, i am not even thinking like, "why me?" or "what if i do have cancer?" i think i am more focused on the surgery. my impatience is taking over and i want it done yesterday.
i am falling apart inside myself, and straining to not show it on the outside.
i had to ask for a day off to have the surgery done, so of course i had to tell the boss why i needed that day off, as i already had taken some other days off so that i would not lose vacation time. i told him not to tell anyone else. i don't want them to give me that look.
yes, there's a look. sad eyes, pity behind them.
the other day, i was able to speak to another woman who had breast cancer. a total stranger to me, but not a stranger because she has been in my shoes before. she did not give me that look, because she understands. i need that woman today.
i didn't tell the people at work because i don't want them asking questions.
i don't want them talking to me about it, because it is my personal life and they are not my friends. just nosy people who want you to think they care, but i already know that they don't. at least not in the way a friend would. the people i work with are not my friends.
this is a time where i wish i had a companion. i was brought up to believe that men are stronger than women. a man is supposed to take care of a woman. you know, that sort of stuff.
i just need someone to hold my hand and give me a bit of strength.