not knowing sucks

it is quite early sunday morning. i should be in bed, but i have been looking for some beads. i did not find them.
i took the dressing off of the wound. there are steri strips covering a incision that is about an inch long. i did not think they would cut it that long, but it is done. it feels better without that dressing. i had to leave the bra on for 48 hours, so that is off now too.
looking in the mirror, i can see the steri strips. the area surrounding is pinkened because my skin is sensitive to the adhesives on the tape. dried drainage under the strips. an area about the size of the palm of my hand is bruised. i touch the skin and it is numb. if i look away and someone were to touch it, i know i would not feel it. i removed the bottom steri because it was causing a burning feeling.
they tell me to watch for redness, tenderness, drainage and if the breast becomes hard. what if it is hard in just certain spots? i think that is ok.
i over did things a little today (saturday). i hoed in the garden, swept and mopped the floor. lifted groceries until i felt a pinch in the breast, then used the other arm. lifting and turning dishes was a little strenous on that area. also driving is too.
i am not one to be down. i am too young to be taken care of. i am one who "if you want something done, do it" does it. my house is not spotless...far from it, but i am not going to let it get trashed out. i am not going to depend on my family to work the garden or do my shopping.
it will be over 36 hours before i will hear the answer to the biopsy.
i want to say "i know i have cancer" and then it turns out i don't. i want to say "it is not cancer", but not have it turn out to be so because i was to sure of myself.
does that sound silly?
that is what is going on inside my head.
it is easier to believe i have it, then when the outcome is negative, the relief will be much better.
it is hard to tell myself that i don't have it, with the fear the results will come back positive.
not knowing sucks.